July 10th, 2012

July 10th, 2012
4:46pm

Hey Chels,
Woot woot!  I am officially DONE with all that writing, now I just gotta cut everything up and put it in here.  I did want to take a break though and write.
You know... I am having trouble understanding the whole Larry thing.  Even though I made him wait for me, now that we saw each other he's ignoring me again.  I dunno if that's what he IS doing, but I'm getting a little tired of him flirting with me, then getting lucky, then not talking to me as much.  I've thought of everything I can think of and all I've come up with is either he really is a jerk who is just plain using me for sex and I'm just too stupid to realize it, or he realy does like me but he doesn't want to move too fast.  I did hear from him a little bit today but I asked him if he still wanted to come over some time and he still hasn't answered me back.  I don't want to sound too pushy or desparate, but I'm at a loss.  I think before anything else happens, we have to have a talk.  Because this shit is not cool.  I'm just going to leave him alone again and see how long it takes him to talk to me again and if he tries being all like he was before... I'm going to have to say something to him.  I want so badly to believe that he's not an asshole who is just trying to get in my pants, but that's what it seems like to be because every time we get a little bit close he stops talking to me.  I don't want to give any more of my heart or body to him before I know what's going on with him and what he thinks.  I'm not even ready for a relationship right now and I don't want to give him an ultimatum or anything.  It's not even like I'm downright mad at him.  Even if there's not much going on right now, you can't just talk to me when you miss me and then stop again once you have me.  Because I have feelings too.  I don't want to say goodbye to him, especially over things we haven't even talked about yet.  But I might have to if he's only gonna talk to me when HE wants ME.  My hope is that he feels a little bit scared to get closer to me because I might not be ready for anything serious.  So... I have a plan.  I'm gonna wait it out and get him to come over here and then talk to him about it.  I'm just going to say that I really do like him but before anything else happens between us, I'd like to know if he had any intention of being more than just a friend.  Lol... that's kinda silly.  I'm trying to think of how to phrase the question so it doesn't sound like I'm trying to trap him.

"So..before I give more of myself to you, I'd like to know something."  Meh.  Fuck I don't know.  It would just be so much easier if he didn't get quiet on me after nearly every sexual encounter.  If he's all in his head and will get back to me when he can that's fine, but I'm not putting my feelings on hold for ANOTHER guy. I would at least like to know how he feels about me and he'd ever want to become my boyfriend, because I would really like that but not if he's gonna act like this after every time we're together.  I'd really like to believe that he is just holding back because he doesn't know how much I'm ready for as opposed to him just using me for sex.  And this is why I can never JUST have sex with someone.
I have a feeling that if I am patient and just sit tight for a while, I will get the answers I need to make a decision either way.  If the relationship is just gonna be about sex and he isn't interested in ever being my boyfriend then I'm gonna have to stop having sex with him.  But if he does want to be my boyfriend one day.... then I can be patient and not freak out on him too much.  I believe that this is only temporary and by the time we decide to be a couple, he will have already spent some time here and met my parents and we would have already talked about some of this stuff.
See... this is why I wanted to wait until the end of summer to start things up with him again.  Because maybe by then I'd be a little bit stronger than I am right now.

<3,
me

5:54pm