December 27th, 2007

December 27th,
2007
1:46am

Did you know that if we have this notebook and write in it like we've been doing, we can get through 4 notebooks in ONE year?  I don't even do that on my own.  Depending on how much/how often I write, I get through a notebook every 5-6 months.
Anywho, I AM FUCKING EXHAUSTED!  And I just got my period.  But I wanted to write in here before I go to sleep.  But if I don't make sense, I'm sorry.

Well, I worked a double today. And man, it was shitty.  I brought the notebook along with me and read some at work.  I left at 10:30pm and got to Brian's work around 10:45pm and I tell you I read through the whole thing!  Meep.  I have a lot of stuff to say (of course) but if I don't say anything coherent after this moment (tonight at least)... just remember this.  This is said purely out of love and I don't mean it to sound harsh.

About Ryan.  You and him had your chance in the sun.  I think you are holding onto the memories because to admit that what you had wasn't meant to be really hurts.  No one wants to admit that they weren't good enough for someone.  I think that you made your choices and you lived your life and survived without him.  Sometimes things happen and there's just no way to go back.  It's hard to move on when there is no clear closure.  All you really want is to know if he's okay. But there is a reason why God is keeping you apart.

I'm going to tell you something.  One of the reasons why I stayed with Mike for as long as I did was because I was in love with everyone I met through him.  I was scared that if I left, I never would see these people again.  And you know... Lisa doesn't let me talk to her children at all, not to mention no one else has anything to do with me.  But I bet you if I lived up there no one would chew my head off.  At least not in public.

My point in all this babbling is this: God puts people in your life for a reason.  It's up to you to figure out why.  And of those people, not EVERYONE is meant to be a friend. God puts instincts in people so that they will listen to it.  I think your instincts know it would not be a good idea for you and Ryan to be in contact.  But keep him in your heart so at least when you grow closer with David, you can look back at that time with fondness and no regrets.

There.  I hope that was good enough.  As for Amanda... I think you're better off without her.  You can be friends with whoever you want to.  But as your best friend, your sister, and someone who loves you... you should not compare our friendship and what we have to Amanda.  What we have been through was more out of trying to get our point across.  If you are thinking about conversing with her just think about this... does she have your best interest at heart?  Does she call to see how you are (and not just for stupid, selfish reasons), and would you be able to really trust her?  Friendships take time to evolve.  It takes a while to see what you have.

I'm just looking out for you though.  I don't want anything bad to happen.

Well chica, I'll be back tomorrow w/a lot more stuff to write.  I want to make this journal our most positive one yet.

<3,
Rita bo Bita

2:26am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dec 27th,
2007
2:09pm

Hey sweets,
Well... this sucks.  I was gonna clean the room but I don't feel good.  Maybe if I feel better later I might clean.  But regardless, maybe I can come over anyways.  I actually have a small surprise for you.  I want to bring my old magazines over and I want us both to go through them and pick out what we both like.  Yep--you guessed it--I want us both to be involved in this one.  There can still be some surprises of course... but I want to start picking stuff we can both work on.  Okay?

Ugh the boys are annoying me.  They bought each other guns (beebee) and they're shooting them off at each other.  When they're not home I'm going to pick up all the little beebees and hide them.  Hahaha!

Ooh and I just thought of something really cool.  I have signed myself up for yahoogroups (actually I've been signed up for them a long time ago).  Anyways, I want to put stuff in here like spells and stuff, but only if they're positive.  But yay!  I finally have a reason to read through all those emails.  Haha.

SO... I want this notebook to be a more positive one.  If we need to vent we still can but I want this to be the start of moving forward.

Oh--you never commented on Earnest or Lisa.  I think you were going to but considering how much you've been through this year, especially in the last few weeks, I don't blame you for anything.

I am so tired.  I am going to lay down for a while and when I wake up, if I have the energy I'm going to start up a "mini Book of Shadows."  Good night sweets.

Oh wait!  Before I forget... I had this really interesting dream.  I forgot most of the details (because I woke up a lot), but it involved a haunted house.  Nathan wasn't in this one though and I seemed to do okay on my own.  Okay here is what I want the next few pages to look like...

*responses to your entries
*questions answered and new questions
*mini book of shadows
*love stuff
*music
*sex!
*anakin

<3 you!
Rita bo Bita

2:38pm