July 2nd, 2012

July 2nd, 2012
11:05am

Dear Chels,
I feel so liberated!  I still feel incredibly pissed off as well.  I did not sleep very well last night.  It took me a couple hours to finaly drift off to sleep.
It was so weird--i'm just minding my own business and then at 11:30pm I get this call from an 800 number which is already weird.  So I pick up the phone and this guy with a really weird/creepy voice answers and says his name is Dave and he just got a missed call from this number.  I just said I didn't call him and he started arguing with me so I hung up on him and just decided right then and there that it was time for a new number so I got on the phone with Tmobile and half an hour later I got my new number.  I was going to wait until I paid my next phone bill to do it, but this shit is getting ridiculous.
I do remember in the back of my memory my ex bragging about doing this kind of thing to other people, like giving their number to an automated system or something like that.  He does this kind of shit for a living.  Well, not pulling pranks on people but computer shit.  I guess I shouldn't have just given him the benefit of a doubt and I should have changed my number a long time ago.  But I guess I was just holding onto the idea that he'd be mature about it when nothing he's done in the past year has been remotely mature.
Oh, and not 10 minutes after I get this new number, I get ANOTHER weird phone call.  It was some guy looking for his niece.  He called a couple of times and I picked up and explained to him that he couldn't be my uncle because my uncles are much older than he was.  I asked him how old he was, and I think he got that if I were really his niece then I would already know how old he is.  So... he apologized and we said goodbye and that was it.
So... starting today, I shouldn't be getting anymore strange/suspicious phone calls from people.  My ex should have no reason to contact me, either.  I know what his stupid ass wants.  He wants me to get all mad and act all crazy so he can feel superior to me.  Well, it's kind of hard to feel superior to someone who wants absolutely NOTHING to do with you.
And like, the thing I was talking about before, where I learned to fight like this, came from fighting with you.  Every year we'd get into some sort of argument, then we'd get mad, then block each other, then take each other off block "just to see" if that other person was online, then write a really mean email or journal entry, then get pissed about said email entry, then stop talking completely, then miss each other, then apologize.  Well... in 2009, possibly the worst summer EVER due to high volumes of drama, I finally decided that I wasn't going to play that game anymore, that I was just going to stay silent.  And for a while you were confused but then you caught onto the fact that I could see what you were writing on Brian's fb page.  And I couldn't say anything about any of it because then you'd catch on but after a while you caught on and then he changed his password.  After all THAT I just decided that I wasn't going to fight the sneaky way anymore.  That I was going to just steer clear of any and all drama that I didn't have the energy for and that was gonna be it.  So... cut to right now, 3 years later... I found out my boyfriend of a little over a year is not only using heroin, but fucking selling it.  I find this out because his business partner texted me to tell me he was in jail.  I'm heartbroken, but years of being with addicts has taught me that it never gets better, only worse and if I took him back I would be excusing that type of behavior.  I also learned that addicts want instant gratification, that's why they pick girls that are vulnerable like I was when we started hanging out again.  I feel like I literally have no choice, that staying with him would be the worst thing ever.  So I do what's right for me and I dump him.  Of course he's upset, but by the way he's acting he just thinks that I'm mad and that I'll come around.  I slowly start to cut ties with the people I met through him, which wasn't very many.  I even have to say goodbye to Stephanie who may or may not already be married to Matt today (yuck).  The main thing that I'm ultimately looking for here is peace and the only way to do that is to just separate myself from all the drama and do what is best for me.  Which at this point is just cutting out everyone who is connected to my ex and moving on with my life.

I don't want to have to constantly worry about who has my number and who is gonna try and harrass me today.  As long as I control who has my new number, I know that if I get a weird phone call, the only person that person is going to be looking for is the last owner of that number.
--phew that was a lot to explain!!--
So... I think there might be something going on with Steve.  But before I tell you, I need to brush my teeth. Brb.  By the way, I'm sorry for the bad handwriting, I just have a million things in my head that I need to get out and I want to say it RIGHT.
So anyway, I think Steve might be seeing somebody.  Which is completely fine, but he never told me about it and he's acting like a complete ass about it.  From the way he got so pissed at me to flirting with some girl on his facebook to just downright ignoring me, SOMETHING is going on.  Thing is... it's not like I was gonna wait however long for him anyway.  But he wanted to see me this summer.  He practically begged me not to have a boyfriend by the time he gets here.  And then tells me that he's not looking for a relationship right now because his last one is still messy.  I'm not really upset at him seeing anyone because he's my friend and I want him to be happy. Plus he basically said that whenever we do have sex, he's just going to keep cumming inside of me until I get pregnant because he loves me that much to move here and be with me.  Okay fine whatever, but it's gone from that to him not responding to me at all. I just want to know what's going on but if he's gonna be like this I'm not gonna waste my energy trying to get answers out of him.  If it were ANYBODY else, I would just cut them out.  But I know if I'm patient then eventually I'll get an answer out of him.  At least I hope.  I just don't understand this behavior from him.  And I haven't even done anything to deserve it, either.

Alright so... this week should be a LOT better than last week.  My nephew's b-day is tomorrow, I'm going to Wisconsin for the 4th of July, then recover on Thursday, lunch with Katie on Friday, then the weekend.  I still have to find time to get Anthony a b-day present and get a baby present for Nikki and go visit her.  Hopefully I can do that next week.  Today I think I will go to the library to drop off books, then clean up my bathroom a bit and then do nbs. I have some stuff to catch up on. Ooh I'm gonna clean the bathroom before I get lazy and don't want to do it anymore (lol).  I love you!

<3,
me

12:19pm