12:29am
Hey Chels,
OMG I love Olga Kay! Lol, it's not what I'm writing about tonight but I just wanted to let you know... I finally made a decision. About the nb, I mean. I'm just going to follow the schedule and see how far I get before I finish this nb. And if I feel like I need more material to start with, then I will use the first section for JUST writing to give myself enough time for everything else. But. Now that I have whole days scheduled for specific nb stuff, I should have enough to at least start with by the time I'm done with this. I seriously think my book reviews are going to finish this thing out, though. But... I'm having a blast with all this reading so I don't really care.
Oh, and I didn't go to my group tonight, either. I wrote Lea a letter (well, FB message) saying thank you for getting me through quite possibly the worst time in my life but I feel like I'm okay enough on my own now. I've left quite a few men but this is the first one I needed a support group for. And I feel good about that decision. I kinda feel bad that I didn't really get to say goodbye to everyone but I'll tell Lea that if anyone wants to stay in touch, just give them my facebook info.
I've been thinking about Barry a lot lately and I just feel completely jipped. I feel like I caught only a small glimpse into the person he was and our relationship never even had a chance to go anywhere. Also another reason why I'm still a little gunshy about having another one. You meet people through your significant other and you get close to them, but you go in knowing that no matter what happens, they're not really YOURS. Even after he did what he did to me, the people I met through him never really belonged to me. But... I got my own people and they're still pretty damn awesome. But... I just think about how I used to love everything about him... I know there was a special way that he looked at me that can't be faked. It saddens me to know that that guy is still out there but he is having a very difficult time right now that I simply could not be a part of. I used to just be able to look at him and I never wanted to look away. And now if I did ever see him, there would be nothing but contempt for him in my eyes. Or indifference. I guess I was fooling myself when I thought I could be friends with Sarah and Stephanie. Of COURSE Sarah didn't even hesitate to go back to him. And Stephanie is his blood relative. Who apparently has a love addiction. So... whatever. I did what I could. I put my heart out there. It got bruised a little bit but you know... I'm still around. and I will love again, dammit!
<3,
me
1:02am
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