August 5th, 2012

August 5th, 2012
7:33pm

Hey Chels,
How's your Sunday going?  Aside from feeling sick, mine is going alright.  Hopefully I will feel better before this trip this weekend because I'm determined to go no matter what.

So... a couple of days ago I decided to make an Okcupid.com account again.  Not really sure what I was looking for, but I got it into my head that I was sick of missing Larry and wanted to make some new friends.  I actually did manage to find some guys to talk to that were really cool and had I not had someone else in my heart, I might have just kept it.  But I had this thought last night that if I'm going to slip away, better do it now before anything else happens.  Because yeah I do miss Larry because it's been a while since we talked but even making new "friends" is dangerous.  I thought about it and ultimately decided that although meeting new people was fun, I would rather wait for things to pan out with Larry before I put myself out there.  Ultimately, I still really like him and I can wait and see what happens and go back to focusing on myself.  I also had this thought pop into my head: the longer he leaves me alone to heal and figure out my own stuff, the clearer my mind and heart will be when he tries for my heart again.

I know it's stupid to STILL be worrying about a guy after everything that's happened to me. But you know what? He didn't push me into having to be with him.  He knew it would take a while for me to be ready to be with him.  I didn't even know how much I really liked him until our first kiss.  And then the first time we had sex it really opened my eyes to how much he really did care about me and I felt completely happy and safe, but mostly I felt loved.  We have known each other for a long enough time for that not to scare me as much as if it had just been some stranger I hooked up with.  I don't want to mess things up by adding new people and then having to ditch out anyway because I found someone else.  I'm pretty sure he's not on okcupid.com trolling for women that are "just friends."  I don't want to confuse anything further.  I don't feel like what I did was bad or wrong because I was upfront about things being JUST friends, but you know how things that start out innocently can end up.  Especially when a guy is already in that mind set.
So... it's not just Larry I'm worried about, it's me too.  I already have my heart and head set on someone, I owe it to myself to see where things go.  So... yeah :).

I'm gonna go for a bit but hopefully I'll be back.

<3,
me

8:14pm