9:40am
Hello my dear friend,
How are ya? I am up early. Mostly because I had a dream about Kierstin but my turtle was also trying to wake me up. The filter may be a little loud but I figured out how to stop the noise--I put his rock that he basks on underneath the waterfall and the noise drops considerably. Pair that with a really good pair of earplugs and I'm all set. It doesn't really bother me during the day, either. And his tank is less cloudy than it was the day after.
So... I have to talk about something. You can think I'm crazy or whatever, but frankly I don't care. I put everything else in here so why not this?
So... you may or may not know this about me, but I hear voices in my head. I can't always tell if they're my thoughts, but I can hear them like they are my thoughts. Sometimes I can have a whole conversation with myself inside my head. Now, when it comes to you my intuition has been horrible. Everything I've seen for you has been so specific and yet it's been wrong, especially if I just tell you. I have no idea why this happens, but maybe there is just a block somewhere, I don't know. But I do know that we have indeed gone back a few lifetimes together, so maybe the stuff I see you're not ready for yet or it happened at another time. I don't know, either and I know that sounds just as crazy if not more than hearing voices in my head.
Now, these voices are in no way mean or scary. They never tell me to kill anyone and if they did I would be scared. What they do is provide comfort, insight, and sometimes humor. The reason why I don't necessarily think it's just me is when I feel something in my gut like a thought or an idea and it's so clear and persistent and I can almost see where the thought process is going like a movie being played out in my head. And then things will happen in a similar way in real life. I also think I would have more success with you if I just said what I thought and felt right up front with no chance to second guess myself.
But anyway, also, it comes when I ask a question, also. Like I can hear whispers and that will be my answer. I think these are my spirit guides and the more I pay attention to them, the clearer everything becomes. When Larry was in my room last week it felt exactly how I always thought in my head, and he laid in the exact same spot and way that I had imagined he would. Like that was his spot, or something. Granted, the bed isn't THAT big and there weren't exactly a million spots to choose from, but still. I had that dream about him and the way I felt when we were snuggling was exactly how it felt in my dream.
But then, today I dreams i was going to visit Kierstin at her college which is something I've thought about but obviously that wouldn't happen in real life. But it came from going through my stuff and finding things she had written, then knowing she had gone to (or is going to) the same college my mom went to: Northern. So, I show up and I park in front of this restaurant and my mom is there. I tell her I'm going to find Kierstin and my mom walks off and says she'll met me there when I find it. So, I walk and immediately find Kierstin's room. I try and text my mom but I don't know the room number. So Kierstin and I catch up for a while and she is setting up for dinner. It looks like a huge dinner. She puts these oranges in front of me that have been peeled, cut and shaped to look like a sun. Then everyone came by, including her two younger sisters. Kassie told me her parents make her eat in the basement. My mom finally shows up in the middle of it all. She apparently went to the front office and they showed her the exact route. As soon as she got there, I had to leave to get the car so I walk over to where I parked it and there's all these outlets everywhere so people can plug in their electronics. I gather up my stuff but instead of putting it in the car, I decide to carry it with me. I'm sure that is a symbol for a burden or something. Maybe I feel like I'm still carrying the burden of disrupting their lives. But I know it wasn't my fault, it was my ex's. But then I got punished for it because Kyle didn't want me around anymore. Those kids and Anakin were the reason I stayed for as long as I did and why I came back. For the most part I've let go of all of that but I still wish I could have been a part of that family. I really did love them. If I ever meet them again in my next life I'll make sure to leave Mike out of it. Lol.
I still feel a little sad from what I wrote in my LJ last night. But I still feel like I made the right choice in breaking up with him. He lied to me, manipulated me, cheated on me, and abandoned me. I was the best girlfriend I could have been to him. I was there for him, I loved him, I never went back on my word. He betrayed me by keeping this huge secret that was not only slowly killing him, it could have gotten me in serious trouble. And I was right about his friends having to put up with Jenelle. She has to be crazy because only a crazy woman would take someone back after what he did, but she really does love him. I guess she wouldn't care that much if he still messed with me, he probably told her of his plans to do so.
Ugh--why did he even bother with me if he was just going to go back to her? To this day I still have no fucking idea. I am just doing what I can to move on with my life. But it hurts me too that I can't talk to him anymore. I lost him in almost every sense of the word. He isn't even the same person I met 2 years ago. If he wanted anything to do with heroin, he should have just left me the fuck alone to begin with. meh... whatever. It's sad but you know... everything will come to a head eventually. So he can be with whomever and do whatever he wants--it will have nothing to do with me.
And I saw this picture of Stephanie on Matt's page with a puppy. So... she can be all happy that she's not pregnant but get married and have a puppy to take care of with the same guy? Umm.... right. Cuz that's not crazy at all.
So, I'm going to let my Ipod recharge and then write another book review.
<3,
me
10:45am
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11:52pm
Hello, Beautiful!
SO, I had an awesome day. I went out, got some gas, drove to my favorite Starbucks (in Geneva), and sat there and read until I was starving (and my favorite sushi place was open again). I went to my favorite store and got my LOVE shirt! Then went to my sushi place, got my favorite sushi, came home and finished my book, and now I'm listening to the storm and watching Teen Mom. So, another idea I have to go along with the pictures (they are all my favorites of us way back when) is show you my favorite stuff. And pictures of my favorite stuff. I still want to do it in the paper style so I have to see how much it will cost so I need to think about doing it just like everything else -- a little at a time. I don't even know how many pages I have left in here but I do know that by the time I'm done in here all my other stuff will be ready to go, I just need to keep it organized as to how I want it to look.
Wow -- not having a boyfriend has really freed up all of my time and I'm really enjoying being able to read and work on stuff without someone up my ass every two minutes. I know I've written this before, but I'm giving Larry until Thanksgiving to make things more than they are now between us or he is getting cut off. Not the friendship part, but the sex. I'm not going to tell him this because it's not like I'm ready to settle down right now. But like... I don't want us to be all about sex. in my mind we're taking things slow and hopefully they will evolve. he already knows I don't sleep with just anyone. I really do like him and I am hoping that we can take that next step because I do want to try and see where things go. But I decided to put a 4 month cap on it because if we decide to be just friends, then I'm not going to continue sleeping with him. I have a feeling it won't take until then, but that's the longest I'm willing to take this with nothing changing. I guess I'm not really afraid anymore, either. Not like I was. It's such a hassle to worry every single second about what should be happening. I've had my life dictated to me by asshole men for the past 10 years. This is MY time, I'm gonna enjoy the freedom before the next go around. But not to worry, I will always make time for NBS. Oh, and since I'm putting a LOT of stuff in the next one, I'm only going to be picking my FAVORITE poems. Hopefully I can limit that to like 50. And then do something special with those. But I'm not buying ANYTHING new yet. The only thing I've bought recently are pens, and I seriously have one for every different specific thing. But I might have to buy some specialty stuff for one of the things I'm doing. I'm gonna start out with a light colored pen because the paper I have in mind is dark. Time for bed! I love you and I can't wait to read more of my book and do some more nbs. And I can't wait to finally get this nb that you've been working on! I feel like I need to get my ass into gear and work out an nbs schedule. Well, nbs/reading/study schedule. I haven't gotten my month subscription yet but I will soon. I'm looking forward to finally getting my study guide together and making this huge test! I will make all brand new flashcards and everything, too. And as soon as I've completed that, I am going to apply and then study those questions until I take my test! Honestly, I can't wait to put all of this behind me. I know what I want to do and being a licensed massage therapist will help considerably. I can still take care of my dad and be here to find someone else to take over. But... it's time to get this part of my life started already. I'm beyond ready for it.
<3,
me
July 19th, 2012
12:37am
P.S. If I finally get my license, my 30s will kick ass!
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