11:48pm
Hey Chels,
Holy shit I am so tired but so happy after this weekend. It could have been better on a couple fronts but other than that, it was perfect. Normally I wouldn't go into detail about the bad at ALL, but i feel like it's necessary to do so before I move on to all the wonderful stuff that happened to me this weekend.
So... all week last week I had been getting this incredibly strong feeling that Monique did not want to go on this trip with me. She kept saying all this bad stuff about it like freaking out about where she could blow up her air mattress and she went and bought a new tent so i didn't have to bring mine (although i did anyway) and she was even bitching about the supply list. i didn't understand what all the stuff was about either but you know what?? i went with it. it was the least she could have done as well, but whatever. so... i kept telling her if she didn't want to go she didn't have to. but even though she was bitching about it, she kept saying that she wanted to go and she had already bought all the stuff for it and she just kept being so wishy washy about it. she told me she wanted to go on thursday so i did my whole travel ritual the night before. technically it's my sunday night ritual but before i leave to go somewhere special i always bathe and try and relax and think good thoughts and pamper and take care of myself. so i did that on wednesday night. and then thursday she told me she didn't want to go until friday but i could go myself and she'd meet me there. i didn't want to do that because we had planned on going together but if i had known what was going to happen, i probably should have taken her up on that offer. it was so stupid though it was like she was saying she didn't want to go but even though i told her she didn't have to go, she still made it sound like it was her idea for me to go by myself. even though i told her upfront that it was okay if she didn't feel up for going. but she insisted that she wanted to!!! well, for some strange reason she got her period on thursday night. she hasn't had her period in 7 years but she got it this weekend and then STILL decided that she wanted to go on this trip with me. so she drives the whole way (she didn't let me drive there or back even though she's let me drive before but whatever) and i still have this sense of her not really being into going but she wanted to go. or so she said. but we ended up being 3 hours late. the woman running the workshop, Ze, said that the latest she was going to do opening ceremonies was 6pm. well, we ended up being later than that and she still waited for us. i kept going over in my head what time we needed to leave to be on time and she picked me up OVER AN HOUR LATER than when we needed to leave.
we finally got started after we got both tents set up and i thought it was really lovely. we went around and introduced ourselves and after that i was able to run back to my tent and to my dismay i noticed it had developed a smell. but i ran and got the stuff that i needed (the altar piece, my registration money, the gift for sunday morning, my glass candle and an extra that i had brought along just in case). what's funny about the candles that i brought was i had originally bought them when i was devastated over Barry. i mean, i found out he went to jail the night before and in the morning i went to walgreens and got some stuff, a stupid valentine i ended up throwing in the trash, and 2 candles, a pink one and a green one. i also brought my protection candle because it was in glass and i thought i might need it but i didn't bring it to the main building with me and when monique had mentioned that she forgot her candle (which i thought was STUPID because she could remember a $100 tent but she can't remember a candle that's less than $2? come on), i didn't say anything about the protection candle and i had already given my extra one to a woman named Joy. there's a story to that but i'm still on this one, lol. so anyway....
i ran and got the stuff that i needed and it seemed like monique was getting along with some of the people. she was getting along well with this woman named Angel who we sat next to during introductions. they were even in the same group together and i will admit that i was a little jealous of that because i really liked Angel the minute that i met her and i wanted her to be in MY group. but we ended up connecting anyways so I was really happy about that. so... we did this ritual where we all stand in a line with our candles and get smudged before we walk through the side door. Ze asks us each individually if we know why we're here and we don't have to answer her. I just looked her in the eyes and nodded my head. I knew why I was there. this whole year i've been getting "community" cards. even in the tarot reading that monique did for me earlier. after this weekend though... i'm not sure if i want her to do my cards anymore. i might do circles with her but i think that might be it. i dunno. but sorry i keep getting off track. (lack of sleep, lol). so... i knew i was supposed to meet these women and connect with them and join them in this spiritual journey that everyone is in. i've known that for a while now and this was another baby step into finding my true purpose in this life. but of course... all i could do was nod. so... she lights our candles and then we stand in a circle. it was really amazing to see everyone standing in a circle with their candles lit. and then she explains about the goddess Hecta, i think?? it was a really amazing speech that i was moved by. we all did the ritual thing and then had 15 minutes of fellowship time before solitude. so... she tells me that she's gonna go lay down and i say okay. so... i have to stay because i'm in the blue group and i have to help clean up even though we can't talk and i have no idea where anything is so me and this girl, Jordan, are just standing there kind of helpless, lol. it was kind of cute, actually. so... i finally go back to the tent and she's in the car and she's all crying like mad crazy. i wrote about this in the nb already, that she was having a crisis and needed to get out of there, so i just slept in the tent alone, which was fine.
so... the next day i get this text from her that she's just going to stay and rest all day and maybe go to the ritual that night. the ritual itself was so beautiful. i have never had that much fun dancing or felt as free as i had at that moment and it was a really special ritual for me to be in. she just sat down because she was feeling like shit and then slipped out while i was dancing, which was fine. i got a text from her later that she slipped out early which was understandable.
well... that leaves today. i was so pissed off at her at this point, i just about lost it. like... okay. i basically had to take down my own tent, which was fine because i wasn't going to use it anymore and it was smelly so i did that yesterday to leave less work for me to do today. a woman from the tent next to me helped me out, which was really nice of her. so... today i had all my stuff laying out in the sun because she (i'm using she in the place of a certain name because i feel like everytime i use this person's name she can hear me talking about her and i feel like it gets more powerful everytime i say it so unless i specify otherwise, the she i'm referring to is the main subject of this story) hadn't come back to help me pack or anything. i texted her and asked when she was leaving and she said she was coming at 2 if that was okay. i said it was fine and left it at that and took her tent down (which was a bit of a challenge considering i had never used one like that before. it was a newer tent but i didn't know how anything worked. but i got it.) and then just basically walked around and took pictures and talked to people and when it was 2 i went back to my campsite and waited for her. well... back when i told her it was fine that she came at 2, i guess the send button took that moment to not work so i didn't answer her back and she got kind of snotty with me. and apparently she was sitting in the parking lot of the hotel for 20 minutes before driving over here to pick me up (what the FUCK) and then proceeds to tell me that she will be waiting at the long hall, after i told her that i was waiting by the campsite. now, mind you, the walk to the long hall from the campsite wasn't THAT long, but it was a lot of stuff. it was all of my camping stuff PLUS all my luggage and her tent. there was no way i was hauling all of that over to the long hall just because she couldn't dane to drive .03 more seconds to find the damn thing (IT'S A DAMN CIRCLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). so... at this point i had just had it. i was really tired and felt hungover because of all the energy that was used up the night before and i just wanted to go home and... i had that thought we were doing another meditation but either we didn't do one or i missed it so basically i was just waiting around for her to come pick me up. she didn't end up getting there till close to 3. i got so mad that i just threw my phone and walked over to the long hall and this woman told me she heard from her and i said i knew that, that i was a little pissed off at her. i mean, i knew she was in pain and everything but... even if you don't know exactly where the campsite is, the whole grounds of where we were was a circle. eventually you'd find me. i don't know how she expected me to carry all that stuff to the long hall and then put it in the car myself while she just sat on her ass and did nothing and was a big baby about needing food but being okay enough not to stop. umm... whatever. so... first she tells me... wait let me find the exact texts.
"well that's when i'm leaving. i need to get something to eat too i haven't eaten since KFC. if you want more time to do whatever i'll go to a restaurant by myself but i wasn't planning on spending long eating."
and after she didn't hear from me....
"well i didn't hear from you so i'm omw. put your stuff in the trunk pls. i'll wait in the car."
ummm.... where else am i going to put my freaking stuff, lady??? i mean seriously, was that shit even necessary? that's when i got really pissed. but what i actually said was:
"my message didn't send, sorry. hope you will be here soon."
to which she replied...
"i will. i was just waiting to c if u were done."
and then i said:
"yep. i'm physically and emotionally drained so that means it's time to go home lol. just waiting by our stuff."
and then she said...
"umm join the club lol"
(well you wouldn't be drained if you had just stayed the fuck home!!!!)
"i'll be by the hall or whatever the fuck it's called. i'll need to stop for food i'm dying."
this is what started to piss me off. when i told her where i was and then she said she'd be somewhere else. what i actually said was...
"just get some food on your way here."
her:
"fuck it there's nowhere to stop i'll go w/o."
"i'll be there soon. there's no question about stopping for gas and oil my car's out of oil."
(uhh, little whiny baby much?)
me:
"i have snacks and stuff with me."
"it's not much but it's better than going without food. and i still have water."
after all of this i got so pissed that i went over to the long hall and just talked to someone about it. the lady didn't choose sides or anything but didn't understand why she couldn't just go to the campsite and i'm like, "i have no idea but there's no way i'm hauling all that stuff over here by myself when i don't have to." and she said she'd text her and i said no it's okay but she said she'd do it in a way that wasn't pushy or anything like that. so a little while later i got this text:
"so apparently i'm driving to the camp site. be ready to flag me down i'm not sure where that is."
to which i replied:
"okay. just keep left and follow the circle. i will flag you down."
and then she said:
"k brt i think."
and then she found me. because it wasn't that fucking difficult to drive the extra whatever miles to get to the campsite. i sure as fuck was not going to haul all my stuff to the long hall just so she didn't have to go to the campsite and i knew i was going to have to put it all in there myself so i don't know why the FUCK she told me what i was going to do. it's like, thank you for speaking to me like i'm a 5 year old after you've clearly been acting like one this whole weekend.
after she found me and i put all the stuff in the car and we were on our way, she kept talking about how she didn't understand why we needed to drive 5 hours just to get to the place and she didn't feel connected to the earth at all and she didn't learn anything new and blah blah blah. and then she wanted me to say the same thing to her, to agree with her. but i wasn't having it. i just said, "i liked it." and she said, "you did?" like she was surprised that i would like being in nature not dealing with electronics or stress for 2 days. it was the break i had been praying for and she tried to shit all over it. so i just put up the biggest shield that i could and just changed the subject to something else. and throughout the whole ride home i just wanted to sleep because i was so tired so of course she just kept talking to me the whole way home and kept the music loud so i couldn't get to sleep even if i wanted to.
i told my mom about all of that and she had a pretty good theory. she told me that she was so stressed out by me going to this thing that her body reacted in that way but she insisted on going anyway to try and control me into having a shitty time and she got pissed that i wasn't going to get mad so she could win. because like... she has 0 problems telling me she doesn't feel up to doing something. and this was 5 hours away so that's the only thing that makes sense is that her purpose in coming to this retreat was to try and stress me out and make me feel bad or whatever because she doesn't want anyone else besides her teaching me anything. it's like.. she apparently has this great coven and yet i've known her for over a year and have yet to meet ANYONE from it. and yet she wants to initiate holly and me into this coven. like... really? you want me to be initiated into a group i don't even know? would you feel comfortable doing that? umm i'm gonna say no. i'd rather do it myself. i'd rather just follow my own path. because if this is what our friendship is going to be like.... then i don't need it. it did kind of irk me that she would go all this way just to stay at a hotel but like... it was the goddess's way of telling her she didn't need to be here and she was stubborn and didn't listen to the goddess and came anyway and her plan of making me miserable didn't work. she saw me having a blast on saturday night and left without even saying goodbye. and she didn't even tell me that i looked beautiful or that i looked like i was having a ball or anything. she didn't even mention the circle at all or ask me about my group or anything. she was just trying to see if anyone was talking bad about her. but everyone who came up to me asked me how she was doing. and i mean everyone. but you know what? i can get mad at her and accuse her of trying to sabotage my weekend and get on her ass about why she'd drive me 5 hours to somewhere she didn't really want to be and spend money she didn't really want to spend just to stay at a hotel and stew all weekend, or i could just be thankful for the wonderful experiences that i did have at this wonderful and magickal place and be thankful for all of the women i met and all the dancing i did and learning and just know in my heart of hearts that i did the right thing. i felt like she would have liked to be a part of it and so i extended the invitation to her and she chose to accept it even though she didn't really want to go and she tried to ruin my good time but it didn't work because i made the best out of everything she tried to do. so... she really screwed herself out of an amazing weekend and out of someone who is beginning to realize that maybe i can't trust her the way i thought i could. i'm not sure what the future has in store for us but i'm not going on any more trips with her. i can do circles with her and magick stuff but i'm not gonna let her read my tarot cards anymore, i'm gonna go to my tarot reading class and have Ze and Angel read my cards :). and i'm just going to do my best to shield myself. i still care about her as a person and i don't think she's all bad, but this was pretty shitty of her. i mean she went well out of her way to be shitty to me. it's like she wanted me to snap or something. but instead of that i just kept all my good thoughts to myself and she didn't get to hear about anything.
so.... yeah. that's the bad part. i'm gonna go get ready for bed and then write about the GOOD (and by good i mean POSITIVE... aka everything else) stuff tomorrow :). i love you!
love,
daisy
12:56am
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