Hello, Chels!
Well, this will be your nb for now. I'm going to write what I can in here this week and then when I get back from my retreat I'm going to copy everything and put it in the nb. The thing is... I've been sick this week. I feel a little better now but am currently suffering from the worst headache ever. I think I'm just really tired and the light isn't helping. But hopefully once I get some sleep I will feel a lot better.
I am so excited for this trip. I have already packed up most of my things but tomorrow I need to pick up some water so I'm gonna make one more trip to the grocery store for last minute stuff. I feel bad for making my mom pay but I get paid on Monday so I can pay Monique back for gas money and start paying my mom back. I'm not gonna say anything, just go to her bank and deposit some money until it's all in there, everything I used for the trip.
Also, another reason why I brought the iPod instead of my actual nb was because it's easier to carry. I thought it would be easier for me to bring this along than just haul the nb everywhere and I don't want it to get ruined. But a part of me still wants to bring it. I think it's safer here, to be honest.
So... Today I realized something. I'm single and I'm still worrying about a boy!! I've been praying to be single ever since my horrible relationship with Brian and I'm acting like things aren't going to work out between Larry and I just because they're quiet right now. I am single and free at the moment. I need to remind myself that this is exactly what I need and neither of us are going anywhere. And if he does then he loses out on getting to be with me and let's face it, that's the real tragedy here. So... I need to chill!!
Sorry... I feel like I write about him too much sometimes and it's always the same things over and over again. "it's bad when you annoy yourself". Lol. Pink "don't let me get me". I know you don't mind but... I do. I hate that no matter what my mind always goes back to that same place and I have to keep reminding myself that I can't be happy in the moment and obsessing over a guy at the same time. And it's not like we aren't friends anymore just because we haven't talked in a while. I know he'd rather saw off his left foot than mess things up that badly with me. And I don't want to mess things up, either. And by that I mean get all obsessive and weird and text him a million times a day and exhaust myself trying to force something that obviously isn't ready to happen yet. And it's nice to know that if things don't work out with him I can go elsewhere and find a really great guy who is ready for me. I think my biggest fear is that he will find someone else because that's kind of what happened with Barry. He decided to pursue things with Sarah and ignored me until they broke up. Plus he is really adorable and I don't see how he isn't already taken but he has told me that girls always think of him as a brother or a best friend. Which isn't a bad thing, but it kind of sucks when you're trying to date someone. Well I've known him almost half my life and yeah he has been a friend to me before anything else but we just click. I mean besides the romantic stuff, I can bust his chops and he won't take it personally. We can talk about anything and everything and he has the kindest eyes I've ever seen. Plus he is a very funny guy. Yeah I miss him because I'm not sure why he stopped talking again but I hope the next time he comes around it won't always be like this. That's why I have to end it sooner or later, if it's just not going to go anywhere. But I would really like to see if it does and he seems to think there will be fireworks and real live alone time in our future so... I'm just gonna sit tight for now. Because really, what other choice do I have? Besides throwing in the towel before things had a chance to really start. And if he's not going to then I'm not going to, either.
But for now, in this moment, I'm single. And I should really start enjoying it more, lol.
Love,
Me
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