10/28/12

10/28/12
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Good afternoon.  It’s Sunday finally, and my energy is almost non existent.  So, I woke around 10:30 and went with Brian to get Brody.  Then we got 2 pumpkins.  A normal sized one for him and a small one for me.  After that, we got pancake mix and bacon at Publix and made breakfast for lunch.  My first whole batch of pancakes got thrown out.  I usually make awesome pancakes, but I messed the heat up on the burner.  After I cleaned up and ate, I took a nap.  Brian feels like crap.  He has issues with his left shoulder and it causes him pain in his whole left side. I feel really bad for him.  Now it’s a little after 5pm and Brian took Brody home and went to work.  I’ve gotten where I just will not take care of Brody.  He’s not actually bad for me but it’s non stop talk, talk, talk and he’s made it very clear in the way he reacts to things that we’ll never be close.  I don’t expect to be his mom--I’d never try to replace his mom.  She may not be the greatest, but she’s his mom.  I don’t know her, I just know what I’m told.  Still, it would be nice if I thought Brody actually liked me and not just because my house provides a getaway from his grandparents, aunt and cousin.  I do love Brody but it’s not the same way I loved Winter.  I know that’s a crappy thing to say.  I feel like a shitty person for the things I write about Brody and I would hope he’d never in his life see this.  I want my feelings to change!  I’m guilty of wanting Brian all to myself.  I try really hard to push him to spent time alone with Brody.  It’s for selfish reasons though.  I’d never want Brian to know any of this either, but yea.  I just don’t want to be resented for hogging Brian.  Still, when it’s just Brian and me… I’m content.  When it’s the 3 of us… I feel kind of like… tolerant of it; obligated even.  I hate it.  What can I do?  Brody was first and Brian wants his kid with him which I admire.  Blah.  Last night wasn’t bad.  I cleaned the house and then around 4, I went with Stephanie, Gabby, and Brody to my childhood church for a fall festival.  I figured I’d see all the church kids I grew up with (our moms did exercise class together, too).  I only saw one though and she’s on my FB anyway.  Still, it was nice to see her.  I need different people in my life.  If I get married, I’d have you, Erin and Jess in my wedding, and I trust you but Jess and Erin would just fight.  Plus I don’t see them as friends I’ll have the rest of my life that I can look back and say, “remember my wedding?”  Plus, I’m vain. I want beautiful people in my wedding.  God, I’m horrible.   Anyway, after that, Brian and I went and got Brody’s Halloween costume to surprise him.  By the time we left, we’d decided to go to the costume party at Skeeters.  He borrowed Brody’s Freddy Krueger hat and claw, and after dinner at Steak and Shake, we went to Walmart and got him a red sweater, gelatin, green spray paint, and masking tape.  I got a pretty nightgown and slippers which we shredded, and put fake blood all over.  I went as Nancy from Nightmare on Elm Street, or really a Freddy Krueger victim.  On Wednesday, I think I might dress up differently.  A pinup model maybe? I don’t know, we’ll see.  At Skeeters, I was bored.  There was music, but no karaoke.  No one cheered for our costume.  Some guy in a $10 mask beat us--which I don’t get.  Against my better judgement, we took off for Duke Lounge.  As childish as it seems, I didn’t want to be around Nicole or Jordan, and that’s where they usually go. They weren’t there though.  So, it was ok.  They probably would have been nice, but still.  No one really cheered for us there either, and I got a lot of “Are you pregnant?”  questions.  Damn, I know I’m big but ugh!  I was out of juice before we even went out, but by the time Duke was over, I was ready to sleep.  Still, I needed a shower.  It was nice.  I wish I knew why I’m so tired all the time.  I take my medication!  So, tomorrow, I have to get up early, get my permit changed to my maiden name and get a new social security card, and get your birthday gift.  I wanted to make it but oh well.  I’m just sorry it’s late!
Alright, if I don’t get a job soon, I’m going to have to rely on flyering for Christmas gifts and I don’t like that idea.  It’s hard to do 300 flyers a day in the South Florida heat.  I’m desperate for a job.  I know you know this.  I have 8 weeks to get all these following people these gifts:
1. Mom--something from the Family Christen store
2. Dad--something for his boat?  (thinking)
3. Rory--bookstore gift card and maybe something else.
4. Riley--halo games?  whatever toy he wants.
5. Reegan--clothes, toys
6. Winter--clothes, whatever toy she wants
7. Gabby--build-a-bear, strawberry shortcake movie
8. Brody--build a bear, the amazing spiderman, avengers, dark knight rises
9. Stephanie--rum diary?  orange stuff (she loves orange)
10. Brian--stuff from Ragg Tagg
11. Brian’s mom
12. Brian’s dad… still thinking
13. you!--we’ll see.

So nice to write all this out.  I find lists and guidelines very helpful.  I think it’s all very doable even with flyering.  I’ll get the kids out of the way first.  Anywhoozles, I’m going to read for a while now and I expect I’ll write more later or tomorrow. Love your face, love you and I love you more than life!!