12:13 am
Hey Chelsea,
What up! Me, I had a pretty long day. I took my mom her glasses and then went to the library to find some summer music. It literally took me the whole day to organize my Itunes library. Now I've just been relaxing and tweeting. I find that I really enjoy hearing from people and tweeting and being silly. But I'm not sure if I want to put anything REALLY personal on there.
So, I came to this conclusion the other day. After my friend Rachel told me about Matt, I realized that he wasn't interested in being my friend. But if I had wanted him, nothing would have stopped me. Things were a mess with Ryan anyway by the time I met him (a year ago next week). So, I guess he started falling in love with that girl around the same time things fell apart with Ryan and he picked her over me, which is fine. He thought I should be single for a while and it made sense at the time. So, yeah, I miss his friendship. But I'm not gonna miss the fact that it was all a big fat lie. Also, he's known this girl since October. They have been official since December. She is 26 with a 5 year old and they now live with him in Waukegan. Hello -- 6 months -- living together -- kid! It could work out perfectly fine or whatever. But I have a feeling that it won't. Not just because of what he did to me but I just have this nagging feeling that something will go wrong. Because, okay. If I had a kid and was a single parent, I would have to make absolutely certain that this is the person for me. You can't be that certain in that short amount of time, even for yourself much less a kid, too. I personally think she is just looking for a daddy for her kid and it will end badly and suddenly I will hear from him again. But guess what -- I don't give 2nd chances to fake friends. Sorry, asshole. Maybe I'm wrong. Man alive I hope so. But, I had the same feelings about you and David. It's not that I don't like his girlfriend, I just don't like the way he treated me when he started dating her. The fact that he felt the need to blow me off and didn't want me to meet her tells me that something isn't right there. Even though Rachel has met her. But he never liked Rachel, they were just friends. So, it's whatever now. He made his choice and maybe one day I will hear from him again or maybe not. But he made it that way. I would have been happy hearing happy stories of his love and all of that. But meh.
Anywho, the funniest thing just happened. I was talking to Barry about music and he said he hadn't swapped out the music in his Ipod in forever. Lots of memories there good and bad. And I said that "there are certain songs it hurts to listen to but I love them. Music has never let me down so it's better to love that than some asshole." Lol! It just made me think of this: "music has been my bff, held me when I cried, wrapped its loving arms around me, laughed with me, cheered me up, and touched my soul. All a man has ever done is disappoint me."
It's not really a quote, just something I sort of made up and now I sort of want to expand on. (on next page ~~~~~>)
Lol that was fun.
Ugh. It is 1am and I need to get some sleep soon. I am 2 days away from having to pay my student loan off and if I don't get paid tomorrow I have to call the lady and hopefully she will be understanding and will let me pay when I have the money. I feel like I went through my last paycheck a little bit too fast so I am gonna have to keep an eye on it from now on. And I am applying for a job at Hobby Lobby and Petsmart soon. I just can't do this one job thing anymore. Charisse really screwed me over when I stopped working for her and now it's like she never wants to hang out or anything. But I understand she has a family and school and work. Maybe I can look at other websites and see if anyone needs a nanny. I've kind of given up on care.com since I applied for every job and no one answered me back. Even when people did respond back they would just disappear if the subject of money came up.
I actually wouldn't mind working at Best Buy either, any place where I don't have to bag my own groceries and get yelled at for being too slow. What I really want, though, is to work on studying for my test. I don't want to get too far from that.
Alright, I would love to keep writing but my hand is killing me. I love you and will keep you updated on what happens.
Love,
Me.
1:13am
~Music~
Music has been there for me when no one else was. When no one else could be. Held my hand through all the various stages in my life. Moved me to tears. Has made me see the world in sharps and flats, traffic keeping time to a song on my lips. Inspiration. Beauty. Secrets. Humility. Everything I wanted to say but couldn't. I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I want you. I need you. FUCK YOU! Fuck the asshole who caused me pain. Fuck my family who abandoned me. Fuck you for hurting me. Fuck me for not standing up for me. As tears roll down the page, the hurt is wiped away, the evidence in mixed messages only 2 people know the meaning to. Me and you. Here is your one shot to show who you really are and say what you really mean for once. Of course, some music is shit. No soul, no love, no meaning besides the obvious. I want to get lost in poetic words that are able to take me on a journey within my own mind. I don't give a fuck about bitches and hoes, sluts, fancy cars, or what make up and clothes you wear. What will happen when you're sick of playing dress up and want the world to know the "real" you? And, who is that? Do you know? Just give me something I can feel with my whole body, a rainbow of emotions, a journey of whatever story you are telling. You have three minutes. Go.
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