June 15th, 2011

June 15th, 2011
12:56am

Hey sweets,
 How are you doing?  I'm kinda liking this whole journal thing, it makes me want to explore other options other than a 5 star notebook.  But it is still the beginning, so we will see how much I like it once it starts falling apart, like yours lol.  So, I have to tell you something (and no, I'm not pregnant.  At least I don't think so?) haha.  Well, I just feel like I spend so much time working on this nb that I have completely neglected my own.  It would normally take me 4-5 months to fill up an entire 5 subject nb by myself if I wrote in it everyday and I could usually finish 2 a year.  I finally got to buy a new nb for myself last May -- and I'm still working on it.  So, I am going to have to devote less time to this one and more time to mine because I can't have this happen.  I can't neglect myself, ya know?  I am still going to write in here everyday.  But I can't use all my energy up on this one.  I know you will understand.  Okay well I will write more tomorrow but I just wanted to write a little.  I love you!

Love, me
1:07am
June 15th, 2011
11:39am

So, I had the weirdest dream ever.  I was in this house and Danielle (my old best friend from high school) is in the bathroom getting ready for her wedding but she has short hair (like to her chin) and she is all by herself.  So, I am with a friend and we're just talking about whatever and then I open the door to the bathroom and Danielle says, "See you at the wedding."  And I say, "no you won't because I wasn't invited."  And then I sort of just walk away.  And I'm listening for when she is done so I can see her all dolled up but I don't hear anything.

There's more that happens after that but I don't remember how everything goes.  But yeah, wtf dream world!

So, I guess Korey's latest pitch is that I'm spending time with Barry just to fuck with his head.  The sad thing is, this is not the first time someone had accused me of doing something just to fuck with someone's head.  Ryan thought I spent the night with him to get back at my ex, and my ex thought I hooked up with Ryan to get back at him AND you.  Because it couldn't possibly be that my ex was such an abusive asshole that I just wanted to get the fuck away from him.  And Ryan had his own motives for being with me -- to get you to hate him.  But hate isn't the opposite of love.  Indifference is.  I still have no idea why in 2009 when you and I were fighting he was all for the drama but a year goes by and nothing happens and SUDDENLY he has a big problem with us talking.  Anyhow, got a little sidetracked.  So yeah, Monday night Barry was over at Korey's and Korey demanded to know who he was talking to at that moment and it just so happened that he was talking to his cousin so he said so and Korey was like, "bullshit."

You know, I don't fucking know why Korey hates me so much.  I mean, I could see why he'd be hurt, because I just stopped talking to him and then started hanging out with Barry.  But there was a while there when I wasn't hearing from or hanging out with either of them.  And thanks to Korey I didn't take things personally when I didn't hear from Barry anymore, just figured I wasn't "special" anymore.  To him anyways.  Now I understand that he was spending all his time with Sarah but even that went downhill because of Korey (well, that and she's a headcase, but he helped things along).  Anywho-
I was getting this horrible anxiety from talking to Korey, he would just harp on everything bad in his life and just complain about how shitty things were and of course none of it was his fault.  It was mentally exhausting and as much as it hurt me, I had to cut him off.  That and my body was going through hell and I couldn't take all the stress.  What also struck me as weird was that after I met Barry and 3 weeks later Korey told me all this shit about him, he made it seem like he was mad and didn't want anything to do with Barry at all.  But then every time we would hang out, Korey would be like, "oh I just talked to him" or "we just hung out yesterday."  Like he was this horrible person who no one in their right mind should be hanging out with, but HE can hang out with him whenever he wants.  Honestly, I think that Barry would be better off cutting him off like I did, but he has an even bigger problem of letting people go than I do.  It still hurts me that I had to let Korey go.  But I realize now that if I didn't, things would still be the same -- Korey trying to keep Barry and I apart from each other.  And yet we're both supposed to hang out with him.  How is that supposed to work?
And then Barry was telling me how he wished he could just tell him and get it over with, but he doesn't want to deal with the consequences.  I personally hate that I have to sneak around and I can't just be like, "yep he is my boyfriend."  If Korey was just normal, he would know already and none of this would be happening.  But no.

Love,
Me

12:19pm