2:05pm
Hey Chels,
Well, I am so glad that you are really going to be working through everything -- I mean, I'm so honored that you trust me enough to share this stuff and I'm also excited to read it. I'm sorry if that sounds a bit morbid.
Anyhow, so, Ryan and I started dating officially in December 2008. My next trip would be in February, 2009. One month before you were to find out about us. For this Valentine's Day he gave me a pair of turtle earrings. I still have them, but I can't bring myself to wear them again. Maybe one day. He also took me to Juno Beach. The water was freezing cold so I didn't get to swim, but I loved it just the same. The only thing that sucked was that I was sick and by the end of the trip, so was he. This was the trip where he told me that this was the longest he had ever gone without cheating on anyone (it was probably why he played so many games with you and wouldn't have a proper relationship with you.) At first I was flattered, but then I just thought, "what is he talking about, it's only been 2 months." Apparently he did sleep with someone after I left but it was only because he was "so upset." We weren't even really dating then. He knew I was going to leave soon so what chance did he really have?
The April 2009 trip had to have been my favorite trip ever. It was right after all the drama happened, but he bought a tent for the trip so I knew we were okay. I guess I missed a pretty big cue there. But anyways, he took me to Long Pine Key (I think it's called) and we just spent one night there. Apparently he had a bet going with his dad over how many nights I would last and he lost because I only lasted one night. He (Ryan) forgot some really important stuff, like a frying pan (can't cook breakfast without something to cook it on), and firewood. He found a chopped up telephone wire pole that of course wouldn't work. If there had been more fire and more breakfast, then maybe.
He never wanted me to learn how to drive a stick shift or go canoeing. He said these things would for sure "break us up." I don't really remember the June 2009 trip, just that it was after Kathy died and I felt differently about leaving. At first, I thought there would be nothing else tying me here, but then he started hinting that maybe I shouldn't move down yet. He was the one who had kept asking me when it would happen. Well, I just slowly but surely accepted the fact that I wasn't going anywhere, and with everything happening all at once I thought I better get comfortable here (in Chicago). The September '09 trip was my favorite by far, probably because I got to drive wherever I wanted. I visited Kristie, went to the beach, and drove past my old place in Greenacres. It was surreal to be there. I also drove to Margarita's, but there was nothing there, just an empty lot. One day I WILL find out the truth about where my stuff went. Then there was my birthday 2009... Which would have gone so much better if I hadn't of gotten my period. I got my first birthday present from Ryan -- a necklace and earring set he got from the flea market. The one thing that disappointed me about Ryan was that he would never just send me flowers on a Tuesday or something. Yeah, it seemed cool that he bought my plane tickets, but it would have been so nice if he would just send me stuff to let me know he was thinking of me or -- hell -- surprise visit me. Just for a weekend. I stopped day dreaming about "what I would show him when he gets here" because he never did. Any other guy would have. Especially if the relationship was serious.
It wasn't until last year that I really started to feel trapped. It wasn't because of you, the strain of the never-ending long distance part was getting to us both. I should never have accepted the fact that he was never coming up here. I should also never have accepted the things he said about my body. How can someone say, "I love you" and "you?re fat" in the same sentence? He should have been on his knees thanking God that he was having sex with me at all.
I remember this one time I was sleeping and I remember him rolling over and I guess I kneed him in the ribs or whatever. I was asleep, but I remember feeling like I was being attacked, then whatever it was taking a long time to react. He put all of his blankets and pillows on me and didn't even kiss me before going to work. And he called me a bitch! I found out later that I hurt him in his sleep and that was why he was so mad at me. I just said, "if I was asleep, how could I have known that I hurt you? You hurt me all the time in your sleep but I don't hold it against you BECAUSE YOU ARE ASLEEP! Do you honestly think I would have hurt you if I was awake?" What a fucking idiot. The last 4 visits were the worst. In April I got to drive a car but it had an expired tag so I was instructed to only drive it to the beach. Well, I went to see Kristie and we had a grand old time driving everywhere. We even took pictures (I took a couple while driving but only when traffic was slowed down or stopped). Well, the next day Kristie wanted me to go swimming with her (I wanted to go to the beach but she kept complaining about it) and when I got there she didn't feel like it anymore. I thought it was so rude to basically guilt someone into hanging out with you then making lame excuses. She said something so rude, too. She was playing this xbox game and talking to people and when I started putting on sunblock she said out loud, "it is impossible for me to put on fat." I just sat there in shock. Like, "oh gee thanks for reminding me how skinny you are and how huge I am." I didn't say that, though, what was the point? Anyhow, she basically bombarded me for all the pics we took the previous day and I tried saying no but she wouldn't stop bugging me. It took her like 2 weeks to get all the pics she wanted and she kept bitching at me to clean out my camera. Um thanks, miss impatient.
Well, she put them on her page right away, including the ones that we took in the car. Ryan was so pissed. He could not let go the fact that we took pics while driving. NOTHING HAPPENED! Like, the next trip (in June), Kristie wanted to come over and I tried giving her directions but she wouldn't listen to me about where to turn and she ended up at the beach with a smoking car. So, when Ryan came home and I was still there, he asked what happened and I said Kristie had car trouble and couldn't make it. He was just like, "oh so she can break my mom's car but not her own?" and he got super pissed and slammed his pocket knife onto the coffee table. (for the record, she didn't break his mom's car. We just had a little problem with the convertible top) but nothing happened. I did get pulled over the last day I went to the beach, but didn't get in trouble. Well... Ryan decided that it was time for the car to go to the shop. I had to drive there and he would drive behind me. Only problem was, I didn't know how to get there (I had never driven there myself). I still to this day can't remember if he wanted me to park the car in the back or the front because he was going a mile a minute. Honestly, I dunno why I even brought it up. There was a spot in the front, but I panicked and went to the back. I got out of the car and he was following me. He looked so mad. I got in his car and he just laid into me about how I don't listen to anything he says and he specifically had a spot for me in the front. I was just thinking, "why is he so mad at me? I thought he said back OR front. What's the difference?" I never learned what the difference was besides he's a huge control freak.
The June trip was by far the worst. My flight got cancelled so Ryan had to pay for a last minute ticket from another airline and it was twice as much. Spirit Airlines went on strike and my flight got cancelled the morning of. I would have been okay with waiting but he wasn't. Ugh, I don't even remember what we fought about. My "stomach problems" I think. And in August I was so much more flexible because I was doing yoga everyday but he just kept right on it. The summer was great, though. I went out a lot, hung out with Geoff a lot, swam, went to some parties, visited Alex. This is also when I stopped texting Ryan so much. I was just sick of his negative attitude towards me and I wanted out. I spent a lot of the summer mad and by my last trip (in November) I was just done.
3:31pm
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5:20pm
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I had spent the last few months of my relationship driving apart from it. As I grew more connected to this place I grew up in and meeting new people, I felt myself growing tired of always being the one to travel, always rearranging my life. I was just tired of being single for 6 weeks and being in a relationship for 10 days. Right before I was meant to come down there again for New Years, he started flipping out because his mom was going to be here around the same time. I even suggested waiting a week but he didn't want to do that. Well, what do you do for someone who wants you to come down but not when your mom is in town, but not after she leaves, either? Uhh? is this supposed to be some sort of riddle?
I dunno what I would say to Ryan if I had the chance, but I would imagine it would go something like this:
Dear Ryan,
I'm not really sure what to say here. I spent 2 years of my life being in a relationship with someone who wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship at all. As much as I loved you and accepted you for who you were, I don't think you loved me in the same way. You only saw what you wanted to and made up the rest as you went along. For the record: no, I don't now nor have I ever done any drugs. I don't get up every day at the butt crack of dawn, but that doesn't mean that I don't contribute to society. You were the one who wanted to be in a relationship with me and YOU asked ME to be YOUR girlfriend. I love my body the way it is and I am fully capable of being as active as I want to be. Taking 10 steps to the patio to smoke cigarettes every half hour is NOT a proper workout routine. I never did anything at your place because what is there to do? You don't just ask me or "sort of propose" and then don't. Lame! Also, Geoff and Chelsea are my friends and if you didn't like that then too damn bad for you. I've known Geoff since I was 13. I should never have to apologize for being friends with him. As for Chelsea, she and I have been through a lot and she will always be in my life. I'm sorry that is such a fucking problem for you.
As for my spirituality, you knew about it going in. I don't get how it could possibly be a problem now when I've done everything to assure you that I don't care if you believe or don't. You could have been happy, but I think you are just a miserable person in general. I'm glad you let me go because now I can really move forward in my life. I already have another boyfriend--someone who appreciates me and who treats me 100x better than you ever did. And unlike you, he doesn't piss and moan over things I have no control over. Oh--and one more thing. Bong hit + vodka before work = good way to slowly kill yourself. Your liver is so damaged, and so is your brain. And you're only 30! Sad.
No love,
Rita
Ugh. I have no real anger towards him, not like the letter I wrote to Brian. You know? I think I know why I got myself into those relationships, both Brian and Ryan had found me when I was extremely weak and vulnerable. When I met Barry -- yeah I had just broken up with someone, but I was able to move on because I knew it was going to be over. I didn't even think we would both end up single at the same time or that any of this would happen. If I'm gonna be dating someone, I'm glad it's someone who understands the importance of being patient and honest about what he really wants. I'm hoping that he will at least always be honest with me.
Anywho, I am gonna get going now. <3 you!
Love,
Rita
8:18pm
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