12:15am
Hey Chels,
I promise to go back to regular writing soon, I just have my system of doing things. So, happy birthday, Bella Cullen! I am pretty sure I'm the only one in the world who actually remembers, but whatever. I don't care. I am a Twilight fanatic and I don't care who knows it!
So, I've actually had some things to write about that have been weighing on my mind lately, but of course this is when I don't write. So, yesterday (or Sunday now) I went to the wine festival with my mom. It made me think of last year. I was with Ryan and I spent his 30th birthday with him and aside from that it was one of the worst trips ever. All we did was fight and have sex. So by the time my birthday came along, I was tired of it. I did end up finding Cory on face book, the one I met in Montana, and when I came back we got to talk!! It was so nice to hear from him. But then just like that he was gone. The last time I heard from him before he disappeared was the wine festival last year and then he called me at Christmas but I blew him off and tried to call back and couldn't get ahold of him. And have tried to send texts but nothing goes through. I have no idea WTF happened but I hope that I get to find out eventually. I think all that hating 9-11 stuff was me just remembering being forced to watch coverage on it at Ryan's house last year and the year before. It was like, he couldn't care less about anything else that happened, he always had some shit to say about Haiti or Japan or whatever. But all that anniversary stuff comes on the history channel about 9-11 and we have to watch it all freaking weekend. I purposely stayed away from all of it because I didn't want to see anything, what I saw from the paper was bad enough. I don't need to relive it and torture myself every year. I have already spoken my piece on it though so I don't need to go there again. I'm just saying.
We also fought about you. He was saying how you were nothing but drama even though he previously told me he didn't care if I talked to you or not. I think he's just a big control freak and he was looking for anything to fight about because it was too hard to just man up and say "this isn't working." So whatever. Last year was the first year in a long time that I finally felt like myself again. And Ryan was just holding me back. I love the fact that I didn't tell him happy birthday. I haven't heard from him one bit since he broke up with me. So he doesn't get anything from me. And come my birthday, I better not hear anything from him. I don't want to hear one fucking thing. Alright I'm done bitching about him. Ugh.
So after the festival I came home and relaxed for a while and then Barry wanted me to come over even though he'd be working all night. I like our system though. I bring a book over and get some reading done and there's still time for snuggles. Hehe. Anyhow, he had to make sure something was copying before he took a shower and that took forever. After that we had our time, then afterwards we took a walk. It was quite the adventure. My city at 3am is very quiet, everyone all tucked in their old Victorian houses and the occasional straggler lol. But it was nice taking a walk with him, we haven't been able to do that for a while because it's been too hot out. There was a full moon out, also. So the sky was so bright. And it was my parents' wedding anniversary. Seemed like it's exactly where I was supposed to be. It seems like ever since things ended with Ryan, Barry was just waiting for me. Right before that happened Barry and I had this conversation that is a little weird now that I think about it but I was with Ryan and he was with Sarah and we were both just talking about how happy we were and how badly we wanted to please the other person. This was right around your birthday, I think. And then a week later all hell breaks loose for both of us. And the anniversary of when we started hanging out again is December 17th. Your divorce day and my would have been 2 year anniversary with Ryan. I was thinking today that I should have just told him to fuck off after the first visit because I saw that he had called me a cunt to one of his buddies. Even if I didn't say why, I should have just said it wasn't going to work but thanks for the trip. It's not even like we did anything special while I went down there. Except for the one time we went camping. But whatever. Anyhow, I'm getting all jumbled up here.
My point is that I should have just not pursued something that had no real way of working. But how could I know how it would turn out?? And, I still got the guy. While I was reading my book last night and watching him work I just had this thought: "I love my computer geek." lol. This sounds weird to even say and I don't want to jinx anything but I see a real future with us. That's all I'm going to say for now because I don't want to jinx myself but that's just how I feel. I especially love it when he's on the phone with someone and calls me his girlfriend. Even if he's on a work call lol. Like George and Dan both should just know who I am. Oh, I met Dan today. Well, kind of. Barry got to sleep around 8:30am and he wasn't laying down for 5 minutes when his work and cell phones both started ringing. He just shut everything off. And then Dan called more than once 1 think and then left a message (I heard him outside) and then knocked on the door. I didn't think he was expecting me to be there but oh well. I'm not gonna hide, especially when you wake me up. Barry had to drive to Addison to fix this client's computer system but they (Dan picked him up because he doesn't have a car right now) weren't even 3 blocks before she called and said it was back up. That's the last I heard from him today so I'm thinking he slept all day.
Alright, I would love to write more but I am just really freaking tired. I have to stop taking that Nyquil and get my body feeling better without it. I can't just keep taking it forever, that's how people get addicted. So I'm sucking on a throat lozenge and hope that helps. My coughing isn't that bad, but it's enough to keep me up when I'm trying to sleep. And I have to get some rest because I am massaging Jim tomorrow! My cousin Amy said that she just wants me to do it this week and next week and then "we'll see". I think that means if she gets a job then she can keep paying me but if not then she can't. I am praying she gets this planned parenthood job, not just for me but so that she doesn't have to move away to Michigan.
Okay, NOW I am done writing for now, lol. Love you! And ps, I'm glad to be all over the place because I know you are too, at least this nb. But it's not bad.
Going back reading I see that our stories always seem to be that way.
Love!!
Rita
1:15am
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September 13th, 2011
11:16pm
Hey Chels,
I'm sorry you feel so shitty right now. There are so many things I wish I could say to you but honestly I'm afraid to. I am kind of even afraid to write how I feel in here but think by the time you get this it won't matter anymore. So please know that I love you and I'm going to say what I'm about to say because I love you. Okay ::takes deep breath:: I really don't think you should give Ryan any more of your time, at least not romantically. I realize that you like him a lot and he probably has some great qualities that you like. But he is just not a good person for you, at least not now. You guys aren't even a real couple yet and already he's showing you that he's not boyfriend material, nor is he ready for any kind of commitment. He really needs to seek professional help and maybe go to AA. Because not being able to remember stuff is not a good enough excuse. How many times did I come crying to you about Brian using that same excuse on me? Too many times. I remember all of the heartache and pain I went through and you had to watch me go through it because I was too stubborn to leave. And what ended up happening? I ended up leaving a monster who ruined my life and forced me out of a place I worked my ass off to keep. I gave away money I didn't have and dealt with nightmare roommates and heartbreak after heartbreak because I didn't want to go home yet. And I still got my heart broken. And on top of that, I lost you to stupid David who ruined your life. I'm not comparing Ryan to David but one of the reasons why I'm too scared to just simply tell you all of this is because I don't want to fight with you over a guy. Every time David did something to hurt you and I told you what I thought it caused tension between us. And David was nothing but disappointment after disappointment. But you got the courage to leave him just like I got the courage to leave Brian. So, this Ryan character? I am really hoping you decide to ditch him before it gets any deeper because you are setting yourself up for more heartache if you stay. You are letting this guy play with your heart and especially treat you like dirt. And I feel like you've come so far from that. I'm not saying not to care about this guy. But if you really care about him, encourage him to seek treatment. It's okay to like someone who is bad for you. But it's not okay to be treated like this and feeling like crap ALL the time. I am so proud of you for getting this far. You decided that you were sick of being alone and you decided to let someone in. That is a HUGE step. And you can decide to stay his friend or whatever you want. Even though it's not really working out the way you planned it, it's still a huge step. But it's okay to hold out for someone who is actually available. That's allowed. This guy is showing you time and time again that he's not, and by not sticking by his convictions, that is really selfish of HIM. Hold on I want some wine.
Ha wow some long ass break -- sorry. I started drinking my wine and then got lost in a sea of YouTube videos. So, you know how you are completely addicted to Instant Star? Well, I am like that with Degrassi. And you know what? I am starting a collection. I am going to buy 1 or 2 seasons on Amazon.com every time I get paid. It's mostly the money that Amy got me but you know what? I left my Degrassi seasons and Dawson's Creek, Friends, and Gilmore Girls in Florida so why not try and get that back plus more? Just, I'm not sure where I'm gonna put everything, I might just have to get a cd holder so it won't take up a million miles of room. I dunno, maybe I better start with just Degrassi. Everything else I can get at the library.
Anyhow, I just got done watching the finale of Degrassi and OMG! I'm not sure what the last episode you saw was so I'm just gonna go backwards. Let's see, Holly J ended up being my favorite character.
She got sick, I think she had strep throat that went into her kidneys (this was after she and Sav hooked up on Vegas night) and it went untreated because she had so many other things going on. She ended up in the hospital and there had been significant damage done to her kidneys so she needed dialysis. It turned out the dialysis wasn't working so she needed to go everyday and then it turned out she needed a transplant. Her family was tested to see if they were a match but her blood type was different than her family's. It turns out she was adopted. So she met her birth mother who remembered what happened and Holly J got the courage to ask her to get tested even though she felt like complete shit. There was just no time to get to know the birth mother before working up the courage to ask. The mom wanted to do it but had two little kids of her own and she asked for $20,000 which ended up being illegal so Fiona (Declan's sister) bought her mom's vintage prom dress for $20,000 so that Holly J could get her kidney (she got tested also but was negative for a match). So, the surgery was scheduled for the prom so Fiona, Anya, and Chantal took Holly J out for a pre-prom thing. It was so cute.
I could go on but it's after 2am and I need to settle down and hopefully get some sleep. Day 2 of no nyquil (let's keep this up!)
Love,
Rita
Sept 14th, 2011
2:10am
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