July 30th, 2011

July 30th, 2011
8:14pm

Hey Chels,
How are you feeling?  Your face looked like it hurt so I'm guessing you are in some kind of pain.  But at least this pain will pass and you will end up feeling a million times better once the swelling goes down.

I had such a wonderful time at Dan and Johnny's.  my mom married them last year but it wasn't legal.  So they wanted to make it legal and today they did.  I was supposed to go to Barry's but his cousin decided to come out.  So he asked if I wanted to come over anyways and he would send his cousin over to Korey's house for a while so we could have some privacy.  Ummm no sorry, lol.  Plus, his cousin isn't going to rehab anymore.  They let him out of the hospital early and he was supposed to go to rehab in Waukegan but that didn't happen because he relapsed like right away.  So, who knows what is gonna happen with this guy but I am pretty sure it won't be good if he never stops then he's not gonna live to see 30.  He is 26 and has been an addict for about 14 years so it's even amazing that he's still alive.  But it won't be that surprising if he dies because he is still doing drugs.  Although he could end up like Lynne, who has managed to survive what she puts her body through.  That's the scary thing -- not dying.  You would think that being alive would scare people so much that they would do all the drugs they could to prevent that from happening.  But the body will do anything to stay alive, and if you haven't died from something already, it would take a lot to do you in.

Alright, I am gonna take a bath.  I need to shave my legs like yesterday.

Love,
Me

8:34pm
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Journal entries from July 20th, 2011--July 30th, 2011

Hey Chels,
Well, it is nearly 2:30am and I am really freaking tired but of course have shit on my mind so I'm writing because that trumps sleep right now.  I just got finished having the weirdest conversation with Barry.  It started when he told me that his neighbor's wife is back.  Then we got into this discussion about hurting and he said that he has this thing where he says things that aren't just hurtful or destructive, they are psychologically damaging and he has no control over them.  I'm like, "well I have an ugly side too.  We all do."  And it's true.  I don't think he'd say something to me that was damaging if I didn't provoke him first and it's true.  I'm amazed that he's let me in as far as he has if he has this type of problem.  But everyone has defense mechanisms, I mean that's all it is.  I dunno what I would do if I were on the receiving end of it, would probably have to end things, but I don't want that to negate the things that I do feel towards him, like love.  I am crazy about him and I would like to be able to tell him I love him, even if it means that one day we'll get in some stupid argument and he might say something hurtful.  I think he underestimates what I've already been told about myself.  I'm not saying I would stay with him if that happened because I couldn't stay with someone who felt badly enough about me to say mean and hurtful things, but I think that he's also making it sound worse than it is.  We all have meanness in us.  We all have those deep dark places within ourselves that we rarely let show.  Unless we're mean on the outside.  Then we have that nice side that we rarely let show.  I think I've done pretty well in spite of all the crap people have said and are probably still saying about me.  I know I will move on from whatever happens with Barry (if anything).  But I don't think anything like that would happen.  I mean, I can't really predict the future, but so far he is basically telling me about a defense mechanism that 100% of the population has so it's not like he's the only one who gets hurt and then says something back.  Might be on a grander scale because of how self-aware he is, but that's all.  The scary thing though is that while I was still friends with Korey, he was explaining this same thing to me.  It's weird how linked those two are and yet their personalities are completely different.  But, there's a lot Barry doesn't know about me.  Like how much I know and am aware of and observe.  Ugh holy fuck I am tired and in pain right now.  Hope I can sleep!!  Ty for listening.
Love,
Rita
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8:03am
Good morning!!!
Hahahaha that's funny.  I've been up since 5:30am.  I had this really weird dream that made me feel like I was looking for someone who was in trouble for something who was close to me and I just couldn't take it anymore.  I had to get up.  So then I went to the bathroom and had to deal with gross bathroom stuff and even when I tried to get back to sleep, I couldn't.  so I basically got two hours of sleep when I was actually really tired and wanted to get some sleep.  Boo.  I'm still thinking about that conversation with Barry.  I dunno, I think he is just describing his own defense mechanism and it can't be any worse than what I've already been through in my life.  I have no idea if he would actually ever be mean to me but I'm wondering why in the heck I can't just find a guy who fights like a normal person?  Lol.  I would say this is definitely red flag territory, but it's not like anything has even happened and probably won't.  I think the reason why we work so well is that we both have a huge understanding about ourselves and we aspire to not be assholes, at least without being provoked first.  I'm at the point in my life now where I've been through enough to know exactly what I want and what I don't out of relationships and friendships alike.  But I also know what I do want, and right now that's to be with someone who wants to be with me and right now that person is Barry.  I'm not gonna worry about what might or might not happen in the future because as long as he's not trying to provoke my jealousy or get in my face while he's drunk he has nothing to worry about and I in turn have nothing to worry about with him.
Ugh, this canker sore is sooooo bad.  I'm gonna have to stick an ice cube to it and numb it that way.  That is prolly why I can't sleep moreso than anything else.

You know, as glad as I am that I am with Barry, a part of me really misses Ryan.  The sad thing is, the things he's told me about myself were probably just as equally damaging as anything Barry has to throw at me.  Like about my stomach.  It still eats at me sometimes, not what he said but that I just sat there and took it from him.  Just like that.  How is that not damaging?  To listen to someone basically tell you you're fat and lazy and that your body repulses him but you have no problem having sex with that person.  How is that not sending mixed messages?  Even in the beginning, the first visit when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  We had just slept together for the first time and he said he would quit smoking if I lost the tummy.  I said that I liked my tummy.  Oh and I was looking through his phone and saw a text message he sent to one of his friends calling me a cunt.  And I never confronted him because that would mean admitting that I went through his phone.  And I stayed with him for two years until HE broke up with ME.  And then to learn (because he kept repeating it) that his whole plan was to have me fall for him and then he ditches me.  I'm sure he didn't mean to be in a relationship with me for two years but that's how it happened.  And I feel like it was only that long because I didn't break up with him even though he was clearly being an asshole so that I would.  But I couldn't because he was paying for my trips down there so it had to come from him.  At least that was my thinking back then.  But now I realize that even if he had ordered me to pay him back for the trips, it would have been so much better than any of the past 4 trips I had to endure.  Seriously I felt like fleeing in the night, just wanted to get the fuck away from him.
So, who knows what crappy thing Barry might or might not say about me if I pissed him off and he snapped.  It could not be worse than enduring 3 alcoholics who I stayed with even after their shitty behavior.  I think I'm immune to most of the things people say because I already know things about myself that aren't perfect.  So like, saying something about me, provoked or not, probably isn't going to get you anywhere.  Years and years of being taunted and humiliated at school and being molested and having people constantly point things out will build walls that most people couldn't crush.  If we were just laying down together and he started in on me, then I would leave no question.  But if there was a fight and harsh words on both ends then maybe I would be a little bit more forgiving. I just don't see it happening with Barry.  If what I've already been through hasn't killed me yet then I'm not sure what he could possibly say that would damage me even more.
But I digress. I was talking about the missing Ryan part.  The thing that I miss the most, when things were good between us, was when he'd go out onto the patio and I would come up behind him and put my arms around him and my chin on his shoulder and he would wrap one of his arms around my waist.  We would look out onto the golf course and sometimes the orange blossoms would be in bloom and we would just stand there with the warm Florida breeze coming in along with the blossoms.  Especially if it was sunset and the sky was beautiful pinks and purples.  I was so in love and I felt like this is where I could spend forever.  It was the little moments like that, when we were sitting on the loveseat or laying in bed and just curled up in each other that I really miss.  And I miss our talks, especially in the beginning, when he actually cared about me and my feelings.
The one thing I did notice about him is that he was probably one of those kids who peaked in high school.  He would constantly bring up high school like it was his glory days and how much drugs he did and what he got away with.  Well, good for him.  Now he's 30, single, living in an efficiency that hasn't been dusted since before he moved in that's falling apart, stuck at a job he hates because the owners are running it into the ground, an alcoholic pothead who needs to refuel at least 4 times a day, no prospect of a girlfriend, no children. I think the only thing he's got going for him is a frog that he got while I was down there one time.  He is on his 2nd frog because he killed the first one.  I maybe have some debt and am still living with my parents but at least when I move out I will have a job that I love and who knows, maybe kids one day.  The spooky thing is that Monique told me once that my grandmother was going to move on in 3 years but she will still be with me.  Which to me means when I have children.  So that means that I have a lot to work on right now if I'm gonna get married and have a kid in 3 years.  But even then, he will probably still be single, still living in that piece of shit apartment, and still be an alcoholic/pothead.  Pooh and I just found my ex, Mike's, twitter page.  Yikes.  Not friending him though, last place I want to connect with him is the one place I feel safest. Twitter.
Ugh, I am tired of writing so I'm gonna take a break for now.  I love you.

Rita

8:50am
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July 21st, 2011
12:39pm

Hey Chels,
I just woke up from the weirdest dreams ever.  I have to pee and my mouth is killing me but those can wait because that's how weird these dreams are.  First off, I dreamed that I was supposed to go to this church with my friend, Ben (who looked like he did in high school), and give people massages.  We got there and then I had to leave because I needed to pick up my friend, Sarah Rugh (also from high school but a grade above us).  He said, "ok but we are 40 minutes away from anything."  and I said, "don't worry, she isn't that far and I will be back before anything happens."
Well, I really wanted that to be true since I was the massage therapist and he wasn't, but I ended up not coming back until after everyone was finished, and here's why: as I was driving to pick up Sarah, I went through different buildings.  Not with my car but like, floating through them.  And when I had my car I only did 35 miles an hour.  I finally found Sarah and told her we had to go to the church and she kept saying, "wait, I want to do this first."  This went on until it was dark out and I said, "okay Sarah.  Now we HAVE to go."  She started to protest but finally got it.  When we finally got back to the church there was some type of worship service happening and people were setting up.  She told me that she would wait for me in one of the seats and I said, "okay, I will go get Ben."  I found him and a couple of his friends at first and he was sooo mad.  I just said I was so sorry and we sat on a desk so I could comfort him and he was just telling me how he didn't know what he was doing and his arms were really hurting and he started crying.  I put my arms around him and started rubbing his back a little to make him feel better.  He pulled away from the hug and we just sort of looked at each other with our foreheads touching and then he kissed me, right on the lips.  It was soft at first but then he just kept on pressing his mouth to mine until I had to pull away because it was hurting.  He sort of gave me this crooked smile and said he would bring the car around but I need to find Sarah.  So I went around looking for her and everywhere I went there were people setting up and I was always in the way of people setting up.  Finally I remembered where she was supposed to be so I went to this couch where I left her but she was gone.  There was a purse and a few sparkly cell phones sitting on the couch and when I went over to investigate this girl said, "excuse me, that's our stuff." I asked her what happened to the girl sitting here before and she said it was empty when they got there.  I saw this purse that looked sort of familiar but when I went to look, there was only one thing in there and it didn't belong to Sarah or myself.  So I just left to go to the car and I don't remember if I found her or not because I woke up.
Then, here is the real wild dream.  It was supposed to be a set up of the tv show, CSI.  There were these 3 guys wandering around a neighborhood at night.  One of them was a yeti or had on a yeti costume (basically he looked like Bigfoot).  Okay so there is this meat product like a sausage that has come to life, I guess (I am having a harder time with the opening details of this one).  Well, one of the guys disappeared into the corn field and the other guy and the yeti fought with a tree for a while.  Like they used the branches to hit each other.  Until that got old and then they just decided to get along and be friends.  So the guy brought the yeti to his house, which was where me and all my friends were.  We were having this cookout and the yeti sees everyone and gets shy.  But he does have this meat on him which I guess we had to kill somehow because it was alive.  Oh, and in another part of the dream there is this kid who is fat but he's a totally cool kid to hang out with so I am playing with him (not in a sexual way lol) and in the morning he gives me this huge hug and he's like, "I didn't even have breakfast I just found you," and sure enough I could see that his mom had made pancakes but saw that he was outside playing and scooped them up and threw them out.  It was this sort of one story house with a huge driveway and tent thing over it and it was the end house so the rest of the backyard lead into the woods.  Well, the yeti was there at the outskirts of the woods.  We could all see him walking around but he wouldn't join us.  Well, Alex and I decided something had to be done about the meat.  You had to cut it in a special way and skin it or something weird like that.  She cut off a piece that looked like it had a tail and threw that one into a cooler, where it started moving so she found it and quickly cut the tail off.  Then we set off to work on the rest of it and I was cutting the pieces up in different ways and wrapping the pieces in plastic.  I am leaving out a bunch of details here because of what happened next that was completely insane.  There were actual aliens.  They looked like spiders but with metal legs.  Someone on our side saw it and some spiderman looking guy sent some power over to destroy the alien but it just made him mad.  We had the power to back them up until we could get the shield down, though.  And that's when I saw that a broom had gotten caught underneath the shield so I pulled it out and set it on the ground.  The broom was previously being used to get water and oil over to where the aliens would be so they would slip and fall but all that was quickly forgotten when all the shit started happening.  So, I guess now the broom was being used as a listening device because an antenna came out of it and started following everyone.  I was trying to get people to be nonchalant but they already knew.
And that was the end of my dream.  Holy shit, I have never had a dream that crazy or vivid that I remember everything before.  Anywho, I can't believe it's Thursday already.  Tomorrow I go to Monique's for past life regression and some other things. I wanted to practice seeing auras again and we were gonna do a release spell for you but there's no need for it anymore.  I do want to do a spell for you anyway, like a spell to help you find a job and also to make good things come to you and bad negative things to stay away.  I dunno what all we're gonna end up doing.  I'm unsure about the healing only because I really don't have the energy for it, with everything I went through this week.  But who knows?  Maybe when I get there it won't be so bad.
Oh, and I'm only typing this out because I still have my meds in and don't feel like getting up yet (because it stays in better if I lay down).  I really hope I get paid today so I will have some money tomorrow in case Monique wants to go out for dinner or something I want to have more than 10 bucks, plus I need money for gas.  I feel like I need to get a lot done and may not have the time to do it or the way I want it.  Plus this weekend is gonna be hella busy, at least on Sunday.  Still not sure what I'm doing Saturday.  Eek everything is happening all at once plus I have to get my stuff ready for court and figure out the train situation.  Cuz I want that to be locked down asap.

I am gonna get going for now.  But I shall return!!

Love,
Rita bo Bita

>^..^<
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July 22nd, 2011
1:57pm

So, in case you haven't noticed, I am putting all the notes I write you in here in one note.  That makes it so much easier to put things in order of when it was written.  So yeah.  I had the weirdest night.  There was a huge storm last night and by the time I heard from you I was already passing out.  Had really freaking weird dreams and kept waking up.  In one of my dreams I was having sex with my uncle (my dad's brother).  And after one of our sessions I was walking outside and I saw these cats.  They let me come up to them and as I was petting them I saw there were two babies.  One was white like the big white one and one was black like the big black one.  Well, the baby white kitten decided to take a swim.  I watched it swim and then I guess it got tired and put its head underwater.  That's when I dove in (it was this water hole that wasn't very wide but about 10 feet deep) and tried to save it and even the mama cat dove in to save it.  As I dove in it came to the surface again but when I grabbed it, it wiggled out of my reach and went under and then drown.  My whole family came outside (I guess we were at some kind of hotel) and I got out of the water finally and mama cat followed me.  I just looked into the water and saw baby kitten in a white little ball at the bottom.  I just started breaking down and everyone hugged me, including my uncle.  And for some reason, I had a sweatshirt on but no pants, not even underpants.  No one even noticed except my mom who told me later on.
That is the only dream I really remember.  I remember kissing someone named Mike Dunn (someone I went to elementary school with) and then I had to find my current boyfriend, Branden.  But then when I found him I decided to break things off with Mike instead.  There were others but I can't really remember them, just bits and pieces.  So, I am so late coming to Monique's house today but I will get there.  Just have to figure out a meal and get my Listerine/extra strength Tylenol ready.
I will write again later on.  Love you!

Rita

2:19pm
~~~~~~~~
(same day)
7:30pm

Hey Chels,
Still at Monique's and having the best time ever.  My period actually isn't bad.  One upside to having this stupid medicine inside me is that I don't bleed at all.  Which is divine because I can't wear a tampon so I'm not sitting in my mess all day.  Sorry for all the grossness it's just how it is lol.  We are now trying to decide which spell to do for you.  I want to do an abundance one for you.  So right now we are waiting for her dad to get home.  Then we're getting something to eat, then coming back and doing the spell for you.
The past life thing was definitely an eye-opener.  I was a cat in a past life.  I know I already told you but just wanted to write it again.  I was all black with one white paw and a white tip on my tail.  I had sparkly eyes that were yellow.  I lived on the royal property in the 1700's in Wales.  (I am Welch).  I was born in a barn on the property and the only cat that was allowed to stay because I was a guard's cat.  I lived in his room with him (inside the castle) and I was with him when he died.  He had a heart attack and I wouldn't leave him.  I was asleep on his head when the other guards came in and tried to shoo me away.  I wouldn't budge and the guy got spooked because of my sparkly eyes so I was killed by being thrown into a fire.  Then in my next life I was still a cat but I was with Dominique and this was late 1700s early 1800s.  Then by the year 1822 I was 5 years old and you were with me.  It was the backyard of somewhere and we were both in white long-sleeved nightgowns playing in the dirt. You had long reddish-brown hair down to your waist and I had long blond hair.  We got separated because you went off to war and I couldn't.  Which is weird because I highly doubt women were allowed to fight in 1822 or that time but maybe you were a nurse or something?  I'm not sure.  Maybe it will come to me in my dreams tonight.
That's pretty much it.  Will write later!

Love,
Rita

7:54pm
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July 26th, 2011
8:13am

Hey Chels,
I just woke up from this really weird dream.  I dreamed there was this sort of inside ren fair in my house.  I was at the first booth and saw 2 necklaces that I liked, one was a crystal and the other one was a heart.  I was going to pay for them but noticed that no one was paying attention so I just put them up my sleeve, then walked away and put them in my pocket.  The whole rest of the dream I was feeling exhilarated and guilty at the same time.  There was this boy who liked me, I think he was my boyfriend, and he kept saying things about my pockets looking heavy.  So I kept excusing myself to go find different hiding places.  Once was in a drawer in the bathroom and the next time it was outside.  It was like the worst guilty conscience ever.  Lol.  At any rate, ugh I am up early.  In two days I have court.  I am praying that the lawyer doesn't show up because we made a deal over the phone, but I'm sure he's betting on the fact that I won't show up.  I just can't wait until this whole thing is over with and I can move on with my life.  I ended up writing a statement and really making my ex look bad.  I know I'm going to have to go in front of a judge and relive what Brian did to me and that part is not going to be fun.  But that's why I just wrote it down, as kind of an overview on what happened.  And since Brian won't be there he can't defend himself so, oh well.  I had taken pictures of my bruises but I deleted most of them, and the pics of the damage.  They were too hard to look at.  It was all too hard to look at.  But I'm not afraid anymore.  I am not afraid to say, "this is what happened and this is why I got this debt in the first place."
A part of me wished I had never said okay to anything.  I wish I had never said okay to a best buy credit card, moving in with Earnest and Lauren, and buying my own engagement ring.  I wish that I would have been stronger and said that I'm managing the money and weare just squeezing by and I don't want to disrupt that.  But if you want to live in my living room go ahead but you have to share with the bunny.  Lol.  I was just thinking about this last night.  Brian's argument was that it builds credit but mine should have been that I'm already building my credit by paying the rent on time and the utilities.  There are different ways to get credit and I don't want it hanging over my head if I screw up.  Because that's what will happen.
And that's exactly what happened.  He doesn't realize though that he still has things in his name in addition to mine.  And just because I'm paying them off doesn't mean he is going to walk away from this Scott free.  He is going to be 30 this year and he will never be able to buy a house.  He will have to latch onto some poor girl and marry her to be able to get a house anywhere.  I have a better shot at getting a place for myself than he does.  And I don't even know what my credit score is, but I know it's better than his.
I am sure all of this is tied into my dream somehow, moving around, stealing things without paying (getting them anyway even though I knew I couldn't afford them), and moving my stuff around so no one could find it and it finally looking ridiculous.  It all describes my feelings on the whole thing.
Well, I am gonna go for now.  Love you!

Rita

8:39am
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July 27th, 2011
11:13pm

Hey Chels,
I can FINALLY write you.  My court date is in the morning and I am pretty much fine with it, mainly I just hope I can find it.  But I think that I will be fine, plus if my mom gives me some money I can take a taxi and I don't even have to worry about walking.  I was gonna say I could prolly get away with bringing my iPod, but I don't want to chance it.  I'm not bringing anything with me that anyone would find even remotely interesting.  I want to bring it though, just to write if I get there early!  You know what??  I am going to bring it, but only use it either when I'm on the train or in the building.  Once I'm outside again it disappears where no one can see it.  Because if I can't write I think I will go mad.
I am hoping that the other guys won't show, but of course I'm not that lucky.  I love that my mom was so impressed with my organizational skills.  I wanted to keep all my school stuff together, then everything I owe, then what I paid off, then my timesheets and paystubs to prove that I've been working.  It's a lot to organize but when it comes down to what I owe, I want to know exactly where my money is going.  I haven't heard from anyone that I owe in Florida so I have no clue if they still expect me to pay them or if they just closed my account and moved on.  Because I haven't heard from anyone in more than a year.
So anyhow, I have been avoiding this all day but I had to write about it sooner or later.  I had a dream about Ryan this morning.  Before I went to sleep last night I said to keep me safe in my dreams and if anyone had a message for me to please feel free to speak up in my dream.  Well, I had two dreams that I remember.  Well, one I really remember and then one I only sort of remember.  In the first one, I was with Ryan.  We were in some sort of hotel room and he had coke on him (cocaine) and I took some.  I immediately felt all hyper and I wanted it to stop so I went downstairs and Dr Drew was there and he told me to spray hairspray in my face, that will make me sneeze the coke out.  So I did that with every hairspray can I could find and I kept spraying it in my face.  Well I sneezed and sneezed but it was no use.  I actually shouted, "my brain won't shut up!!!" and then I realized that I hadn't seen Ryan in a long time so I say that I've had a boyfriend for four months and I don't want to have sex with him.  And he just kept offering me more coke.  So I just left.  And then I was living with this woman and she moved into this huge house.  The closet was huge and had a big huge dresser that occupied the whole length of the wall.  Well, the only problem was she wouldn't let me leave.  She made me miss school and I couldn't see my family.  That's all I remember though.

I can't wait until this court thing is over.  I've been trying to keep myself occupied and it's worked but I hate being stressed out and I just want to go to my court case, say my peace, and move on with my life.  I know I have to pay what I owe.  Well, I've been paying everyone else so now I can finally pay them.  But it's still going to take a while and I'm sorry for that but I can only do so much unless I finally got another job and could save up faster.  That babysitting job was perfect and then it fell through which I'm still pissed about cuz I could finally afford my bills but it's not anyone's fault, just something that happened.
I still dunno if I'm gonna take this iPod with me to court so if I don't, the next time you hear from me will be afterwards.  So I'm gonna leave it here with me and I love you and you, Monique, my parents, Beverly, Barry, and even Joe will all be with me in spirit tomorrow.  I need sleep.

Love you,
Rita

11:44pm
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July 30th, 2011
10:33am

Hey Chels!!!!
Wow, what a couple of days.  I had the weirdest dreams, but all I remember is trying to get into a locked room with my friend Emily.  But when we got there, I was too scared to open the door because for one it was behind a curtain and for two it hadn't been opened for a very long time so I was afraid it was going to be stinky and there would be spider webs.  Now I'm wondering what would have happened if I did open the door.  Meh.
So, I was trying to write in the nb yesterday but I was just too exhausted.  I have so much to write about, too.  Yesterday was a really odd day.  Like, I had to take my dad to get his remicade and apparently we weren't in the computer so my dad was worried that he wasn't supposed to be there on that day.  The nurse said even if we weren't scheduled, they would accommodate him because they know him and we had the medicine.  But if it was sooner than 6 weeks, then insurance wouldn't cover it.  But he goes every 7 because he could not last 8 weeks without the medicine.  See, that's the part that people don't get.  Yeah, his stroke hasn't rendered him completely useless, but he will always have these medical problems and need assistance because of that, plus he has aphasia.  I have been his interpreter basically since this whole thing started.  He doesn't need me quite as much as he used to, but he still needs help if we are in a place where he doesn't know anyone and they don't know about his condition.  It's not like he needs immediate care but he does need assistance.  I am not sure when the next evaluation will be but I'm scared that he won't get approved to be in this program anymore.  He has always been borderline, but the person who has worked our case made sure he was approved every time.  I am not exactly sure how to clearly define my job because it's different every day.  But I am always here to make sure everything goes smoothly.  I take the stress off my mom by taking care of things around the house and with my dad.  I just hope that warrants approval.  He will probably never drive again.  And he is too unreliable to get a job.  I mean, this whole year has been one headache after another.  Literally.
I'm sorry to jump subjects so abruptly, but it just popped in my head.  Tomorrow is the anniversary of when my old childhood friend, Tony, passed away.  He had testicular cancer and 2 weeks shy of his 21st birthday.  It's funny, I still remember when his dad passed away. I was a junior in high school.  And now this.  He left behind a mother and a sister.  His sister was always a big bitch to me but he was just really sweet and laid back.  I remember seeing him at Chili's right before I left for Florida.  I was with Brian and my dad.  This was in 2005.  And he just looked awful.  He looked like he had cancer.  But he had a huge smile on his face.  I didn't know he was sick until after he died, but that image just popped into my head.  He died the same year as Joe, 2006.
I cannot believe it's almost August already.  And I also can't believe there are only 3 more months until my 29th birthday.  This is the fastest a year has ever gone for me, especially in light of all the financial shit I've been dealing with.  Oh, just a note.  I have been noticing that with certain words I write on here, it gets auto corrected.  I'm not sure if I caught all of the auto corrects and fixed them, or if some words are different than what they should be.  I think you will be able to figure those ones out, though.  But just to warn you, not sure if I caught all of them.  Lol sorry.  Anyhow, I feel like this will be the best b'day ever.  Well, considering last year was both epic and shitty at the same time, this year will be 100x better.  All my shitty points of last year had to do with Ryan, actually.  Kind of sad that I just now realized this, lol.  At any rate, I still cannot believe that it's almost that time already.  I can only wonder how the month of August is going to go for me.  Already there's the ren fair and Fridays with Monique, paying closer attention to my bills, and hopefully getting closer to finishing nbs.  I think by Labor Day, you and I both will be finished with these.  And onto the next!!  I am so glad to hear that you already have an idea for the next one.  Cuz I don't.  Just maybe going back to the 5 subject notebook.  But not sure what I'm gonna do with it yet.  Maybe the countdown till my birthday and then my birthday wish list and then after that, countdowns to all the other important days.  Like Halloween, Thanksgiving and ur bday, and Barry's b'day, Christmas, New Years and our anniversary.  Not exactly sure when our actual anniversary is, but that was our first kiss so it's the anniversary of something.  That's pretty much all I can think of right now.  Well, I have so much more to write, but I want to start looking for books on cd from a couple of authors I really like that hopefully will have the books I want available on cd.  So I am gonna look and get back to the writing after that.  Love you!

Love,
Rita

11:19am
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12:23pm

Hey lady,
Lol I didn't realize that it has literally been just one hour (and some mins) that I started writing again.  Too funny.  So, the rest of my Thursday was pretty interesting.  Even though court didn't go the way I planned it, I'm sure that it was still okay.  I mean, of course I had to pay that money that I didn't have.  Whoever was looking out for me knew that I would be judged against either way.  Either that or I was stupid enough to believe that I didn't have to pay that money.  So, yeah I wasted a morning, but it made me realize that I am stronger than I give myself credit for.  And at least I tried.  Maybe sometime next month I will go down there again.
So, Thursday night I got to be with Barry.  I was finally feeling better from my yeast infection and period and it had been a while since we got to just hang out.  So, we talked for a bit and then of course, stuff happened.  It was really nice.  Like, depending on the mood he's in, sometimes it will be slow and other times it will be just crazy insane, but it's never bad or boring.  This time, even though it had been a while since we had been together, he took things slow.  I love that, not all grabby and pushy, just kisses and touches everywhere.  Lol I'm not going to go into all the details, but it was very nice.  There were a couple of times when I thought he was falling asleep so after a while I stopped, but mostly because I was getting tired and things were not feeling so good :/.
So after that we just talked for a bit and then I went home.  I would have stayed there but I had to take my dad to his remicade appointment so I didn't.  I didn't get to sleep till at least 3:30am.  And you know the rest, lol.
Alright so Monique was supposed to come over tomorrow but that ended up not happening.  First, there was a problem with the electrician.  And then she was on her way here and forgot her meds so she went back home and when she was on her way again she was having problems with her brakes.  But she kept trying to get me to go over there.  Normally I would have, but I had to stay home until my mom got home.  Plus, I was really tired.  I woke up feeling like I hadn't gotten any sleep and basically walked around feeling like ass all day.  So, there was also this karaoke thing I was invited to that Kendra was catering and I also got a phone call from this guy named Mike (I know, another one) that I haven't hung out with since high school.  He liked me for a day and when I didn't kiss him he stopped flirting with me so I didn't like him anymore, either.  It was a very weird situation.  You know how sometimes you don't want to kiss someone because you don't know where their mouth has been?  Yeah, complete opposite here.  Not only had I known where his mouth had been, it had been with a bunch of my friends and also some people I did not like at all.  Sooooo yeah.  He seemed cool on the phone though, like he had grown up a lot.  So who knows, we might even be real friends.  I'm not betting on it though, men have really been letting me down lately.
And then I wanted to hang out with Barry but I just didn't want to get up.  It's weird, like as soon as my parents met Barry I have felt a lot better about sharing things with them about him.  Not anything he wouldn't want them to know or anything, but I had just told my mom that I wanted to see Barry but I was too tired.
Okay so my mom and I are supposed to go to this party at 4.  But now I dunno if we're actually going.  Because it's almost 3 and I haven't even seen my mom today, much less spoken to her.  So I dunno.  Her car isn't even here but her phone is, which is strange.  I hope she comes back soon.

So, I think I'm gonna get going for now.  I love you!  And will be printing this out soon finally.  I just think this is long enough lol.  Love!

Rita Bo Bita

2:52pm
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Question: What was the most defining moment in your life during this past year?

Answer: I would have to say that there have been quite a lot of defining moments in my life, especially in this past year.  Reconnecting with people I haven't seen since high school, being in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, being smarter about my financial situation, cutting people out of my life that aren't serving me, being able to reunite with you and being able to call you my best friend and sister once again, and meeting Monique.  She has really taught me a lot of things about myself that I think I've always known, but just now beginning to understand.  But my MOST defining moment had to be when I started coming to terms with being molested.  I wrote about it in the NB (the part 1 of this one) and right after I got through writing it I felt like this huge weight has FINALLY been lifted.  And I've never looked back.  Yes, I'm still dealing with the damage that brian did, but I'm not longer beating myself up over the past.  It happened and I'm wiser now and that's pretty much it.  I still spend my money on what I want to and save up what I can, after giving money to people that I owe.  I have come a long way in this past year and by the time my 29th birthday rolls around I predict good things for both of us.