12:40am
Hey Chels,
Ahh, just getting back from Barry's house. He needed a break from his work so I basically just said, "okay, we are going for a walk and I'm coming over in 2 mins." We actually didn't get to the whole walking thing until about an hour after I got there. But we had a nice walk and then snuggled a bit, and then I had to go. I could have fallen asleep right there but he had a whole bunch of stuff to get done for work. Ugh, it seems like I've been writing so much about the past that I forget about now but really, not much is going on. I hope you are soaking everything in. I've decided what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another 3 subject nb and use the last subject for my book reviews ONLY. I will do videos when I feel inspired, but mostly it's gonna be writing. I still want to do tarot readings for my Vlogs so, I think I will do a lot from those. Just record my sessions, apparently. Maybe I will try it out tomorrow.
Anyhow, I am going to get going for now. I want to snuggle in and watching some Degrassi, maybe read before I pass out.
<3,
Me
P.S. If I don't start or end a letter with a greeting, it means it's all one story. Time stamps are to show when I took breaks.
1:06am
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April 14th, 2011
1:01pm
Hey lady!
Holy crap I am almost done with this thing already and it's only the second week of April. Today I am gonna try and get my dad outside for a bit and tonight I get to walk Killer. I actually really enjoy going for walks with Killer on my own; we go to the park and I listen to Jay and Silent Bob while he runs around and tires himself out. And even though it's nighttime I feel safe because Killer is a big dog. He is very friendly and wouldn't hurt anyone but strangers don't know that.
And then tomorrow I'm seeing Alex. I figure while I have "time off," I may as well use it wisely.
Okay so.. I have to:
*Pay off my car
*Pay phone bill
*get upgraded phone
*pay car insurance
*pay health insurance
All before paying for my massage prep.com. But in all honesty, I don't want it to go any longer than the summer before I start studying again.
Alright so, where did I leave off? Oh yeah, the first visit. He told me he loved me after the first time we had sex and after the second time asked me to be his girlfriend. It took me a couple days to say it back because I just couldn't get the words out. On my last visit we had a huge talk about this and he got so pissed at me. Excuse me, but I've been saying "I love you" to someone else for 5 years. You can't just expect me to be ready to say it to you in 6 months.
When I had that conversation with Barry about the whole "I love you" thing, it really made me feel better that he was okay with waiting to say it. There are times when I'm thinking of saying it but I know it's too early. This time around I'm taking my time.
Anyhow, the rest of the first visit was amazing. He said he just wanted to be honest with me and he didn't want to hurt me. I didn't marry Brian because he kept pushing me to get married. Right before we broke up we had a huge screaming fight about it. He was talking about it with this girl at work who could hook everything up on the cheap but we had to get married down here. He's like, "Why are we waiting? Why are you not doing anything?" I just kept saying over and over that I wasn't getting married without my family there. It was like -- ever since he put that ring on my finger, something inside him snapped. Suddenly he was acting more and more like a teenager and I was the mommy who wouldn't let him do whatever he wanted. He didn't want a partner. He wanted someone who couldn't leave. Kind of like David.
I went for Ryan because he was the complete opposite. He didn't want to get married at all. As far as I could tell, he wanted to take care of me. But there was always something fishy. After about 4 months of dating, he started asking me when I was going to come back down to live. He wanted me down there but I felt like it was way too soon to move in. And then my cousin died and suddenly my world changed. I couldn't leave Maddy and Chloe alone again. Kathy was like the mother that Maddy never had (her own mother is just not there mentally), and I felt like my place was here. Plus, my friend Alex and my dad's caregiver, Kendra, also gave birth within a month from each other (this was in '09).
My next trip was supposed to be in August but Ryan had a wedding to go to in New York so I ended up driving down there myself in September. He had told me he ended up kissing someone at that wedding and he felt really bad about it but he sort of got pissed at me for not being MORE mad. It reminded me of when Mike would get pissed that I wasn't jealous. He had this one girl calling him up at his sister's house when I was there visiting! And I didn't get mad. But omg it was such a crime to be livid when I saw a conversation in which he asked some girl to marry him. Hello!!!!! I just think all these stupid alcoholics are all the same. Just STUPID! That was when Ryan said that thing about if it was nothing of course he'd tell me. If it was something, he wouldn't. What kind of logic is that? Why would you tell someone something they didn't need to know and then keep the important shit to yourself?
Things started getting bad in April 2010. I was at a concert with my cousin and on the way home he said things were bad with us and we needed to talk. I should have just let him go right then, but we talked things out and the next month he was asking what I would say if he asked me to marry him and I said "yes," but in the months that followed, things just kept getting worse. He would be so nice and then such an asshole. Every time I thought about breaking up with him he'd do something that made me think he still cared about me.
I know I should have had the strength to leave him when it first started happening. He was already so hypercritical that if I woke up late I was afraid he would give me shit about it so I stopped texting him until he would text me asking if I was dead.
I now know that this whole relationship was a step back for me. When I was dating Brian and things got really bad, I had this thought in my mind that I'm not this person who he thinks I am. I've changed a lot. For one I've stopped trying to fix people since all that does is blow up in my face. I've stopped not letting people in because I was afraid to -- I actually enjoy getting to know new people now. And I'm not this difficult person who can't accept true emotions and help when I actually need it. I'm not sure who Brian fell in love with. Maybe he saw some vulnerable girl who was just as fucked up as he was. Or maybe he thought he could get something out of me. But what?
So, what did Ryan want from me? I'm still trying to figure that one out. But when I stayed with him even when he was going on and on about my body, I felt like I was helpless again. If he wanted some stick figure with no stomach and whatever else that wasn't me, why even bother with me? I actually think I might do a tarot spread one of these days about it cuz I sure as fuck am not going to get an answer out of him. All I know is, no one else is going to tolerate him the way I did. The only thing he has going for him is he's decent in bed. But that's not gonna get him anywhere.
Never again will I put up with this, if anyone I'm with says anything about me that I don't like then I'm gone. I mean, hypocritical. The part I absolutely LOVED about Ryan was how he could get so down on me about not exercising and then go to the patio to smoke. I should have been like, "you want to see me exercise? Watch me pack my shit and leave." And then packed my shit up and left.
Well, I think I'm pretty much done with this story so far. This whole thing has just burnt me out.
2:11pm
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