Hey sweets,
It's a little after 12 and I'm gonna go to sleep soon but I wanted to write beforehand. So, after I wrote in here I organized all my notebooks and tomorrow I am organizing my pictures. And I was thinking about something. I think we should do our next notebook like a magazine or newsletter or something. We don't have to do it all like that, but when we read something interesting in the newspaper or in a magazine we should cut it out and put it in here. We can add poems, pictures, song lyrics, and just about anything we want to. You don't have to put it in any kind of order either. Just when the mood strikes you, write something. I want to give us time to find things that we like and if you want to, just cut out stuff and I'll put it in myself. Good idea? I have so many different notebooks and I was going through them today going, "wow I never do anything to these notebooks they're just sitting here." So I decided to just do them when I feel like. It also saves on paper by not always having to buy a new notebook everytime I want to try something. It's still my goal to fill up an entire bookcase with notebooks. I still have a LOT of work to do. But I have the rest of my life to make it my goal.
So...I like those stories about you and your dad. That one where he took you in the hot air balloon was my favorite. My dad and I never went boating, but we did drive around a lot. When I was 16-17 I had to practice driving. Where I am from, in Elgin, there is the city and then the country. My dad would let me practice driving through the countryside. Before I graduate high school I had plans to go to Northern, the college my mom graduated from. My dad would let me drive over there and we'd go to truck stops along the way and have lunch. When I was younger, like 12 or 13, my dad and I had a strained relationship. But as I got older we got a lot closer. So it was good to be out on the open road, just me and my dad, hanging out.
Dads are the strangest creatures. Especially when girls get older. I don't think D will be that way because he was so young when he had W. But I guess when guys get older they realized that the same girls they fantasize about were at one time as old as the daughters they have. You know what I mean?
Well girl, Imma go to bed now.
Love you!
R bo b
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September 28th, 2007
sometime around 11am
Today is a 2 coffee kind of day. This totally sucks ass. I was having the weirdest dream and first the cat wakes me up. Then I hear my alarm clock for my phone out in the living room going off. I go out to turn my phone off and R tells me that they just turned the power off. I'm thinking, "fuck the water is next." So when I get my mail I'm paying the water today. R is being so nice about it but I'm sure he's thinking, "damn I'm living with idiots who can't pay their bills on time." I hope he's not thinking that. But sometimes you just never know. And B's all over here snoring away, oblivious to the situation.
So--this was my dream. I dreamt that it was me and a few other people who survived the storm. We were all in one house. Then we saw sunlight but we didn't know who or what else was out there so we did some tests and found other survivors. I was in a pond and this girl had turtles and there was this really teeny tiny one. I was swimming with it. And then I thought we should go look for stuff in people's houses. And then the stupid cat woke me up. Man, I wish I could go back to sleep. But what's the point when I'm already awake? Hold on I'm gonna get comfy. Okay that's better. Man, my canker sores hurt. It's been a while since they haven't gone away.
Anyways--there were some things you wrote about that I wanted to share with you, but actually it ties in with a tremendously loooooong story. So I'm going to prepare myself for it. I hope it's okay that I share this story with you. I just get a little crazy sometimes with the story telling. So I hope that you have a quiet place to sit where you won't get distracted. Because of all my stories, this one I think takes the cake.
Oh before I tell the story, I want to comment on your ex, D. He sounds like an extremely creepy fellow. Now that you're more grown up, you know what it's like for people to be crazy. It sounds like he has incredibly low self esteem and at the time he thought that it was what you wanted. "Women LOVE creepy." or something like that. He is either one of 2 things now.
1) he's either grown out of that stage
2) dead
Or he is a serial killer or something. So 1 of 3 things.
Okay--enough stalling. But I'm gonna warn you again. This is incredibly long and drawn out. But it all ties in together.
SO this is my 9/11/01 story. And a bunch of other stories put in.
So... on December 19th, 1997 I met J. See, it was the longest night of the year and the last time I would see my gramma alive. She was in the hospital because she had cirrhosis of the liver. It's when the body produces way too much iron. Her insides were slowly decaying. It was really hard to see her go through all that. We had started coming up to see her every weekend and she would get goofy. She would start to sing songs that meant nothing and bump into things. Her skin was also getting really bad.
Sometimes I wish we had never sold that house in Park Ridge. My dad, aunt and uncle had spent most of their childhood there and I loved going there. It wasn't a big house. But it was beautiful and had charming nooks and crannies everywhere. And it felt so peaceful. Plus, I had grown up in that house as well.
Anyways, I had made plans with J that I was going to spend the night at her house after I got back from seeing my gramma. So my dad drove me over there. Well, she was on the phone with this guy named J (a guy she had met in a Q101 chatroom a few months before). I'm sure she had a huge crush on him but he just kind of brushed it off. Well, he had his friend P over. And there were times when she would hand me the phone and it would be P instead of J. Big meanies!
So, the years went by or whatever. My gramma died on Christmas of '97 and her house was sold because nobody wanted to buy it for themselves. But I think it's better that way. We all have our memories.
Well, my junior year went by and J wasn't talking to me anymore but J was. so we would talk on the phone for like a couple hours at a time. It was fun though because he is a very fun guy to talk to.
So, my junior year is also when I met J. Fast forward to the summer of 2001. She sees me graduate. Then something happens. Right before we are supposed to go on vacation to Door County, B breaks up with her. I think I got more involved than I should have. But he was a little bitch anyways. So the next time I see her (she got to go with me to DC) I could tell something was different. And after she left, she didn't want to talk to me anymore. At first I was like, "what the hell?" And she kept telling me that we weren't married. I'm like, "um I know that." Sheesh now I think you know why I have problems trusting women. Because they act all crazy.
So... fast forward to Sept 11th, 2001. I had already been on vacation in August. It's where I met D and K at Leadership Quest.
Okay so it's Tuesday. I'm in college at ECC. I don't have a boyfriend and J still isn't talking to me. It's early in the morning and the phone rings. I hear my mom answer it and she is not a morning person so she just told J to call her back. Five minutes later the phone rings again and J says, "A plane crashed into the Pentagon." And my mom tells her to stop making shit up and hangs up on her. Then J calls a 3rd time and my mom says, "Listen. I had a long night and I don't want to be bothered so fuck you." Then my dad calls her and tells her and she's like, "Oh shit I have to call J." And then she calls her and says she's sorry but then J says, "Now I'M the one who gets to say 'fuck you'" and hangs up. At this time my mom comes in to wake me up but I'm already away because of all the calling and yelling. I try to avoid the TV like the plague. I go to school and everyone is scared. We just talk to each other all day between classes. Everyone is sad and we're all hugging each other and watching the news. But I refuse to watch it. I caught glimpses of it but I never watched the whole thing. But I started making a scrapbook. And I stopped eating. I was peeing 50 times a day and I couldn't sleep. I also couldn't cry. I still can't. It was like -- for me -- I didn't care who did it or why. I knew the only thing the media would tell us is lies so I refused to listen. I did write a poem and it got published in my mom's newspaper. I just feel like it doesn't matter who did it or why they did it. There were pregnant women and small children on those planes. It doesn't matter what God you pray to. God is God. And God has never said to kill anyone. In biblical times Christians used to declare war "In the name of God." But God never tells anyone to go to war. He tells us to turn the other cheek and to love one another as we love ourselves. I don't see people in races. A person is a person. They knew what they were doing and they were not of God by taking all those peoples' lives as well as their own.
But it wasn't just the people in the air that lost their lives. Everyone in those buildings either jumped out the window or caught on fire or something. Not to mention every single person brave enough to try and help.
I mean that is how I felt about it 6 years ago and I still feel this way about it now. And I don't need the media throwing it in my face for all eternity. (sorry I got on a little tangent there).
So, I got home from school and J calls me. She's like, "I just wanted to know if you're okay." And I'm like, "yeah, I'm fine thanks." And I hung up. I had found out from A that J was talking to this girl out in Australia named A. Apparently, J had discovered that she was gay and instead of telling me she flipped out over a guy that treated her like shit anyways. Like... I had asked her if she loved him (this was before they broke up) and she said she didn't know. I'm like, "why are you telling some guy you love him if you don't know?" And she said she didn't know. Then I told her to talk to him about it so she did and 2 weeks later he dumped her. I wasn't being malicious, but from all the things she was telling me about him it sounded like he was scum. And whenever he would do something sexual to her she would always tell me it was not what she wanted. So what was I supposed to think?
But after all that happened I found out that she was all into that stuff (it was mainly just foreplay). I'm just like -- if she had told me she didn't have a problem with it I would have just left it alone. Why would she make it seem like it's a big deal for my benefit? And I was friends with this girl for a year and a half. I was just looking out for her well being. But I am still human.
So anyways, she started talking to A's friend A and she wasn't pissed off at me anymore so I asked if I could still go to her house for Christmas break. Oh--rewind.
On September 20th, 2001, J's college was having a speaker come talk about Sept 11th so I told J I would be there and I invited my cousin because she likes to hear speakers. So I met him. It was pretty cool. We talked for a really long time. We're still friends but I haven't heard from him since I got an IM from him a few months ago telling me that his mom died. He had the coolest mom on the planet. She and I were actually good friends. I miss her very much :(.
Oh and on September 26th I met N in person. We had been talking online for a couple months. Brb. Okay.
N was a really cool person to talk to. And I really enjoyed hanging out with him. When I met him I was working at Meijer and we had this work meeting at the movie theater. I went straight from school to the meeting to meet him. I got lost and ended up at some park. He finally found me and we ended up talking until it got late. We just hugged each other and I got home. It was like one of those instant connection thingys. The 3rd time we met we decided to see a movie together. After that we went to dinner and he asked me what I wanted and I told him that I wanted him as my boyfriend and he told me that he wanted me as a girlfriend. After dinner we got in his car and he asked me if he could kiss me. It was just a peck but I thought it was cute. That was until I realized he didn't know how to kiss. I guess no one had ever taught him.
Our first date, I thought, was really cute. He asked me where I wanted to go and I told him Chicago. So we drove out there and we were walking around and we kept bumping into each other. Then we were crossing the street and he put his arm around me.
I think I liked that he was so innocent. It made me feel better because I didn't have that much experience either. But as cute as everything was in the beginning, I think he was upset because all we were doing was making out. well, I think he wanted more but he was too chicken to say anything, but he wasn't too chicken to let his hormones do the talking. Like he would have rather groped me than talk to me about having sex.
I think that is what killed our relationship. As magical as everything was in the beginning, once he learned how to kiss it was all over. Well it took a few months but you know what I mean.
I still remember this one time that was the most romantic thing i was a part of. This one day he took me to a dock and it was night time. It was so beautiful being that close to the water. See... he lives up north from me, like half an hour away from my aunt in Wisconsin. So everything around him is all water and boating stuff. So the place he took me to was a dock with a lighthouse like right there. Well, we stayed there for a while and then it started raining. Which sucked so we had to move it. When we were about halfway from the end it started to downpour so we had to hold onto each other so the other wouldn't slip and fall. Well, we finally made it to the car and sure enough by THAT time it had stopped raining. Lol.
Man... it is a little before 12:30pm and I still don't have power. This blows. I'm gonna try to read for a bit.
<3,
me
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*a little while later*
Hi!
I just got finished reading the notebook. And I think it's a great idea. It's what I wanted in the beginning but you were having a hard time so I decided we should both try to write at least 10 pages because that tells the other person what was going on during that time that they had the notebook. But now that you are doing a lot better and we see each other more, I don't think it will be a problem. I enjoy telling you my tales. It's fun to remember how things happened and write it down for someone else.
I appreciate everything you did for me while I was having a hard time with B. Things are getting better now, I think I'm trusting him again, but there is still this part of me that doesn't know if she wants to get married anymore.
So--you will write as much as you want and decorate whatever you feel like decorating and I will do the same and we'll trade off. I like that plan. :).
Man, I really miss you. But I don't have the energy to come see you. Maybe next week. I am really excited because R is giving us money to pay everything with so when I feel better i want to get a couple pictures developed and bring it over. I miss seeing you online. I wish I felt better. Poop.
Well, I think I'm gonna lay down and try to take a nap. Gosh it's almost 1:30 already. This blows.
<3,
me
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