September 25th, 2007
Good morning sunshine!
(Or afternoon, whatever). Lol. This cat just jumped on the notebook again. The first time it happened it was cute. Now every time I write the cat is over here! Right now she's laying on top of it. Lol.
Well, I haven't gotten through anymore of the notebook yet. I just want to take my time. I feel like if I read all of it at once there will be parts that I miss.
So, yesterday was interesting. They put me upstairs right next to the upstairs poker room. I could hear E talking to these 2 girls. I couldn't hear all of what they were saying because it was too loud but I could hear him say, "she's just mad at me because..." It's like--hello when is she NOT mad at you?
So, I guess things are getting better with B and I. I have calmed down a lot and I've been letting him in more. I still don't fully trust him but I'm better off than I was before. So I don't think I'm gonna go just yet. But I still don't know about marriage. Okay, I'm gonna go read some more of the notebook. Ugh B is annoying me! Every time he moves around the bed moves. And he keeps touching me while I'm trying to write.
<3,
me
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I got up to pages 36-37. Oh my gosh, girl! I remember you talking about S, but I didn't realize she had all that on her plate. But I guess it explains a lot. You know, that girl J that did a lot of bad things to me when we were younger is on my myspace. But we don't talk about the past at all. So either she doesn't remember or she's just embarrassed. I think what happened with your friend was that she didn't want to be teased for being friends with you. Maybe now she remembers it but she doesn't think you do or she's really embarrassed about it. But one day when you're REALLY curious, just ask her.
Wow, it seems like high school was really awful for you. Whoever said that those are really the best years of a person's life is full of crap. Because everyone is so self conscious, everyone's hormones are all crazy and all anyone cares about is fitting in. Yeah, I WANTED to fit in, but I knew I was never going to. It didn't matter who my friends were. Every year someone would try and start shit with me. The only year that didn't happen was my freshman year but that was because I went to a different school.
Man,I remember when I was in 8th grade I had an interview to get into the Streamwood academy. The day they came in I was on my period and man was I sick. I was in History 5th period and I sat by my friend M and she just told me to lay down and not worry about class. And by 6th hour science class I could not take it anymore. I just waited in the office for my mom to pick me up. Man that sucked, lol.
So in my sophomore year of high school J and I had a notebook. And one time I got a letter from her that read: "an unknown sorce told me that last year you told me I was fat." Oh and did I mention that J, J and D were obsessed with my girl, A? I don't know what happened but all they would talk about was her and then J wrote me that note. For about a week and a half nobody would talk to me. I was just like, Wtf is going on with these people? We eventually made up, but I never did figure out who told her or if she just made that shit up to see what I would say.
Then junior year came around. By then I was sick of being depressed all the time so I just decided to be more open and smile at people more. The whole summer before my junior year I heard from J through emails. Then something weird happened. It was our first day of Junior year. I walked to school with J and D. We walk in and we find J. She says hi to them and hugs them and doesn't say one fucking word to me. And that was it. All that shit we had been through since 7th grade didn't mean shit to her. At first I was devastated. I would write her letters saying, "what is going on?" and I'd get nothing. Then this one time she got pictures done and she wrote on the back "I'm sorry I've been so busy."
You know what her excuse was for blowing me off? She said I treated her like a child and she has other friends and she doesn't have time for me anymore. I was blown away by that because it came without warning. We were buddies. We hung out and had sleep overs. Her other friends were all smokers and drinkers so she felt like she would rather be with them and I would be too judgmental. But we had been through so much and shared so much together. The least she could do was take me out to lunch and talk to me about what she was going through. We talked online and had a huge fight and I got kicked off. By the time I came back she was gone and that was it. We didn't talk again for the next year when D's brother died. She was telling me about the funeral. Then the next year J and D decided not to be friends with me anymore. D's reason was that I was always too tired to hang out with them. Um. When I was a sophomore in high school I got asthma and I started coughing and didn't stop for 3 months. But did they ever come to visit me when I was sick? No. When I got sexually assaulted I guess I changed and pushed everyone away for a while and I guess they couldn't handle it. well excuse me for being human. Sometimes I wish we could all still be friends like we used to be. But I got some pretty kick ass friends now.
Wow. I'm watching America's Next Top Model and this girl got a phone call telling her that a friend of hers died from an overdose. What the hell is going on with people? First your friend, now this.
Okay. SO while reading what I've read so far I have some things I want to write about. But I need to take a break so my hand doesn't fall off.
<3,
me
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sept 25th
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Yep it's still the same day. I feel like complete shit but I still wanted to write. Woo hoo 12 pages! I rock. Lol. Anyways, after I got finished writing you I laid down and the cat came up on the bed. He (apparently the cat is a boy that's been neutered) kept laying on B and B wasn't too happy with that so I put him underneath the blankey to keep him warm and the little cutie fell asleep!
Ugh I gotta lady down. I love you sweetheart.
<3,
me
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