November 24th, 2012

November 24th, 2012
12:49am

Hey Chels,
What up! My weekend of trying to get as much typing done is coming to a close, as I'm going back to studying on Monday. I am going to do 2 hours of studying per day, then my goal is to type 30 pages a day. Or as much as I can get done. These next few days are going to be busy though. Tomorrow I have an eye doctor appointment because I haven't had my eyes checked in a very long time and then tomorrow night I have my writing group. So I need to make sure I have both my stories on my iPod so I can access them. Then Sunday I have a post thanksgiving dinner party that my mom and I go to every year. Then Monday I have a meeting for the vagina monologue play, then Wednesday I have my tarot group and I want to be a little bit farther than I am now. I also have to pay my car insurance, get a ticket to go see a band in March (a friend of mine that I met on the goddess retreat wants to see them so I said I would go with), and get my $50 money order. The good news is I'm almost done paying them and when I'm finally done with them I'm gonna see what else I can start paying off. I haven't gotten any notices for anything in a long time... Maybe they just gave up? Pfft yeah I'm not that lucky.

So... Here's what I've decided about Larry. I'm going to wait until he's in the mood to talk again (we talk almost everyday but since that flu shot and everything it hasn't been as flirty as normal) and if he talks about wanting to see me that's when I'll tell him. And explain to him that I'm not trying to give him an ultimatum or trap him into a situation he doesn't want to be in. But if we're going to continue to sleep together I would like to know where he wants this thing to go. Because as much as I would love to just have sex with him, I think I deserve better than that. I mean, if he doesn't want to be with me like that that's fine, we can go back to just being friends. I just want to know that whatever is happening with us is headed somewhere, you know?  Honestly... I think we would make a great team. He is one of my best friends and I know that above all else he would just want me to be happy. I can just see us being together and it makes me happy because being with him feels right to me. We don't even have to be doing anything, I just love being around him. And I think we would be amazing together. Plus I know that he likes his freedom as much as I do so he wouldn't be up my butt all the time, although I've said this about Barry as well. But that relationship was doomed from the beginning. All I want from Larry is to know either way if he thinks it would be okay to talk about taking the next step, or just attempting to just be friends.

Aside from this though, I am enjoying being on my own. As much as I liked James, it's nice to be able to make plans with nobody else in mind but me. And I can just focus on things that make me happy and I don't have to hide myself from anyone or worry about them or make excuses. I haven't known freedom like this since before I started dating. If I could have told my younger self what to look out for, maybe I would have a different dating record. For one, I can't believe I dated Ryan Brennan. Your Ryan. To this day I just can't wrap my head around it. And then after him I dated a heroin addict. If someone told me that would happen I would say eff off. It's not that I'm snobbish or anything, I just never thought that kind of thing would ever happen to me. And then to date not only 1 but 3 alcoholics?!?  In a row?? It's no wonder why I'm okay with being on my own. The next person I give my heart to, whether it be Larry or someone different, better be spectacular. And the moment it happens he better know what he's got when he has me and not let me go over something stupid.

Anyway, I'm gonna get some sleep for now. I'm really exhausted and apparently I have a fun weekend ahead of me. I love you so much!!

Love,
Me

1:16am
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a poem from 7/20/2008:
a butterfly world

she woke in the morning
her old life was gone;
she started anew
each day is a new chance
to mess up, to make up, to live,
to explore new worlds
she dreamed of her journey
from a caterpillar, munching away on leaves and bark
to a cocoon of lies and deceit, blocking out all the good in the world
until she finally opened her eyes and emerged
a beautiful butterfly
ready to live again.

the end

November 21st, 2012

November 21st, 2012
1:17am

Hey Chels,
Phew what a day. I slept like shit because I was still so pissed over James and then I hung out with my friend, Mark who asked me out again. Ugh. First off... With James.. This is so stupid. He basically said that he thought I was joking. So yeah that whole thing pisses me off. Yet he can't understand why that would piss me off. I ask you to be my boyfriend and you turn me down and you can't understand why that would piss me off??? Ugh. I hope he never texts me again. Fuck him. And as for Mark, yes I like him. Do I like him like him? No. I feel like going on a real date would be leading him on. We can hang out as friends or whatever but that's all he's getting from me and if he can't accept that then oh well. And then there's Larry. I'm not sure when we will see each other again. But the next time we do see each other, I'm going to have to talk to him. I just feel like if we're going to be intimate, we both have to feel like it's headed somewhere besides just being friends. He knows how I feel about him and I will probably always have that soft spot in my heart for him but if we are just going to be friends I can't continue sleeping with him. Now, I'm not saying that the next time we sleep together he HAS to be my boyfriend. But I can't keep just sleeping with him and then nothing else. Either he's my friend or on the road to becoming more than that but we can't just be friends and have sex. I'm not okay with that. But... Hopefully I don't have to have that conversation yet. I don't want him to feel trapped or have him feel like he has to be my boyfriend just because he doesn't want to stop sleeping with me. I just think it's reasonable to put those feelings out there. Like, "just so you know, if we're going to be sleeping together, I would like to know that it's at least going somewhere besides just friendship. Cuz I'm okay with either but I can't just be friends with you and sleep with you." and if he can't respect how I feel then... Too bad for him.

I wrote you a letter tonight but I just wanted to say I am so so sorry to hear about you and Brian. I know the decision must have been hard but you know, you weren't happy for a while. On the surface things were great but there was a lot that was wrong and you couldn't take it anymore. You deserve happiness, Chels. You just need to believe it for yourself. You need to tell yourself everyday that you are worth the effort. I know it probably wasn't so much something that he did but it was a decision based on something you weren't happy with. I just wish I could be there for you. I'm glad Jess was.

So, tomorrow is going to be a very exciting day. I'm gonna wake up and dance, then I want to clean out my closet because I'm sick of not being able to use any of the cabinets due to the overflow of crap, I want to make a vlog for you and work on finishing up typing. I have 562 pages left and if I want to finish by Christmas I need to bust my ass. So I'm going to give myself the rest of this week to do nothing but that, then Monday start focusing on studying again. I know I'm not going to get 572 pages typed up in 5 days but it will put a huge dent in things if I could just start typing and really crack down until I feel like I've done enough.
With my closet, I'm sick of how everything is still a mess. I need to give some stuff away. I need to go through everything and keep what I want and let go of stuff I don't need anymore. On a side note, I might just utilize the space in my mom's closet or dad's to put stuff away that I'm not using so my closet will be cleaner, lol. I'm just sick of looking at it.

I also figured out what I'm going to do about all my notebooks. I'm going to go through all of the ones I have finished and then finish up the ones I still have to finish. Then I'm going to start typing them up so I can edit them the way I want and then scan the pages that have pictures or that I don't feel like typing out. Although... Those might not be so bad or I might not feel like I have to do those. Anyway, I'm going to find a space in my closet to put the actual notebooks and maybe even wrap them individually until I can find a box big enough to fit them. And then ours I will send you the originals. I think with the book that I made in your name, I am going to finish it out by putting your letters (that I've typed because the originals are staying in your box), pictures of our trip and poems in there to finish it out.  I really can't think of a better way to wrap up that story than to put our pictures in plus poems. Maybe not even the letters. I have to go through it and organize everything but... I have to finish the book somehow. I think I'm going to copy my favorite pictures like I did with them for the other notebook, but I'm going to use the color printer. Might be more expensive but I don't care. I dunno. I'll figure it out. I really don't know what else I could use it for considering I made this journal and wrote out our story when i was pissed at you but by the time I had finished we were talking again. But I can't just leave the whole rest of the book blank. So... Maybe just using the pictures from the trip last year and adding poems you've written and putting in my own will help finish it out. For all I know, tomorrow can be an organizing notebook day and figuring out how many journals/notebooks I have and deciding what order they should go in and then finishing up/organizing the ones that still need to be finished. I think I could do that. It's just something I have to do for myself. I want to get this nb project underway and I want to feel like I can see where it's going and quite possibly cleaning out my closet will help me figure that out.

In any case, it is now 2am and I've blabbed about this for way too long now. So I will get some sleep and hopefully see what I'm up for doing tomorrow. I love you and I'm praying for you.

Love,
Rita

2:01am
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Marked

--------

So, I'm a little farther into this book. I didn't know what to think about it at first so I didn't give it much of a chance, but once you get past the set up it's really good. So, this girl has a full Mark on her head which apparently you're not supposed to get until after you fully complete the change. The school and the whole vampyre way of life revolves around this goddess named Nyx. And the Zoey caught this girl giving head to some guy but he was turning her down and locked eyes with Zoey. Apparently that girl is involved in some vampyre secret sorority and her name is Aphrodite. I want to get a little farther before explaining things again but so far I like what I'm reading. I can't wait to finish it.

November 6th, 2012

-------------------

I just finished this book and all I can say is wow. I wasn't sure about it at first but I ended up loving it. So this girl, Zoey, is supposed to be just a fledgling vampyre like everyone else but she is at high priestess status already. She found out that Aphrodite was using someone as a "refrigerator" for her rituals, meaning one of the other student's blood was used mixed in with the wine. Zoey craved the blood but it also made her sick to think that she would crave it. I don't want to give too much away but I thought it was crazy when I read something that reminded me of one of the stories I'm writing. Zoey's mentor, Neferet, had a mother who died and her father made her take her Mother's place. It wasn't long after that that she herself came to the school and lived through the Change.

So, Zoey does this purification ritual to clear herself and get some guidance as to what to do about aphrodite. She gets this strong intuition that she needed to go to Aphrodite's Samhain ritual so she did and her friends wanted to come with her but she wouldn't let them. So, she's at this gazebo and Aphrodite starts the ritual and does it wrong. So when Zoey's ex-boyfriend shows up, the ghosts start attacking him but Zoey takes over the circle and calls the corners and closes the circle so the ghosts have to go back where they came from. After she does that, she gets this tattoo thing around her eyes and all around her neck, shoulders and back. Aphrodite is pissed that it didn't happen to her and Zoey gets to become the new leader of the Dark Daughters.

Can't wait for the next one but I got a few more books to read first!

November 19th, 2012

November 19th, 2012
11:34pm

Hey Chels!
My my what a day. I got some studying done, did some tarot card stuff, went to the library and had an all around relaxing day. I started my very first dancing morning!! It was so much fun but I wanted to learn some new dance moves so I got some hip hop dance DVDs from the library. I also got this book about Paris Hilton which I will be making fun in future vlogs, lol.

So.. I spoke to James tonight. And of course it depressed me. He told me I lied so he's just going to get his comic books. Ugh. The whole conversation was just depressing. He called me sadistic and apparently I like to torture men. And he thought I was joking when I asked him to be my boyfriend, apparently I didn't ask at the right time. Well, slap my ass sideways. I didn't fucking know there was a right and wrong time to ask someone that
kind of direct question. And he didn't give an answer that a person would give if they were joking and he definitely wasn't joking when he told me not to get serious. So what the fuck am I supposed to think? I might have given up easily but he's the one who played around with my feelings and won't stop bringing it up. Yet I'm the one torturing him. You know what? He can get his own damn comic books. He's such a nice guy that he just hurt me for no fucking reason. At least it's been a month and I can deal with it better. At least now maybe he can really just leave me alone. I'm done bringing this up. I'm done talking about it. I'm done having this same fight over and over again. It's not my fault he messed up and I bowed out. I guess he realized I was the only girl who would make time for him and hang out with him and actually care about him. I know you didn't like him and I could see why. He had already messed up a couple of times enough to upset me prior to that. He doesn't even understand what it took me to go meet him in the first place. He should have just appreciated me when he had me. It's not even like I hate him or anything because I don't. I'm just sick of having this same conversation. And he can choose not to believe me just because he never called the post office himself or went to the house the package was delivered to. Obviously because if he did then he would have found out what happened to his stuff and possibly could have gotten it back. I'm not gonna go out of my way for someone who just expects me to do everything just because he's pissed at me. He needs to just get over it and move on with his life. I'm finally adjusting to being on my own again. I mean there's Larry but not much is happening over there which is fine. He's really the only person I would even remotely consider being with at this point unless someone better than him came along and I highly doubt that would happen, unless Steve moved here lol. But it does not look like that will be happening :(.

Anywho... Boys suck. I'm done with the whole lot of them, lol. I love you!

11:59
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November 19th
This dream was pretty sad. I had a dream about Cory. Not korey who ended up being psycho, but Cory who I met in Montana on that mission trip. He drove all the way to my house and I had no idea he was coming. We talked and kissed and more. We were going to go out but as we were getting into his pick up truck, Geoff pulled up because I guess he wanted to hang out as well. So then we all pile up in the truck and all of a sudden there's two more people. Like where in the hell did they come from? So, apparently we are looking for some snow to play around with but everywhere we look there's nothing. So we are at this park and Cory just disappears on me. I run into some friends who distract me for a while until I go into this building and I find him. I don't have to ask where he's been because I see a huge cake and a girl in a wedding dress standing right by him. He doesn't even act surprised. He just acts like I should be happy for him. So I run out of the building and I find my friend Emily trying to get rid of snow so she sweeps it underneath her house which is shaped like a tee pee and there's water, like a creek. She and someone else jump on a square thing and disappear so I try the same thing and of course freak out. But I get outside and Cory is looking for me. There is this sidewalk where everyone is moved to the side to let this lady by who is jogging and I just bump right into her. I find Cory walking along the path and I stare him down. I start freaking out on him that we finally had sex and he's married!?!?! He didn't really say anything to try and defend himself. Then there were these rabid dog things that looked like foxes or something and I tried floating up to avoid them but they would jump and try and bite me. I have no idea what those things were or why they were in my dream.