September 17th, 2008

September 17th, 2008
3:39pm

So, this week has been interesting, to say the least. I haven't heard from Mike at all but it's not completely horrible.  I texted him today a couple hours ago but I haven't heard back so I think he's just busy.  Either that or he got what he wanted out of me and he's finished.  {somehwere in the middle... he didn't get exactly what he wanted out of me so he's finished.  LAME ASS!!!!!  11/3/2013}. Whatever--I like that he's definitely interested but I wish we could just slow it down a little and get to know each other.  At least with Ryan he took things a little slow, albeit we only met 4 times but still.  The first night we met neither of us expected anything and at least there was some calmness to it.  I'm not saying what happened with Mike was completely horrible because it wasn't.  I'm glad he's actually leaving me alone and not trying to mark his territory.  Maybe he's thinking of stuff too and just trying to be a man about it. Well... Mike isn't a bad guy a little too over sexed but that's not a problem.

I had a very interesting text session with Ryan last night. At first he asked me if I was getting any action up here and I told him about Mike and he's like, "wow that's fast.". And I was like, "ummmm excuse me I didn't say anything about sex." And he even said so himself that he was a bit of a slut after I left. At least I waited a couple of weeks. Lol. Anyways... we kinda... sex texted. He had been saying all along "no phone sex" but I guess he kinda got over it. It was nice. At first it was like a trip down memory lane but then we kinda made up the rest. Sometimes I wish we just went all the way I mean... what was stopping us ? What was stopping me? I already spent the night with him. Oh well though... the rest was memory enough. You know... Margarita really pissed me off.  She told me the story of how she and Frank got together and how she doesn't even know for sure if her 4th kid is her exhusband's, but when the truth came out about what I did, she acted like I was a slut. She told me she had been on both sides of the situation, but when given the opportunity to cheat, she didn't. But a lot of what she says doesn't really make sense. She said in July that she got engaged to Frank and they had been together for 7 months. Well.... she slept with Curtis too in January so that must have overlapped.
I dunno--I know I've never really cheated on anyone before and I don't plan on making a habit out of it, but she of all people should not be judging me. I'm not even judging myself--i know what I did. I was acting single because I wanted to be.  But the whole truth is that it had only been going on since the 10th, not the whole time I had been going down to Coral Springs. I love the fact that Brian seems to think that it had been going on for months.
I just wish people would stop judging me and take a look at themselves. I'm not perfect, by any means. But who is? I can do what i want, it IS my life after all. Who knows what Ryan would have been like in bed? But now I get to find out what other people are like, and only if I want to.

Well, my therapist says that I should write a letter to Brian in here. So.... here goes nothing.

Dear Brian,
Like most things in this journal, here is one more thing you will never read, much less understand. I am writing this to heal myself from you. I want you to know that in many respects, you were a good boyfriend. You were there for me when I needed you, you were my best friend, my lover, my shoulder to cry on. But as much as you were all those good things, you could be the complete opposite. Through your drinking I saw you in a completely different atmosphere, and it wasn't beautiful at all. All the names you called me stung me and can never be erased. That is why I chose to leave you behind. I am certain that whoever is supposed to love me will never call me names and hurt me the way that you did. Truth is... you have a problem. Actually, you have a lot of them and you need to address them as soon as you possibly can. I have a strong feeling that taking you with me would have been a huge mistake.
I will always care about you in ways that a friend would. I will hope you are alright. But the last time you hurt me will be the complete last time, and allowing you back into my heart would allow you authority to do just that. So I leave you with a world of options. You can be and do whatever you want.

Take care,
Rita

That was... uplifting. The truth is, I miss being alone, just having myself to worry about.  Seems like Brian was right, I worry too much about other people.

4:47pm