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"I laid there quiet, watched you have your way with me
I might have cried, the tears were silent inside
you see
you called me names, made me feel like I was dumb
I didn't feel a thing and now I'm gone gone
gone
Like a battered child I got used to your pain
but you know it's cuz
I was weak before now you've made me so
numb I can't feel much for you anymore
I gave you my all, my baby
I'm numb, numb, numb"
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This reminds me of how I was raped by Mike. It was exactly the way it was. I just laid there on the bed waiting for him to be finished. I was screaming but only because it hurt so damn much and I started to cry and I just wanted him to be finished before I could go on with my life. I remember I was in the bathroom for 3 hours. I shaved my legs, my armpits, did my eyebrows, gelled my hair. And I sat there on the bed and Mike asked me if I'd get him cigs (he was drunk). I was like... no I don't want to... cuz you know I had just gotten finished making myself over. But I go anyways and it's raining. I remember I took Anakin with me. I wish I had just left and went home to my parents' house but oh well. Anyways I came back and laid on the bed. He got on top of me and started kissing me and then took off my pants and took off his pants and just put it in me. And it did not feel good. I remember wanting him to stop but I was too afraid to say something cuz he was drunk. He just started fucking me and his penis would fall out and he'd just put it in and go harder and I screamed cuz it hurt so bad (he did NOT get me ready at all) cuz I was dry and in pain. Then I just started crying and he asked me if he should finish and I said okay so he finished. And then he said, "there now you can't say that we never have sex." And I just laid there curled up in a ball with my shirt on just sniffling and he asked me what was wrong and I said "nothing." That's when he said the part about now I can't say that we never had sex.
Isn't that completely awful? Sometimes people don't deserve to have private parts. He is one of those people that totally deserves to be castrated. I have no idea if I've told you this before. I just felt the need to talk about it and put it out there.
Cowboy Take Me Away by The Dixie Chicks
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"I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
and not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
for miles and miles
Except for maybe you
and your simple smile
oh it sounds good to me
yeah it sounds so good to me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This takes me back to May/June 2003. I was with Mike again, and we had moved into Kyle and Terri's house. Actually... Terri needed help with the the children and dogs (I thought it was so stupid that Mike just HAD to keep Anakin, and Kyle was going to call the police on me to get Anakin back for Mike, not thinking that Anakin would be at their house 24/7. What a fucking idiot). I was going to night school (for the first month I had night school, then it switched to day class until I graduated). I came home one night to Terri and Mike in the basement painting the walls to make it looks more presentable because Terri wanted to move out of the house. It was a really beautiful house but there was so much about it that didn't make sense. I'll never forget her saying, "This is your song, Rita," and she played it for me. It reminds me of my friendship with her and her children (Kierstin is almost 14 now and has a boyfriend of over a year), and of course the puppies. My heart and soul.
Livin' on a Prayer by Bon Jovi
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"Tommy got his six string in hock
now he's holding in what he used to make it talk
so tough
it's tough
Gina dreams of running away (yes she does)
when she cries in the night
Tommy whispers: "baby
it's okay.
someday."
we've got to hold on to what we've got...
we're half way there--Livin' on a prayer."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have always liked this song. But it's been especially relevant since I moved down here. When Brian and I were homeless, we were just driving around aimlessly looking for a place to stay and this song came on the radio. After Joe died, we were searching for Corey's house in Ft Lauderdale and the song came on again. I realized this song was God's way of telling me that even though things aren't always easy, the important thing is that we stick together.
Utopia by Alanis Morissette
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"We'd rise post-obstacle more defined more grateful we would heal be humbled
and be unstoppable we'd hold close and let go and know when to do which we'd
release and disarm and stand up and feel safe
this is utopia this my utopia
this is my ideal my end in sight
utopia this is my utopia
this is my nirvana
my ultimate"
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This song reminds me of my friend, Angie. I met her through Jen, the girl I met on the Alanis website and ended up becoming really great friends with until I pushed too hard and our friendship broke up. Angie and I still remained and she send me a cd of Alanis songs that were rare (I still have that cd). She sent me the cd to me while I was at Jen's house visiting for Christmas. She also made me Pink's 2nd album Mizundastood while I was dating Mike (I don't remember getting anything from him but she made me a cd for Valentine's Day that year). I still have that one too and it reminds me of that part of my life where nothing made sense to me at all besides that song.
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