1:30am
Hey sweets,
I miss you! I just got another idea. I am going to put stuff in that I want for my wedding. Whee!! Another project idea. Ack. I just had to turn on the light and it wasn't a very positive experience. Phew! I am working on so many projects, I hope I'll leave you some room. HAha. And the thoughts just keep coming. I really have to organize everything though. Just to keep it all straight.
So, I went to this place in Ft Lauderdale to see a body exhibit. I had seen one in Chicago a few years ago. I remember taking Brian and my dad. I wanted Brian to see the museum but it turned out to be a huge disappointment. OMG! Lindsay Lohan is starring in a reality show. Yikes.
Anywho.... the museum of science and industry used to have this exhibit about pregnancy and birth. I remember this because it was the first time I heard about how my parents got engaged. My dad took my mom to see the exhibit and when he was looking at the stages of pregnancy he realized he wanted to have a baby with my mom. They had been together for 6 months. And they were married in my gramma's backyard. So... I went to the pregnancy part of the exhibit. I thought I was going to break down when I saw the small fetuses but I just remember the day we did the ritual and your little card helped me a lot. Yes, I had a miscarriage. And it was devastating. But life goes on. I know that this time around God will bless me with a miracle and this time I won't reject it. I want to have a baby. This time I'll be ready. Pretty soon, Maddy will have another addition and she will be like me, remembering everything. I can't wait for that.
Man--I am exhausted. I am getting ready for my long-ass day tomorrow.
<3 ya!
1:47am
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after 2am
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Hey sweets,
I am watching the Steve Wilkos show and tonight it's an update on previous shows. I really need to call them. I'm scared, but I'm even more scared of what will happen if I don't call. At least if I'll talk to a professional it'll help clear up questions I have. This doesn't have to be SO difficult. But for some reason Sara insists on making everything difficult, putting unneeded stress on a 6 year old child. It's not right. I just want Winter to be okay. That's really all I want.
Why do weddings always make me cry? It doesn't matter if it's on tv, in a movie, or real life, it just always makes me cry. Everything is just so beautiful. I hope my wedding will be that beautiful. I really wish that I got to see you get married. But you took enough pictures so I'm happy. Brian and I are either going to fly up there or rent a van. I want to take you, David, Ryan, and Nathan with us. It could be a really interesting trip.
Man I am so tired but I feel like I had to write. I can't believe we're almost on our 4th notebook! Woo hoo us! I really believe that this tool made us closer.
Damn. Now there is this 12 year old boy who is incredibly violent. How do kids get that way? I probably already know that answer.
Blah. I'm tired but I wanna write but I dunno where to start. I am just really worried about you. I don't know what it is about February, but I have the feeling that people have more money issues in Jan and Feb than any other month. Cuz it's right after the holidays maybe? I dunno. I just hope you can get back to work soon. This may be the break you needed but it's time to get back.
I promise you that when I get my massage business massage license, you and I will work on our business. That is if you still want to.
Anywho, I need to go lay down. I feel blocked for some reason. It's just that there is so much I need to say but I can't form the words. It's a weird feeling because most of the time I can't stop talking. I think it has something to do with the fact that I am so focused on my projects, I make myself write. I'm also beyond stressed out. I know everything will be fine, it's just the matter of getting through all the SHIT to get to "fine".
Annoying.
Love you,
Rita
2:45am
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after 11am
hey!
I am so glad it's morning. This is just a list of things I need to do in the next couple days.
Thursday
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*go to school and finish making copies
*go to the library and drop off books
*go back to school
Friday
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*go to the bank to deposit the money, make a money order
*pay rent
*pay last month's electric and cable.
*go to taxes
*work on notebook stuff
*get magazines, envelopes, and other stuff
Whee. I can't wait to pay all my bills. I hope I get enough money today. I really need it for the next couple days.
Ugh. Money. It is stinky. I feel like we're all slaves to it.
"It's a bittersweet, symphony in this life. Tryin' to get on your feet, tryin' to get some money then you die." Bittersweet symphony by The Verve.
Going to Ft Lauderdale yesterday was pretty interesting. The place the exhibit was located in was like this little old town. It looked kind of like City Place. I got some really neat picture ideas. But I dunno if I'll ever have the time or energy to go back there.
Ack. My stupid car company needs to stop hounding me for money. I paid them twice hence why I don't have enough money for rent.
I am so tired. For some reason I didn't sleep well. I did when I finally went to sleep but I kept waking up. Last night we passed this art bar type thing, so I had a dream that you and I (and someone else but I forget who) went to the theater but there was participation required. Weird!
Well babe, I gotta face the day. I love you and I will miss you and the notebook tremendously.
Love,
me
11:25am
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