December 3rd, 2008

December 3rd, 2008
12:07am

Well, Ryan and I talked but it didn’t exactly clear anything up.  I dunno what the hell is going on and I just wish I could know what the hell just happened.  I said goodnight to him and he said, “later.”  I really like him and I still want to see him but who knows if he still wants to see me.  I dunno what the hell happened but I think tomorrow I’m gonna give him some space and then maybe call him so we can at least hear each other’s voices.  I do not know just what in the hell is going on but I really hope we can resolve things without fighting.  I really don’t want to fight with him.  We have been through similar spats or whatever and we always seem to work through them.  I hope that we can do the same for this one.  Who knew I would feel so strongly about him in the first place?

Dear God,
what in the hell just happened?  I have absolutely what all of that was about.  I know you have a plan and everything, but this is ridiculous.  I hope that this can be resolved and I am trusting that questions will be answered and things that were once blurry soon come into focus. In the back of my head I feel like he is just being insecure because he doesn’t like the fact that he’s in FL and I am here and he’s protecting himself from getting hurt.  Either that or he’s just being an asshole.  I guess my question is, did I ruin something by telling him what has been happening?  Or does this have not as much to do with me as it does his own personal skeletons?  I know that is a heated question, but I am just very confused.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen

12:25am
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December 3rd, 2008
7:49am

I feel completely awful right now. Why did I have to say anything at all?  Why did I have to tell Ryan about people who don’t even matter to me?  I feel like I ruined everything and he doesn’t like me anymore.  That might not be true but it’s how I feel.  And right before my trip.  I don’t know what I did that was wrong but I just feel like an idiot.  I am gonna leave him alone today, but maybe tonight I will call him.  I just want to hear his voice and I want us to talk out whatever is going on.  I really hope that he answers his phone.  And I also really hope that we can talk this out.

Dear God,
I don’t really know what this feeling is and I don’t know what is going on with Ryan and if he is finished with me or not.  I don’t know exactly what I did or what he is really upset about.  I just want us to be okay, whatever that may mean.  I didn’t mean to upset him and I really hope he knows that.  I don’t really know what my question is or whatever, I just want to talk to him and I am praying that he can find it in his heart to move past this.  I just need a sign that everything is going to be okay and that he still wants to see me.  But mostly I just want to know that we are going to be alright.  We have gotten through worse I believe.

In Jesus’ name,
Amen

And now, I need to get dressed and go to work.  I’m leaving my phone here so I don’t say anything stupid to incriminate myself even farther.

Love,
me

8:06am