10:43pm
Well, right now I'm in a hotel in Ashburn, GA. I'm coming home to Chicago. By myself. After work on Monday I packed up all my stuff and at 9:30pm found a hotel to sleep in. I've been missing Brian like crazy, but I really feel like this is the best thing for me. I wish I had never written about what happened with Ryan so that Brian wouldn't have to know the truth. But I did and he chose to read my journal. I would have told him eventually.
I have been struggling with this decision for a long time. Every time Brian has gotten drunk I'd be really upset but I'd always stay. After New Years he promised me that I'd never have to deal with this. And then bam. 7 months later here I am... dealing with it. These past few days have been rough. This is the first time in almost 5 years that we've been apart for even a few hours. But... even when I told him that the only way he was gonna come with me to Chicago was if he went to AA, he didn't agree to it until I told him that I wasn't gonna cover for him anymore. I shouldn't have told him that at all. I should have always listened to my first instinct, which was to break it off.
I am shocked that he still wanted me back after what I did with Ryan. That right there shows me that he would rather be in a trustless relationship than none at all. I am sorry but I can't be in a relationship where there's no trust. I just feel bad that I was so graphic and Brian read it. It was just... really dirty. But at the same time, I needed it. I stopped masturbating after Brian caught me watching some guy {on Camfrog} and that was in the beginning of the month. If that's the case then... I've been cheating on him and lying to him this whole time. There's a difference between cybering and real life cheating. And it's not like he never satisfied me because the sex was amazing {not really, obviously, because if it was really amazing I wouldn't have felt the need to take care of myself afterwards--11/3/13}. But... I'm a free spirit. I just miss first kisses and being cute. I have been talking to somebody and I guess he's going to want to hang out with me. I am also going to surprise Geoff. I'm gonna get home and settled and get all dolled up and take a walk over to the house. But I need to work before I can play. And I need to find a job almost immediately. {I'm not sure why I was worried about the boy situation so soon after breaking up with Brian--the only thing I can think of is that it had been such a long time since I had gotten any attention that I felt like I needed some male attention, even if it was superficial--11/3/2013}.
*find job
*get addy changed
*get new license plates
*pay off car
*pay off Best Buy/Whithall
*pay off any bills I might have from the apartment.
Ugh I have a lot but I think that by the end of September I should be closer to paying off my car. I should be at least $1400 in the hole but I know Brian and Ryan are going to help once they figure out what they're gonna do about a place to live. {5 years later and not a penny from anyone. Their karma, not mine--11/3/2013}. There's a lot of loose ends, but I'm sure that everything will work out.
I really hope I pass a Firestone on the way home because I think something in my car is loose. Not when I go straight but when I turn I feel a clicking. I just got my alignment done so I dunno if it's that or something got jolted loose but I don't want to risk it.
Well... I'm starting to lose my sugar buzz so I'm gonna lay down on this ridiculously uncomfortable bed.
Dear God,
Please let the remainder of my trip be a good one. I hope that nothing is seriously wrong with my car and I hope that I can get to a car place that doesn't charge me an arm and a leg to tighten a screw or something.
Also, please be with Brian and send ur angels to watch out for him. I love him so much that I have to leave so he can fix himself. Thank you for guiding me to where I have to go in life and thank you for giving me the sign I needed and the strength to stand alone.
In Jesus' name,
amen
11:23pm
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