1:21am
I am so fucked in the head. I don't even know where to begin as to what is wrong with me. I am not a cheater or a liar but I've managed to pull both off in the past 2 days. I guess Brian saw the hickey on my neck and while I was at work he read my journal. So basically he knows what happened.
I just.. I feel like a horrible person for cheating on my boyfriend. I feel like part of the reason why I did what I did was because I'd never see him again. But how is that fair? I should never have let it get as far as it went and I should have told Brian up front that I didn't want him to come with me before all this happened. If he didn't drink that last time... I know none of this would have happened. But that's what is fucked up. After that night I guess something in me snapped and I closed my heart off. But this time, I'M the bad guy. I'm the one who acted out and cheated. But I guess the only way I could have done that is if I was finished. And although it fucking hurts to say so, at this point I am. Brian is right, if I don't take him with me to Chicago, I will never know if he's really gonna seek help and get better. But I have to be honest with myself. Too much has happened for me to move forward with Brian. Yeah, it's true that when I leave I'll probably never see him again... but right now I'm just in protective mode; of myself. Brian wants me to take time and think about it but I've pretty much made up my mind, as fucked up as it is right now. Everytime I've let him back in it's fucked me up even more. So I'm basically at the end of my rope. I need to be out of this relationship. I'm not even sure if I even want to see Ryan again because I feel fully responsible for that. I shouldn't have started things with someone without finishing something with someone else. I need to be done and figure out why I choose people with addictions. And also why I chose to cheat instead of just being straight forward. I really fucked things up REAL good.
1:46am
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