2008
11:16pm
so… I haven’t heard from Mike at all. Whatever happened between us he wasn’t feeling so… oh well. Maybe he did me a favor. He really missed out but oh well. I think that is all he’s capable of. but I’m gonna get my haircut and maybe get some new outfits and finally download my pictures onto my MySpace. So people will see what they’re missing. So…. neener. I do need to start taking new pictures. There is so much going on and I never get to take any pics. So starting tomorrow I plan on abusing my camera.
Well… I guess it seems that I have been thinking about Brian lately. It’s just that it’s hard not to… this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But in a lot of ways, I know this relationship wasn’t perfect. There were a ton of things that I wasn’t happy with. For one… I always went back and forth about whether or not he was right for me. The sad thing is… on so many levels, it was a great relationship. Especially in the beginning. He was the guy I dreamed about, who I spent all my time thinking about, and who I could picture myself with in the long term. He was it for me. But most of all, he understood me and put up with me. And I know I can be difficult. But so can everyone. As time went on, I realized that he was still very influenced by his friends and he wouldn’t have stopped if I never said anything. I didn’t even cheat on him till probably a week after he and I had that fight. But he refuses to believe that it was that fight that caused me to stray. I didn’t quite understand it myself… but I still had bruises on me while all this was going on. So just think about the state of mind I was in. I just needed to get away from the seriousness of everything. Ryan excited me, and he just made me feel like my old self again. Plus I loved kissing him and I loved the fact that he couldn’t keep his hands off of me. If I miss anything about him, it’s his hands. But just the fact that I could be attracted to somebody else was a clue that my relationship with Brian was over. I just couldn’t look at him the same. The goofy thing is, Brian was still trying to get me to take him back after he read my journal and he knew in detail what happened. But he would basically never trust me again. He wanted to go to couple’s counseling AFTER the fact, but when I wanted to go… he didn’t want to. I don’t even know if he will ever go to AA and get the help he needs, or if he’s going to continue to drink. But all I know is that he’s going to have to deal with all of his problems, in one way or another. He can’t expect someone else to be EVERYTHING to him. It’s nice to be someone’s “EVERYTHING” figuratively, but in reality…. it’s a much more deeper burden to bear.
<3,
me
Sept 29th, 2008
12:01am
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