1:15am
Well, this has certainly been a crazy week. The same day that I wrote what I wrote about Ryan and Mike, I ended up talking to both of them. Mike I've noticed goes beyond normal flirting, it's more of just what is gonna happen than the normal elusiveness. He was saying how I would just play around his questions and he didn't like that. It's not like I did it on purpose. I just wanted to avoid certain things I ended up not being able to avoid, but it's okay. He can talk about wanting to do things with me all he wants to but it's not gonna happen until I say so. I'm not really interested in sex right now. Unless the moment is right anyways. I just want to get to know the guy who gave me my first kiss and although I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't want to rule out the option if it goes that way. And although I don't want it to be serious, I don't want to be a booty call either. Which I will make sure doesn't happen. It feels good to be able to worry about all this and not have to feel guilty for it. I can just enjoy myself and not have to worry about getting serious with anyone that I don't want to get serious about. I think I'll end up surprising him. The one thing I do not want is that he gets a taste of me and then suddenly gets all jealous and crazy. If there is any hint of that it's over before it starts.
Man... it feels good to be in a bed without Brian. If I have to hear one more time that he's gonna be homeless, I'm gonna shoot myself. Seriously. When the chance came, he chose what he chose. So in the end I did him a favor. I let him stop relying on other people and start relying on himself, for real. He might be homeless for a while. He might even kill himself. But then again, he might not. He has to own up to what he's done. He has to see that he has a problem and that he's lost me. Everyday I thank God that he made my ears big enough so I could listen. As for Ryan, I think I will always hold a small torch for him, but I know that leaving was the right thing to do. I am thankful that I at least got to meet him and I don't regret what we did together. That last night was beautiful. I prolly shouldn't have written it down, but oh well. What happened happened. I just wish Brian would have read all of my journals--especially if he's gonna get upset about me fooling around. Cuz seriously if he counts what he saw me doing on the computer cheating then I've been doing it basically the whole time we've been together. But seriously, it's online. Who gives a fuck? And it's not that he wasn't good in bed. But after a while, when all that drinking shit was coming to a head, that's when I really missed being single. I longed for the freedom I have now. And I honestly don't give a fuck if I had a date on the weekends.It'll be interesting to see how this thing with Mike develops {into nothing because he wasn't interested in being friends with me or anything--11-03-2013}. Who knows, we might actually like each other. Lol.
Dear God,
If I haven't said it enough, thank you. Thank you for giving me the signs I needed to get me out of a bad relationship. I needed a really big push and I believe it was you that guided me through it all, even the bad stuff. I need some help right now, God. I need to find a job quick so I can start paying off some debts and help my mom out. Also, I need something more to focus on. I also need to get a move on studying for my nationals. I am going to kick ass this time I want to thank you for being here for me every step of the way. And please take care of Brian. Sounds like he could use some light.
<3,
me
In Jesus' name,
Amen
1:53am
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