11:58pm
So… this week is a good one, albeit a very confusing one as well. I guess Ryan wants to buy my ticket but he said I need to be sure about the flight, and him. I told him that I was sure I wanted to see him and be with him. I asked if he was sure about me, and he hasn’t answered that yet. And tonight he asks me if I think he still likes me and I asked if it was a trick question and he said, “yeah.” Then he said he “kinda” likes me. I said, “Kind of as in a lot or not really” and he said he didn’t know. Then he said, “I luv ya.” Which is just another way of saying he is in love with me but doesn’t want to say anything. Even though we met right before I left, I didn’t leave because of him. I left because my family is in Chicago and I needed to be at home. If I had stayed… I would have literally no place to go and I am not shacking up with someone I have only met a few times. This distance has forced us to get to really know one another without being dependent. Like my mom said, if it’s meant to be, then maybe in the future there will be a time for us. I do really like him and to be honest I would consider him an almost boyfriend, if we were closer in geography then definitely. But how do I know my feelings are real and I’m not just on the rebound? I have no clue what a rebound is like. I’ve never done that kind of thing. But I can say that if I do take this visit… it will tell me a lot of things I need to know. Like how we honestly feel about each other, what he’s like in everyday life, if he can handle the real me. I’ve always been real with him but I think he sees what he wants to, just like everyone else. And the worst part is that he is a drinker. He doesn’t seem to go over his limit, but God only knows what that is. I think I will keep my eyes and heart open yet remain cautious. Which is understandable. And I won’t close myself off to any possibilities here, just in case there is someone here that I can care about. This is my life and I’m gonna live it on my own terms. No one is going to make my love decisions for me besides me.
In other news, on the way back from my orientation today I totally flirted with this extremely cute boy. He was at the drive-thru window of a starbucks. I saw him and turned up my music and he recognized the band that was playing and I flashed him a really cute smile. Ha! I am thinking that I want to give him the cd but that’s too bold, even for me. But I dunno. Maybe I am bold. =P.
Well, I’m reading this psychic dream walking book and I want to try it out on Ryan because I want to connect to him so badly in my dreams. I just want to be in his arms again. Besides, he keeps having all these sex dreams about me that I keep missing out on.
Oh and for Christmas I want to find him some airplane wings or bagpipes or even a boat… something that can go on a chain and I’m gonna tuck it into a really sexy outfit. Hehe I love my ideas.
Happy birthday, Maggie!
12:32am
October 22nd, 2008
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