October 14th, 2008

October 14th, 2008
12:23am

I am forced with a moral dilemma.  Do I tell Chelsea about Ryan or not?  You know… I want to tell her that I met him and what he was like.  But then if I did that, would I tell her the whole truth?  I dunno.  It would have been so much easier if she had stayed away from me.  I have been talking to her for a couple days and I dunno… it’s nice but at the same time I feel like I don’t want to continue this.  We talked about redoing this notebook and I’m sure we will… but I dunno.   I don’t have the heart to really give a shit anymore.  I don’t care how sorry she is.  I feel like I should keep the whole Ryan thing out of our friendship.  I guess I just made up my mind, lol.  Anyways I’m gonna get her to make me a whole new notebook and then I’m gonna make copies of all the notebooks and that’ll be the end of our story.  You know what fuck it--I don’t even care. She can make me one if she wants.  But I just don’t trust her one bit and I think she is just a very lonely person.

--Rita

12:40am
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1:56pm

I have been thinking long and hard about this, and I have made the decision not to tell Chelsea anything about Ryan.  Or anything else for that matter.  I’m glad that I could get some things off my chest…. but I am done.  If Chelsea and I were still friends, I might never have met Ryan in person.  But she had written me off and I met up with him and now I am planning a trip to see him in December.  I don’t wish to tell her about this only because our friendship has changed forever.  It will never be the same.  I don’t even know if I want to remain friends with her.  I am just sick of getting hurt by her.  I don’t know Ryan enough to know if he’s worth all the trouble, but what I do know is that I miss him and I can’t wait to be in his arms again.  And he misses me also.  I don’t want to feel guilty over a friendship that doesn’t even seem worth anything.  But I do feel guilty because I am leaving out a huge chunk of my life to someone I once cared about. But… no matter what I say it won’t matter… she will see it as a betrayal.  Which it is in some way.  Maybe life would be different if things had happened differently.  But they are what they are.  And it feels right to me.  There are a lot of things I don’t say to people.  But the important thing is that I am true to myself.  And right now, I am the only person I can trust.

2:12pm