11:00am
So... I guess you can scratch paying bills off the list cuz that's not gonna happen. I'm a month behind on everything except water. But I'm just gonna do my best and if they still shut everything off then... I'll just live with it.
I wish I could rewind time and tell Brian exactly how much I needed then I could have paid my bills for this month and I'd be a little less stressed out. I have enough for last month's cable but not electric. I wish I was a licensed massage therapist NOW! If I do 4 a day I can make from $300-$400 a day depending on how much I feel like charging. But that's a ways away still. I'm thinking of holding off on some payments until I can do all of it. But... whatever.
I had a dream yesterday that I know I've had before. I'm in IL looking for houses and I come across this one. The guy is trying to sell it because his wife died and the house is too big for just him and his son. Well, the foyer is really old and ratty looking, but then you start walking and there's all these different rooms. There's the regular rooms and then there's a chapel and an inside porch, that kind of thing. I went into one of the bathrooms and I found this pair of earrings. At first I put them back but before I left I took them. They were like dangly black hoops with crosses on them. Like that. And Nathan was in my dream. Whenever he's in my dreams he's always holding me. It's never sexual or anything just comforting.
So... I need to get going. I WILL get all my bills paid. I dunno how and some things might get shut off but I am prepared for that. Brian gets paid at the end of the week so... hopefully I get my tax return soon. And hopefully Ryan can help. We'll see. I love you! And I can't wait for the day to be over already.
love,
me
11:26am
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5:11pm
Hi!
So, I survived my first shift of the day. Actually I got sent home at 3. So I relaxed, ate some food, and now I'm here (yay!) So, I dunno if my power is gonna get shut off or not. I hope not but I can't pull money out of my butt. So I'm just preparing myself for it if it happens. It'll be like camping... whee. Blah. I feel hopeful yet extremely stressed out. But even if we pay last month's and we STILL get shut off, Brian is getting paid next week so we'll be able to finish it plus I get my tax returns. I'm gonna get some things that I want to get, and THEN put everything else in the bank.
I am pooped.
<3,
me
5:22pm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10:50pm
Phew. I'm finally done with this day. I'm just glad I survived it. I wanted to write about something that I was thinking about earlier. Kind of like a revelation type thing.
I grew up really sheltered. I had both parents involved in my life. But I also had problems. I never really had very many friends. I had girl scout friends and play date friends, but nothing of any real substance. I left the school I was at because I felt that no one really cared and everyday was a struggle. I didn't understand why girls would whisper shit right in front of me just to be rude, and the boys coming up to me going, "so-and-so likes you" and then that person coming up to me 20 minutes later saying, "nevermind I don't like you." From having new friends in the 7th grade, to people again treating me like shit in 8th grade, to be constantly reminded that I'm the girl that the boys can be friends with but they'll never go out with, to having 4 best friends hate you by the time you're a senior... I just took whatever life dealt me with. I made different friends and I concentrated on whatever else I could. Yes, I was niave, but I knew that I wasn't going to be liked by everyone. By the time Mike came around, I was floating around in life, not really knowing which end was up. I did a lot of things I swore I'd never do. I never wanted to have sex with anyone that I wasn't completely in love with and I never wanted to be around drugs or associate myself with anyone who might be toxic. But Mike was toxic and my niave heart didn't have all the right answers. I had sex with him because I was curious enough to wonder what it was like. I didn't really think about what would happen after. And when I got pregnant I just rejected my child and when I had the miscarriage I still went back to him. I didn't know that I COULD HAVE broken up with him, But now... I have had to put all my feelings aside. I still hate pot and I hate that Ryan and Nate still do it. And I hate the fact that Brian is an alcoholic. But when we move back... he is never going to be around any of that shit. I dunno what friends we're gonna have even though it's my old hometown that we're moving back to. But there are all kinds of people everywhere. I don't even know if I'm making any sense right now. My point in all this nonsense is that I feel like I've really been pushed to grow up a lot since I've been down here.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Apparently Earnest came by Best Buy yesterday and Brian helped him buy something. Apparently they have 2 cars. All I can say is... where's my money, bitches? Ah fuck I don't care. They can keep their stupid money.
Blah! Alright babe. I am really flipping tired so I'm gonna get ready for bed.
Happy birthday, Maddy!
12:13am
March 13th.
No comments:
Post a Comment