If You Really Knew Me...

If you really knew me

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If you really knew me… 

--If you really knew me, you would know that I came from a family that, on the outside, seemed close and “Christian.”  You would think I had the perfect life--I was spoiled; fed, clothed, and got pretty much anything I cried or begged for… except for the attention I craved. However, you’d know that wasn’t the whole truth.  I nearly lost my father to lung cancer when I was 4 years old.  He was not expected to live.  He’s had nothing but health problems ever since he made it through cancer.  A great deal of that includes depression.  My mother was very close to my brother and no matter how hard I tried… I don’t think she ever quite saw me the way she saw him.

--If you really knew me, you would know how abusive my brother was.  He would beat me until I was black and blue, frame me, let his friends see me naked, try to drown me in the pool. push me down stairs, and lastly, put cigarettes out on me.  He spit on me, had an entire student body calling me a name I hated, and pretty much made my life hell.

--If you really knew me, you would know my mom did nothing to stop this and often told me it was my fault for provoking him.

--If you really knew me, you would know how difficult going to school was for me everyday.  It wasn’t difficult just because I wasn’t good at school, either.  It was difficult because people were cruel.  Name calling, practical jokes, and loneliness were how I spent my days.  Between being made fun of constantly and getting tortured, I was constantly trying to impress a long list of people: my mom, my teachers, my peers, anyone that would approve of me. Sometimes, for a short period of time, I was able to impress my mother.  But it didn’t change things. I was drowning in hurt and hatred.

--If you really knew me, you would know how badly I wanted to just perform. I loved dance, acting and singing with a passion. I was able to get dance classes, but that was about it.  I fantasized of making it big one day and showing everyone just who they had missed out on.  This is what kept me going.

--If you really knew me, you would know that I lost my virginity when I was 18 by being raped.

--If you really knew me, you would know how many times I’ve been molested and raped in my life and you would be shocked.  (molested 5 times, raped 3 times--twice by a boy I was dating).

--If you really knew me, you would know I tried to commit suicide twice in 2003. Both attempts failed.

--If you really knew me, you would know that from the time I was 19 until I turned 25 I gave my life completely to the man I met and fell in love with.  I lost my mental capacity and sank to the very bottom.

--If you really knew me, you would know how hard it was and sometimes is, for me to get out of bed every morning feeling as inadequate as I did/sometimes still do.  I’ve begged God to take me home and end my life.  I’ve cried in frustration over how much I’ve had to struggle for things in life that others merely had to just snap their fingers for. But, if you really knew me, you would know that I’ve fought, I’ve struggled, and I’ve somehow managed to make it somewhere in life and I’m still going strong.