February 27th, 2008

February 27th, 2008
After 1am

Hey sweets,
I have had a really shitty night.  But instead of spewing word vomit, I took a bath and I'm still pissed off but calmer.  So... everything was fine today.  I did my thing with the books and everything and even studied a bit.  I got to school and my perfect day was ruined.  This girl, Miriam, got smart with me.  I made this muscle and it kept falling off so I tried to take it off but she wouldn't let me.  The skeleton looked like it was going to fall over but she didn't give a fuck.  So I took it off after I made the hamstrings and didn't talk for the rest of the night. I just decided I have had enough.  I'm already stressed enough I don't need this high school bullshit.  Then I got home.  I talked to Brian about my night and I noticed there was a 6 pack of beer in the freezer.  So I commented on it and Brian said it was Ryan's.  A little while later I'm in the bedroom and he comes in and he says, "Just promise me you won't get mad."  I'm like, "uh oh what did you do now?" He wouldn't tell me so after a while, I was getting sick of it so I said I'd flash him if he told me what he was talking about so then he told me.  He wanted to have a couple beers. Of course I was pissed off!  He has not shown to me yet that he can hold his alcohol.  But he drank anyway.  Whatever.  If he decides that he can handle it and starts drinking again, I'm out. I'm done.  And I mean it.  I asked him to tell me a time when he was drinking that he and I didn't get into an argument.  You know--if he wanted to drink and if he already knew I was going to get mad but he was gonna do it anyway, why even bother fucking asking me?  If you know it's gonna piss me off but you're gonna do it anyways just do it.  I am through caring.  I'm through enabling it and I'm through getting hurt over this stupid shit.  New years eve he told me this year will be better. Whatever, asshole.  My whole thing is this--ever since I've known him, he could not hold his alcohol. He doesn't know what 2 beers is.  He is going to think, "I can have some more, I've had this many and I feel fine."  And before you know it, he's screaming at me and being beligerent to everyone and being an asshole.  I see it happening already.  I can't fucking believe he did that.  I still can't get over the fact that he knew I was gonna be mad and he asked me anyways.  And he KNEW I was going to have a fit and he did it anyways.  He may as well just be single.  I don't want to get married to some asshole who's gonna do that shit to me.  I'm more upset and scared than anything, because I can see the future.  I already know where this is going.  If he's gonna do that shit to me, I can't continue this relationship.  Yes, it's me "running away" again but I'd rather be alone than let some asshole hurt me time after time.  He's like, "How come whenever we argue, I'm the only one who understands?  I always understand where you're coming from.  But when it comes to me you don't ever seem to understand."  Are you fucking kidding me?  I understand that you want to do whatever you want.  And I also understand that you are an alcoholic who needs professional help.  And I also understand that if you hurt me again, I'm out.  I can't live my life with someone who would hurt me like that.  I associate alcohol with him in a bad way because it's all he's ever shown me.  It has nothing to do with anyone but him.  He has shown me time and time again that he and alcohol do not mix.  So why would he expect me to be okay with him drinking?  That's what I don't understand.

Alright sweetheart.  I gotta work a stupid double tomorrow so I gotta get some sleep.
<3 ya!
Rita
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February 27th, 2008
11:00am

Hey sweets,
I have a little bit of time before I go to work.  I decided I'm going to not stay mad at Brian because it's not worth it to stay mad.  But when he thinks that he can handle it and he can't--I am walking.  If he can live with drinking after he swore up and down he'd never do it again, then I can live with leaving if he hurts me again.  So there ya go.
So--I had the weirdest dream.  First I dreamed I was with this big group of people and we were all outside running.  There was a median in the middle but you weren't allowed to cross until you got to the top.  Well, I got to the top and I was crossing but there was a problem.  The bridge was only halfway done.  It had a handle on one side but not the other and there was a door-shaped hole in the bridge.  Then we were inside and I got these cats.  There were these kittens someone wanted to get me.  Then I was in this lobby with my friend, Jenne.  It was like, there was this concert going on and my friend was playing the piano and I was walking around and saw another friend so we sat down with us and all of a sudden there was this plane.  It flew overhead and the tail hit the building.  We all thought it was weird so we went outside and it was like a demolition thing.  All the planes were crashing into each other.  At one point one crashed so close to us that it started sucking Jenne into it but I pulled her out of it and we ran inside.

All I can say is... what the fuck was that all about?  I am gonna look it up when I get home.  I am working my double tonight so I won't be home till late.

<3,
Rita