12:58am
Day 1 of me not using anything to fall asleep. Actually, I'm going to be using Valerian Root but I'm waiting until I'm ready to go to sleep. I just want to stop relying on sleeping pills. Plus they give me chemically induced and really weird dreams.
Anywho, I asked Geoff if I could use his name in my story but he said no. haha I'mma do it anyways. Haha!!
So... I am getting ready for work tomorrow. I'm a little less stressed about my bills. Even if something does get shut off, it won't be for long.
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3:45pm
Hey chicka,
I feel like hell right now. I got off work like an hour ago. In a few minutes I'm gonna ask Brian if he can get me something to eat. Last night was horrible. Brian and I were settling into bed and this commercial came on tv. It was about depression. I opened my mouth and said that I was depressed and that I had a suicidal thought. Brian asked me how long ago this thought occured and I said it happened a few weeks ago. He got so upset and we both cried and I went to sleep and when I got up and felt like shit. I am still so upset that I opened my mouth. I am not regularly a suicidal person. Brian said that a huge reason reason why he loves me is because I've been strong and I don't attempt suicide all the time. But alas I am still human. But I could never kill myself. I could never leave Brian, you or anyone that way. I have so many things left to do on this earth that I could never be that selfish. Yes, life gets stressful. I'll prolly get in trouble for bills and stuff, but EVERYONE on this planet has money issues. I don't think my massages will solve ALL my problems, but it will definitely help with the things we need. But that's what I'm saying. There is always another route to take. Always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Anywho, I'm gonna lay down. I'd call out of work but I don't have have my phone with me (it's in my friend's car). I love you. And I promise that if I ever need help or if I feel like I'm at the end of my rope I'll talk to you.
4:41pm
<3,
me
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After 7
Hey lady!
Looks like you're stuck with me again tonight. I am at work and I 'm hoping I'll have some customers but until then I'm just going to write to you. Oh my gosh... I was totally supposed to call Marci but I left my phone in Simone's car yesterday cuz she drove me to JFK and I remember putting the phone underneath the seat. But she didn't drive me home. Shani did. I was supposed to drive to school early so I could help Marci prepare for her national exam. She told me she's taking it on May 3rd and she hasn't studied at all. So I'm gonna find all the books that I have. Hopefully it'll help. She said that she didn't learn anything so in spite of everything I'm glad we have Miss Victa. And Miss Valerie has told us that she has a ton of resources. I just... I want to prepare myself and get my hands on anything and everything I can find that will help me with this damn test.
Anywho, I think I'm gonna drive Brian to work tomorrow and then come straight to school. I thought he had the day off but he has Friday off. I'm supposed to help Marci with her nationals and help Shani with our test that's due tomorrow. Ugh can't these people study in their own time? Lol. I dunno if I will be successful in helping Marci pass the test but I can only give her all the resources. Hopefully she'll do fine on her own. Even though I'm so close to graduation and I am scared of not passing the test, I won't let it stop me. Cuz if this wasn't what I wanted I wouldn't have even signed up for it. I don't care if it takes me 20 years to pay the loan back. I'll find a way. Oh hey I remember that song we were talking about in the car. "No Rain" by Blind Melon. It was this song that was popular in like 1995 or something like that and there was a little girl dancing around in a bee costume. I believe that the lead singer was a heroin addict and I'm not sure if he's alive or dead. (actually he did die).
Anywho, as soon as the song came on the radio I pulled into my parking spot so I had to turn the car off as soon as it started so it was in my head all day. I listened to it on the way back here and oh my gosh it's in my head. But I love it. I didn't add it to my song list but oh well. Ooooh Imma do major notebook stuff tomorrow. If I get to the school and no one's there I'm gonna print out some pictures and then Friday do NBS all day long.
Or until all my supplies run out, whichever comes first. But yay I'm so excited!
Wow I feel like I'm writing a novel. Maybe I am. heh. I am dying to hear what it was like at your dad's house. I just want to know if you and David worked out any issues I know you guys were dealing with. I personally think you could have stayed by yourself just to get a break, but that's just me, lol.
Ugh my stomach is killing me. Brian got me this chicken bacon thingy from Burger King and it just tore up my stomach. Uuuuuuugggggghhhhhh.... I really need to throw up!!! Maybe that'll make my tummy feel better. Alright. Imma go read for a bit.
<3,
me
8:15pm
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