11:02am
I’m awake. I woke up at 7:30 this morning first. Dan had answered a text I sent him last night. I invited him to come watch jazz and blues with me and some friends on Atlantic Ave. He seemed happy I invited him and told me he’d “let me know” once he knew what time his softball games are. Guess I won’t be seeing him tonight, either. Ya know, if I was a guy and I had some pretty girl vying for my attention, I’d say “Hey why not come to my softball game with me and then we’ll go watch some jazz and blues.” I’m not asking for marriage here. I’m not even asking for a relationship I just wanted to meet him. How can men be so fucking stupid? Why am I talking about it still? Lol. So, we texted a little. At 8:30, I finally fell back to sleep… Now I’m awake. Glad I’m not hungover and sick anymore. I’m waiting for Dave to come fix my computer. In the meantime, my TV isn’t working, computer isn’t working, I’m so irritated! So far, this week really sucks. I’m trying really hard to remain positive but it’s getting harder and harder. I feel like I should be able to cope with life better than I do. It’s so short, you know? I just want to enjoy it. I want to be able to say, “yep. Life is hard, but I live every moment as though it were my last cuz even though it’s hard, it’s beautiful.” Instead, I’m always so discouraged and put out I feel like my skin crawls with disappointment and I’m losing time. I can’t say I thoroughly enjoyed the first half of my life so far I’ve just had a hard time coping with it. Why can’t I just be thankful? Look how much I’ve gotten through. I’m a survivor not a victim.
Whew. Sorry for bringing you down. I just needed to share that with someone. Thanks for listening.
Ok so back to the story. So Macho Man Mark just HAD to pick up the box and of course it broke through. All the alcohol shattered everywhere so I had to go pick up a broom and come back. Then, I had to play medical assistant to Mark because one of the bottles smashed his foot. Erin kept wanting to be with him and take care of him. I felt jealous, and like she was in my way. It came on all of a sudden and so strongly and I kept pushing that feeling back because Erin loved him. Erin had been with him, and I had no right to feel any jealousy or to even want him, so I pushed that feeling away. Or tried to anyway. Erin had no clue what was going on, she was hammered. Mark and I kept making eye contact and it was like we were thinking all the same things at the same time. Eventually, Erin decided she wanted to take a shower so I got her in my bathroom and made sure she was ok. When I came out and shut the door, there was Mark. We started talking and I tried to avoid any discussion of him and I but he brought it up again. I kept turning around and facing the wall but he told me if I did that it made him want me more. I guess it made me seem vulnerable or something. Who knows. I told him we couldn’t do this because of Erin. This, even though she didn’t want him to know I told him she was in love with him. I just did it so maybe he wouldn’t want to do anything with me. I was trying to protect her. He said he knew she was in love with him, but he wasn’t in love with her and had tried to tell her that. He added that he had feelings for me and always had. Then he and I were kissing like crazy. I kept stopping and pushing him away, saying we couldn’t do this to Erin but we kept ending up entangle in each other and kissing. All of this was in the hall right in front of my bedroom and bathroom. It’s amazing that Erin didn’t hear one word of any of that. Next thing I know, Mark is throwing me on my bed. We’re making out and he starts to go down on me (and I swear that’s the first time it ever felt good). But then he stopped and we got up. It was like he knew it wasn’t a good time because Erin could walk in any minute. Eventually, we were all downstairs. I was in the kitchen and Mark came in and we kissed again. It was so dramatic and risky. **After kissing in the kitchen, he told me to look up “Breathe Caroline, birds and the bees” and think of him anytime I heard it. I still love that song…**
We ended up in bed around 6.am. Grant texted me… Erin, Mel and Mark went to sleep in the guest room. And on my twin bed was me, Christen, and Luke. Luke was sandwiched in between us. I had trouble sleeping because I was pinned against the wall and my hips hurt. I kept moving trying to find relief but it felt like I was humping Luke. So I got up and since my dad was awake, I slept in his bed. I woke up at 10, got ready for work and took cake with me. (Apparently, Grant ate the cake because he thanked me for it later). Turns out I wasn’t scheduled to work so I went home and spent the day with Erin and Mark. We went to the pool, but I came home before they did and went online. I was feeling guilty. Anyway, Erin and Mark went home later on and that was that. A couple days later Erin told me Mark told her he liked me. She had asked me if I liked Mark and vice versa before that and I told her no. Mark got me on the phone and asked me what I’d told Erin because she was questioning him too (this was before he told her). He asked me what was next for us and I said as much as I liked him, Erin was my best friend. He said he was pretty sure that would be my answer and he respected that. Erin still struggled with her feelings for him and Ryan. Around the time my affair with Grant blew up in my face, Erin called me in true fashion with her problems. Mark had now decided he liked Erin’s friend Lisa. Lisa decided she liked him too. What made me mad was Lisa was so against Mark and she knew how Erin felt. However, she didn’t care. She went for it anyway. I did kiss Mark and share some moments with him intimately, but ultimately I chose my friendship with Erin. Lisa chose Mark. So Erin stopped being friends with Lisa but she continued being friends with Mark which I didn’t understand. They were both at fault!! Erin was convinced though, that Mark was just trying to push her away because he thought she was too good for him. She was doing a lot of the same things I did and said/thought about Ryan. I had to just listen to it. I couldn’t be like, “No Erin he’s just an asshole and not in love with you.” Because then she would want to know how I knew that. And at that point I wasn’t ready to let her go. Finally, I got tired of her deluding herself and at my “graduation party” I couldn’t take it anymore. I told her that Mark and I kissed at her party and that he’d said he had feelings for me. I think it convinced her. Not to mention Mark now resides in Las Vegas. Idk, he just left--didn’t even tell Erin goodbye. The whole thing is all drama. So now, you know the whole Mark story. Wowza I detailed that one even more than when I told you the Grant story! Craziness. I wonder what else I can tell you about when we weren’t talking. Oh! Ha. Brian. I never told you about Brian. No, not your ex Brian. Another one. He was somethin’ else I tell you what. I met him through Daniel and Dave. We all went out to Renegades one night and he had a girlfriend that supposedly it wasn’t going well with. WE ended up making out and he tried to spend a lot of time with me but I was kinda like, not really sure I wanted to have that kind of relationship with him. Hello, red flags! I mean, he had a girlfriend! (who I am now good friends with). So, not only that, but we got into an argument one night. Basically, we were all at Brogues for karaoke and a few weeks before hand, Dave had told me him and Nicole did a friends with benefits kind of thing. He told me not to repeat because she was weird about people knowing. So, at Brogues, we were talking (Brian, me, Nicole, and Erin) and Nicole asked what I wanted in a man. Before I could answer, Erin starts telling her what it is I want in a man. (I know right? I’m glad someone else knows what I want). So then we were talking about how we all know each other. I casually mentioned that I knew of Nicole through Dave. She got all embarrassed and I wasn’t even talking about their FWB thing cuz I’d forgotten. So, she’s all upset and embarrassed I’m confused and Brian leans over and says “shut up.” WTF! I put up with a lot of shit, but I don’t put up with someone telling me to shut up. So I got up and walked away. He tried to get me to talk to him but it wasn’t working. He ended up hooking up with Christen who Daniel was sort of dating at the time. I also found out that Brian is a drug user. So glad that didn’t happen! Man, not only is my computer broken, but my friend didn’t come through and he has my camera so I can’t take pics tonight for blues and jazz. Fml. Why don’t people come through? I always try not to bail out on things. Sometimes I really do feel like becoming a bitch. But damn you know, people like that are just miserable and THAT’S NOT HOW I WANT MY LIFE TO BE! So, I think I’m going to make banana bread in a few minutes. I know my thoughts are kind of jumpy. My bad. I decided my dad has bad luck just like I do. The last name Loomis seems to be a curse. I know I’m Sims now but I was born a Loomis and life has always been fucked up for my family. Ugh, ok. I’m so not going down that negative road. It could be worse, right? I could be a 26 year old guy battling testicular cancer like my friend Adam.
Ok--banana bread time. My oven is so messed up. We have to turn it up higher than a recipe suggests--but it still doesn’t cook all the way through. But it does burn the top. Ugh. Why doesn’t anything want to work for me? Son of a bitch. It is so frustrating to me. I’m watching Law and Order: SVU. The first time I ever saw this show was in Ohio. I think I was mad at David or Jack was watching something--I was in Winter’s room with the door closed and I watched Making the Band 3 and Law and Order: SVU all day. The first one I saw was a little girl was locked in some room and she was about to be buried alive. I wish I remembered the whole thing. I’ve loved it ever since! I love Mariska Hargitay and Chris Meloni (detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler) so much. Both feel like family to me with their storylines and whatnot. Mmmm dinner smells so good. I am so excited to eat lol. I’m not even hungry though. Anyway, I don’t think I could be a cop like Elliot and Olivia. Sometimes they can’t fix every case. Some cases hit them personally. I think I got what it takes to study the forensics of a case--but not the solving of a crime or making sure someone is put to justice. I could be wrong though. I’ve been known for that. Oh well, I’m interested more in the science part anyway. Man, I don’t think I’m going to get this section done today like I wanted! But, I still wrote a lot. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to the courthouse with David in the morning. Then I work 2-6. I’m sure I’ll have 10 pages of stuff to talk about (er, write) tomorrow after work. I’ll want to tell you about tonight of course. Plus courthouse, and I’m sure something at work. I think Kirsten is mad at me because I can’t make it to Ryan’s b’day party this Saturday. I didn’t ask for that day off in time. Ruth was going to switch shifts with me but it would give her less hours. She was going to work both shifts for me but Jessica (cash lead) said no. I don’t get why that’s not allowed at our store. Sometimes--no 99% of the time--I really hate it there. The end is near, I can just tell. Just hope I have another job first. Whoa! This ep of L+O:SVU is gonna be good! This kid was crossing the street and the taxi driver yelled at him and some truck driver and bystander stuck up for the kid. Well, while they all argued, the kid walked away--but he got pulled into a delivery van and they were gone. Crazy! Alright dinner time then I’m leaving. Love you and have a good night.
<3,
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