15 days!
OOh I’m so excited! In less than 2 weeks I'll be getting the yearbook notebook, something I’ve been waiting for for a very long time. Ugh.. I am still so bad at writing. I keep taking more stories and things onto the post-its but whenever I DO write in here, it’s never what’s on the post-its. I always figure I’ll write about it later and then I never do. I can’t even blame the turtle anymore cuz he’s not even bothering me that much anymore. So, I think tonight I will continue my Twilight fan fic. Happy reading!
Bella stared in shock at the door as Rosalie left, closing the door behind her. She knew now why Edward had kept Rosalie’s story away from her inquiring mind, but she didn’t like the fact that he never fully explained the reason behind the blonde vampire’s hostility. She knew it took a lot for Rosalie to open up to her and she had to take with a grain of salt that this would probably be the most she would ever get. Soon she would be a vampire and Rosalie would go back to hating her.
She tried to get comfortable on the couch, but just being so close to the window and being able to see the moon reminded her too much of Jacob. She understood that she wasn’t exactly being held hostage, but she was torturing herself with memories of how Jacob looked the last time she saw him. She knew a friendship would be difficult enough with him because as close as she felt with him, her heart (as well as the rest of her), would always belong to Edward.
But Jacob was the reason why she was still alive. She had already spent so much time with him, before and after his transformation, and as strong as he was, he had never hurt her. Hell, when Jasper attacked her on her birthday last year, all of the Cullens left without even a trace.
Bella didn’t really know what she should do anymore. A part of her wanted to sneak out the window and run to Jacob. Why did she need to die in order to live? Why had she stubbornly insisted upon being undead when the alive part of her was pretty cool already? She wasn’t anything extraordinary. She was a huge clutz and since she got herself involved with Edward she had suffered a severely broken leg, a vampire bite from James, and glass in her arm from the whole birthday incident. Plus she had run away from home twice.
Suddenly, she felt like she couldn’t breathe. Though Edward’s bedroom was easily twice the size of her own, she felt as if the walls were closing in on her. She had to get out of this house and into her own so she could think. She had just stood up and was walking over to turn the light on when she heard a knock. Without a word she knew who it would be.
“Hi, Alice,” Bella said a little cooly. “Bella, is everything alright?”
Bella looked at the spritely little vamp who was like a sister to her. As much as she questioned her own desire to become immortal right now, she did know that no matter what, Alice would always have her back. Bella always felt like she and Alice went back farther than when she arrived in Forks, and Alice even admitted that Bella had stirred human emotions in her again, especially friendship and sisterhood. As she remembered that conversation they had shortly after Bella saved Edward from a certain death, tears began to form in her eyes. She tried to speak but her throat suddenly felt parched. She had to calm herself before the waterworks exploded and she couldn’t say what really needed to be said.
Alice gracefully hopped onto the bed and patted a spot next to her. “Come on Bella. Talk to me.” Bella hesitated at first, then composed herself and joined Alice on the bed.
“I don’t know if I can do this…” Bella started. Alice looked as if she knew what was coming, but she didn’t move a muscle. “I have no idea why I wanted to become a vampire so badly. I know that Edward would be more than pleased to hear about my decision, but none of my choices have to do with him. When did my life revolve around a guy? Why can’t I just make a decision based on what’s best for me instead of desiring to be like him so he doesn’t have to worry about killing me anymore?
“And besides that, I don’t know if I even want to be with someone who already left me once but who forbids me to see the one person who kept me alive during that time? Jacob is more than my best friend. He is my family. And not being able to see him is killing me. I know you guys think you are protecting me, but it is really doing more harm than good. As much as I love you and your stupid brother, I need my freedom. I am 18 years old. If I decided to stay human I will be 30 one day. I can’t be 30 and not allowed to see Jacob. Does this mean anything to you?”
Bella studied Alice’s perfect face, and for a moment she was afraid that she had said too much. The Cullens were going to throw her out on the street and abandon her. Again. She held her breath, then let it out as Alice started to speak.
“Bella, you know that whether or not you decide to stay human is not a contributing factor to how much you mean to this family. We all (even Rose) consider you to be our sister, Edward has never been so human, and at times even he tends to get freaked. He would love nothing more than to watch you grow and your body change, then die 5 seconds after you take your last breath. You have been an asset to your family since you set foot on this land. Of course, my brother would understand completely if you ordered him away. You would be completely justified in doing so, after all--you are a woman and completely reserve the right to change your mind.
I understand how hard it must be for you not to see someone who kept you alive. If I promised to get to know him better, would you consider staying?”
Bella’s mouth flew open. “You… would do that?” “He is your friend and obviously a very important part of your life. I can’t have you upset like this. You mean more to me than all the best cars in the world.”
Tears of joy rushed down Bella’s face. Alice reached out and pulled Bella into a hug, comforting her. “You don’t have to decide anything tonight. Just promise you’ll sleep on it, and we’ll leave it at that.”
Bella broke her hold of Alice. “Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me.”
Alice said goodnight and made another graceful exit. Maybe she could stay human. Maybe just until she turned 21. She decided to take Alice’s advice and sleep on it.
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October 12th, 2010
7:15pm
Hey Chels!
I hope your day is going well. You were kind of grumpy before so I hope that you are feeling better. I had kind of a grumpy start to my day--the stupid mouse woke me up again. I slept on and off until almost 2pm. Something was up with my tv so I read for a bit until it was time to go.
I finally got to see Suzanne! We didn’t always agree on everything but I owe a big part of who I am to her. She was my youth director when I was 16 and there were lots of mission trips and retreats we went on together. When I was 16, I was more miserable than i was probably in my whole life. I just didn’t trust a lot of people and I was so confused about God. my best friends were Jenne and Dani. They were like… trying to dress me up like a doll and it seemed like the more miserable I was, the happier they were. But I also remember lots of walks around the neighborhood, girl talk, and sleepovers. It was a weird time. They got pissed at my friend Alex and stopped talking to me for a week. I have no idea if I’ve told you this story or not and I’m sorry if I have. But anyways, Alex and I have been friends since we were 11. She has always lived in Waukegan so our parents would always drop us off halfway. Alex got her license first and would come visit me sometimes. Alex met Jenne and Dani at my 8th grade birthday party. First, my friend Jackie was jealous. Then everyone calmed down. At my sophomore year party (sweet 16) Jenne and Dani became obsessed with Alex. Alex was upset because 3 of her friends had died that week but she came to my party anyway and she told me later that she was happy she came. While we were trick-or-treating she talked about stuff and said that she was happy that she could get away and clear her head. After that party, Jenne and Dani started talking about Alex like they knew her. Jenne even called me asking for Alex’s number and faked having to get off the phone. It was the same line she used whenever Jen was on the phone. Anyways, they talked about being in a band together. Then Alex told me the name of the group she was going to start, which apparently was the same name that the twins were going to use. Alex said she never told them that she was definitely going to be in a group with them and she thought it was weird that they were talking to her so much. Dani (for whatever reason) told me that Alex had been raped when she was 13. Alex eventually told me that herself but it wasn’t until much later on. I think Dani was trying to prove that she knew more about Alex than I did.
I don’t feel hurt that Alex didn’t share that with me. Most of my friends never told me the truth about when they had sex, I think because they saw me as innocent and didn’t want to tell me things that would upset me. Sometimes hearing about that stuff did upset me but only because I didn’t want anything bad to happen to them (but of course, bad things always happen).
When I was 17, I decided I was going to be happy no matter what. I was just going to smile more and be more open. Going to church and being involved in youth group really helped me. By the time I was 18, my friendship with Jenne and Dani was long gone. But my relationship with God was getting stronger. Over the years I’ve made peace with the lost friendships, but I would rather have no friends at all than go through that shit again.
Suzanne was there for most of it. She was there for my jaw surgery. There was a huge snowstorm and the surgeon was late. She, Mark (the senior youth leader), and my parents all stood around me and prayed for me. She was there for pretty much every defining moment from when I was 16-20. Even when I was with Mike and I felt helpless, I knew that as long as I believed in God, I’d have the strength to do what I had to do. I knew that the relationship wasn’t right, but I wasn’t ready to leave the Barth’s and my puppy, Anakin.
Anyhow, I had to squeeze 7 years of history into 2 hours. I told her about my miscarriage, my dad’s stroke, Brian, Florida, you, and Ryan. Her story wasn’t as long as mine. She was only in Kentucky for a year and then she came back here. She went to grad school and now she works with people like my dad and worse off.
So yeah, today was like a surreal trip down memory lane. Anyways, I actually liked the story I wrote last night. I couldn’t stop writing, but it was 2:15am when I stopped and tried to go back to sleep. I didn’t actually get there until after 3am and was woken up by that damn mouse. After I got home from hanging out with Suzanne I cleaned up my closet and found what that damn mouse was chewing. In my cleaning (or emotional purgings that involved throwing all of Brian’s stuff away) I put all the pictures I had of him in a potato chip bag and I had plans on shredding them. I lost the bag for a while and then put it in my closet. Anywho, I picked it up and I saw right away that a corner of the bag had been chewed. No wonder why it was loud, it was filled with pictures.
I even went through all of my old notebooks and took out every picture I could find of him.
Wow… I can’t believe that I have been writing in here for 2 hours. It seems like my writer’s block is going away.
More later!
<3,
me
9:12pm
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