April 13th, 2008

April 13th, 2008
1:23am

Hey sweets!
Gosh I feel so bad that I haven't really written anything of substance in the past few days.  Truth is, I've been working on the nbs so much that by the time I feel like taking a break I'm so dang exhausted.  But tonight I wanted to write some stuff.  I am so sorry about what you and David are going through.  But I'm gonna say this.  But first remember that I love you (you know what is coming can't be good when it starts out that way, haha).  I knew you before David.  I remember the first time you kissed, the first time you guys said, "I love you,"... all that stuff.  I never ever thought he was good enough for you and sometimes I still don't.  But that's just because you're my best friend and I don't think we are ever going to think the guy we're with is going to be good enough for the other one because to each other, we only deserve the best.  I think you deserve someone who is on the same level as you.  Who doesn't have the baggage that David has (or worse).  Who has a better relationship with his mom (not codependent).  I think you felt like you were in love, but you wanted him for all the wrong reasons and before you could do anything about it you felt stuck.  I'm not saying that that's exactly what happened or that it's bad I'm just saying what I think (hence the I LOVE YOU earlier, heh).
I personally didn't think you were going to last as long as you did in Ohio, and I also think that you wanted to get married because you wanted what he had with someone else.  But now you are growing up and it's like you were asleep for the past 3 years and you are just now opening your eyes to what kind of person David is/has become.  Physically he's 24 but mentally he is at most 16-17.  With everything that he's been through, he seems to be stuck there.  In order to really fix things, he needs to swallow his pride and deal with the things that haunt him.  And he needs to realize that he can't treat you the way he has been--it's not productive at all.  You have every right to be burnt out, look at everything you have been through.  All for a guy who after everything needs to really stop being a baby.  But no matter what you choose, no matter if you decide this is over for good or if you decide to give him another chance, I'll always be here for you.
I don't even care if you bitch about him for the rest of your life.
I hope that what I said didn't make you upset at me.  It's all just an opinion, it doesn't mean anything!  Okay.  I am watching Extreme Makeover.  I really love this show because it's not just for vanity purposes.  They help people who really need it.  This girl had a real problem with her jaw.  She had a severe overbite.  She couldn't even eat.  Anywho, she looks so much better now!!  I can't believe how good her jaw looks.  It reminds me of my own [jaw surgery].  Shit now I'm crying.  She just looks so beautiful.  Oh my gosh I'm such a sap.  Lol.

Anywho, I love you and it's now way past my bedtime.

<3,
me

2:01am
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9:46am

Good morning love.  I'm kind of peeved right now.  First off, all yesterday Brian was bugging me for sex.  Well I thought it'd be nice to take a bath together.  Well, I got home around 10:30pm and I fell asleep after 2:30am and Brian was still playing WOW.  See this is what I mean.  Whenever he's gone from the computer he always bugs me for sex and when I don't give in he gets dressed and he goes into the other room.  And he wonders why we haven't had sex since before my period.  I just feel like if he doesn't get sex he is out of the room.  And he always asks me if I still love him.  Of course I still LOVE him.  But I don't really feel loved right now.  I miss the days before WOW.  Now it's like if I won't give him love and attention he's out the door in the living room.  Most of the time I'm okay with it (I can hold out for as long as I need to)--I just withhold sex.  And I tell him that.  But he still asks, "Do you still love me?" so I wouldn't mind if he played it for a little bit and went to sleep early, but he passed out on the couch last night at whatever time and tonight he's gonna be at work till 4am.

Man I wonder if Nick is still here.  I heard the patio door slam at 9am this morning (hence why I'm awake right now) and I noticed that the light was on.  I was like, "what idiot left the light on this time?"  And I walked out into the living room and bam Nick is there.  What the fuck is he even doing awake at this hour?  He was doing so good at not coming here.  He really should have listened to me the first time when I told him he shouldn't be here.  Believe me, I wasn't saying that for my health.  He doesn't respect anyone's shit!  That alone is grounds for not being allowed back here.  How fucking hard is it?
Anywho... Nathan is really pissed off at Brian.  He told me to tell him, "I guess he made his decision." I dunno what in the hell that means, but I'm sure it had something to do with Brian letting Nick over. He needs to completely cut Nick out of his life.  I refuse to have a conversation with him outside of small talk and even then it's questionable.  Ugh Nick just go away nobody wants you here!  Okay, I'm gonna take a break for now but I shall return.

<3,
me

10:22am