My brother turns 29 today. It’s crazy that he’s even still alive. I know that came out cruel and harsh, but sometimes it truly does amaze me. I know my parents had hope that he’d change by now, but I guess that as long as he’s still here on this earth, {and people continuously take his side and don’t actually address any of his issues and let him get away with his drug addict behavior} there’s still a reason for hope. Crazy… I still wonder why the hell he hates women so much. I mean look at how my mom has always been with him. How can he hate women so much? I will never know what happened though… sad…
I was just looking back at my yearbook. I don’t like it as much as I thought I would but I am my own worst critic! There is still work to be done though so maybe I’ll change my mind. I already had done the “best friends” thing before all the end of my friendship with Erin. But I’m resisting the urge to take it out for 3 reasons.
1) I want things to be kept nice in here!
2) memories…
3) It’s “high school”. Life always changes after high school.
So it stays. I put you and Ryan again because I didn’t have one of you and Geoff together or you and Bev together. Plus, I figure you guys are close, so why not? I also want to apologize to both of you. First of all I made life hard for you guys at first and I’m really sorry. Second, I hate that he doesn’t like us talking. It can’t be easy for you so I’m sorry for any inconvenience it causes YOU. And what I want to say to Ryan is that I don’t feel like I started shit or drama with him but if I ever did, I am so sorry. I got my closure on him a really long time ago but I don’t know, maybe I owed him an apology. I’m so glad you’re together and happy--honestly it’s all I ever wanted for both of you. If he really doesn’t want me in his life, I understand and I’ll do my best to stay out of his way. As long as he understands that I want to be your friend and I won’t hurt you again like I did 2 years ago.
Ok, that’s all. Whew. Ok, moving on. I’m watching Wedding Planner and Matthew McConaughey’s character just broke up with the bride. This movie isn’t my favorite but I like the song playing. I’ll let ya know what it’s called ASAP. Haha whew! My brain is whirling and emotions are running amuck. I was telling Stella that, as sad as I am over losing Mel and Erin, I’m also perfectly ok with it. I’m just worried about Erin killing herself or something. And I know I can’t fret my life away worrying over things I can’t control but what if I’m not worried enough? I feel like I should feel guilty for not being more panicked. however, she removed me from her friends’ list. So I kinda feel like she was just looking for attention. I didn’t give it to her so she got mad. I feel like she proved my point…
I will never forget when I first met Erin. We had orientation at Dillard’s and I thought she was so cool. She was bright and bubbly, and we had a love for music in common. We didn’t talk much after that because she was upstairs and I was down in Estee Lauder. But as jealous as I was, I would smile whenever she came down the stairs (escalator) because she was singing. She was always singing. Then, I broke my foot and somehow, she called me and we ended up becoming friends instantly. And then, you and I stopped being friends but I wasn’t trying to replace you with her. Just like I’m not replacing her with you. It’s crazy how things can change in the blink of an eye…
5:00pm
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I’ve done nothing today but play online and shower. Now I’m watching “The Graduate” and writing to you. I know you told me to write about stuff that happened while we weren’t talking but the funny thing is, I don’t think that there’s anything I haven’t already told you. I think I’m going to look through my LJ and then tell you stuff. Most of it’s negative I think. I think this is the first time in years I’ve felt free and positive.
No more David.
No more Melissa.
No more Erin.
Crazy.
<3,
star
P.s. I love The Graduate and all the music. “April Come She Will” by Simon and Garfunkel?! Brilliant.
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