1:32pm
Ugh my computer is pissing me off. I just wrote a long LJ entry and it’s all fucked up. In the end, I gave up and didn’t do a cut, which I will get backlash for but oh well. Anyway, so something good about work yesterday were my customers. I met this couple from Colorado and Taylor was helping them. They were telling us how they lived in a trailer hooked up to his truck and they brought it here. Well apparently, someone here hooked up his truck to his trailer while he was gone and stole everything. His whole life, gone like that, in the blink of an eye. I helped Taylor bag all their stuff up (they were buying new stuff from Sears so he could rebuild life) and Taylor commented on how helpful I was. The people said I seemed like a real good girl and Taylor was like, “yea, she’s definitely very popular around here.” Then the people from Colorado did more shopping and came back to tell me how nice I was. I think they must have liked me because I listened to them and told them they would be in my prayers. I hope I run into them again. I really liked them. It’s nice to hear how liked I am by my coworkers at least. I just wanted to share that with you because it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up, which is such a good feeling. Ya know? Waking up positive=<3 and now my pen ran out on me. Sadface! I’m going through pens like crazy here. Grrr. That’s annoying. Ok, so now I wanted to tell you a little about the dream I had. It was weird because I was in Ohio for a job interview and the woman from the job called me and was trying to get me to date her son. But she kept telling me all these “great” things about him and one thing was that he was hairy. Anyway, in another part my friend and I jumped in a car with a mexican guy and he didn’t want us in his truck so he made me get out and then he left… with all our stuff. That’s not the whole dream, just the things I found most interesting. Writing out the whole dream is just too much. It’s so detailed. I wonder why I have such detailed dreams that I remember. Anyway, I’m gonna go clean a little bit, make lunch, read, and then come back to tell you about some some of my poems.
<3,
star
~~~
So everything with a * is about Grant. You may have noticed those a lot in the pink section. They’re all out of order because I started trying to go according to size of poem instead of in order. Anyway, like Ryan, Grant was basically a muse to me. The good thing about it is that I’m glad Ryan wasn’t the only one I was able to write for. The bad thing is, I wonder if I will ever be able to write that way about someone who I really do love that loves me back. Idk. Anyway, the poems with <3 next to it is about my future child. Upstairs at Sears next to the photo department, was a huge picture of a red haired, freckled faced boy. Every time I saw it, my heart would race and I smiled and thought of the little boy I would someday have. It made me think of how precious my child would be to me and how I would never let anyone hurt him. So, that’s what that poem was. Obviously, I’ve wanted to be a
mother for a very long time. I also knew Grant really wanted kids of his own. Or so, that was the rumor. I don’t know--maybe he told people that to seem more charming. Either way, add that to my somewhat hopeful, somewhat freaked out suspicion that he was trying to get me pregnant and I was thinking about babies and children a lot. What terrified me most was that it would be so easy for Grant to take my kid away from me. He had 4 jobs and way more money, and I had zero money, I worked for Sears, and live with my dad. 2 of his jobs included law enforcement of some kind. He knew everything about me because he was a personal investigator. So he had access in some way to my entire life. I’m not saying he would do something, but I was very scared he would and in the long run I’m glad I didn’t end up pregnant. I do still miss him though. I’m trying very hard not to contact him but it’s a struggle! Anyway, there was one poem with a ~ next to it. It was called Fly Me to the Moon. That poem was about Jimmy and I’m going to tell you about Jimmy. James Ford. Actually, Gary James Ford, but his dad was also Gary so he used James and became Jimmy. Anyway, he came to karaoke one night and Erin was of course all over him. We went back to his place afterwards and smoked some marijuana and just relaxed. It was around the holidays. Anyways we got super close and I ended up snuggling up to him in his bed. Then, we shared a very nice kiss. I ended up really liking him but because of Erin’s meddling, we only hung out a few times. Basically, Erin heard he was a druggie, which he did end up being, and he and I talked about it in great length how Erin had told all these people he was a druggie. So, he confronted her and somehow my name got brought up and so Erin calls me up and starts screaming at me about how I’m burning bridges with her. she doesn’t even asked me what happened. We never really talked that one out but I never told Jimmy anything different than what Erin said herself to him. So, I don’t fucking know. Other than that, I was willing to take things however they went with Jimmy but Erin kept talking and teasing us about having sex. She made it seem like *I* assumed we were at relationship status, and so he kinda stopped talking to me. Oh well, it’s for the best. Ahhh the flies are driving me nuts! It’s fall for God’s sake! Damn. Ahhh, ok, I got my ice cream, my wine, and my music. I love these songs: (I love Pandora--Alexz Johnson rado)
{songs}
Most of those songs remind me of this time of year, too. When I was stuck in Georgia, I played Pandora a lot and this was my favorite station. I feel like I was there way longer than 2 ½ months. This crazy woman my mom used to be friends with had a baby and she went back to work immediately so guess who took care of the baby everyday? She had a cleft palate and had to be fed a special way and her nose had to be suctioned regularly. I loved Sophie so much. My mom isn't friends with Sophie's mom anymore because that woman really was nuts. She had all 3 of her daughters taken away I think and she went to a mental institution. There’s a lot more to that story but I have no desire to tell it mainly cause I don’t know enough. I can tell you her name was Meredith. Her oldest daughter was Autumn and basically Autumn was left to take care of everything. Then there’s Abby. She was like 6 and omg I could not stand her. She was such a brat! It’s hard for me to say that about a child though. Then there was Sophie who I loved so much. Yes all 3 girls had different fathers. Anyway, Meredith had a Vietnamese boyfriend, Phuong, and they got in a lot of bad physical
fights. He wasn’t even really her boyfriend but she was in love with him to the point of obsession and did more for him and his boys than her family which is why Autumn was left with so much. Anyway, Phuong had 3 boys as well but I only really remember the name of one. Simon. I remember Simon because he was autistic and everyone noticed that he responded to me in a positive way. I remember crying because everyone was so mean to Simon and my mom hugged me and told me one of her favorite things about me was how empathetic I was to others. It was just like, Simon was ignored, laughed at, or no one was patient with him. I cleaned Phuong’s house once. *shakes head.* That man needed some damn help but his heritage said getting help was a no no. Anyway, his ex finally
came back and took the sons and I think Phuong is in Orlando now I don’t know. My mom was friends with some fucked up people! Phuong was relieved I think not to have the boys anymore so he clearly did not want to be responsible for them which leads me to wonder why the fuck people have kids! Like seriously. I mean ok, if you have one and oops you didn’t want kids then shame on you,
asshole. But then to have 2 more on top of that? Come the fuck on! Ugh I really just want to throttle people. Watch, I won’t even get to be a mom =(. Ugh, I don’t wanna work 1-7 tomorrow. It’s Tuesday which means slow day. I get long hours on slow days. Suckage. Oh well s’money. Yes/yes? Crap! My nose is bleeding. I have the worst sore in my nose and it’s been bleeding today. I wish I
knew how I got a sore in it. I wish I could sneeze. Ugh. Well, I was going to decorate for Halloween today but I went outside to do it and lost my motivation. Mostly cuz I was like, ugh Idk where to put this shit! Most of the stuff was actually Devin’s but his mom is moving to PA soon and she just gave me everything. It’s weird not having that family around anymore. I got pretty close to them. Selena was annoying but she had a good heart. She’s Dev’s lil sister on his mom’s side. He’s got lots of sisters. Lots lol. Idk how many lol. I just found out actually that Dev is seeing someone *new*. I’m a lil surprised honestly because I feel like I was just his rebound stage. I kind of feel like it happens a lot. Only good enough to be the rebound. Even David made me wonder if I was a rebound. Idk. I can’t believe him and Jessica have been together for nearly a year! How the fuck does he do it, Rita? Lol. How does he keep us around dealin’ with his shit for so long? Damn. Grr. I’m thinking of Grant again! Why, why, why? Sometimes, when I see or hear a crotch rocket, I wonder about him. I remember mentioning how I don’t drive to him and he winked at me and said “why drive when you can be driven?” It was before our affair. I called him my guardian angel a lot, as you may have noticed in my poetry. That’s because we had this conversation once about how he liked to consider himself our Guardian Angel and I said we got the best one then. He turned beat red and said “awwww.” Sometimes he said the sweetest things. I still think even though he was a player, there was a good side of him no one saw. I wonder if he’s tried to get ahold of me at all. I changed my number and he doesn’t have it so Idk if he tries to still text my old phone or not. Well, Pandora like
restarted my whole radio station. Breathe by Anna Nalick just played again. Lol. Anyway, my guess is that no, Grant has no idea I changed my # and likely doesn’t care. I wonder if he knows I reported him to the cops. Well I told Jaime he kinda threatened her, cuz he did. So she asked me if I’d witness that to the cops and I said I would. So I did. I don’t know if they ever said anything to him though. Who knows, but that’s a good reason not to try and get ahold of him. Good thing I wrote about him. Lmao. Why are the corners of the pages curling? That annoys me. Man, I am tired but I’m determined to finish this last paper front/back of this “chapter”. I might have to just give up though. It’s 2:30am. I think I will. I need to clean my ice cream bowl and put it in the dishwasher.
Ooooooooooh this movie looks good! “My Soul to Take” scaaaaaary. Remind me not to see it with Melissa though! Not that I would, cuz we don’t talk anymore. But not only did she piss me off with that SATC crap, but I paid $ I didn’t have to to see Paranormal Activity and then she made me leave 10 minutes before it was over. Like WTF. She said she was having a panic attack but ok, as someone who has them bad--she seemed fine to me. *shrug* Just pissed me off is all. Alright let’s see, I need to pee and clean my dish finally. So I am going to go ahead and say sweet dreams and nighty nighterz, don’t let the bed bugs biterz! Hehe. I love you bunches and bunches!
<3,
star
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